Rito's New Troubles Vol 2
by Sallem Cortez 004
Summary: Rito has another rocky encounter with Yami, and someone plans to make that encounter into the start of something new. Some more troubles begin, others are preemptively stopped, some things are written solely to annoy you, and things start to get heavy. Takes place after the first manga. Contains insanity, comedy, and much less ecchi than canon, but in a good way. 2/6.
1. A Well Balanced Diet

Hello again everyone! You've been waiting for this for **two weeks** now...

And all because I decided to be a jerk and hold out on you for most of that time ;p.

But seriously, I usually finish these things in about a week. I just decided to wait this long because I wanted to have a few extra chapters as a fallback plan in case I got a serious case of writers block at some point.

Now! I've kept you all waiting in suspense long enough! It's time for Rito's New Troubles Vol 2!

* * *

**One Minute After the End of Rito's New Troubles Vol 1**

Rito twitched in pain in an uncomfortable position on the ground.

"Shameful!" Hissed Yami-chan, still rather red-faced. "Shameful! **Shameful! ****_Shameful! Shameful!"_** She managed to regain enough of her level-headed attitude to fight back most of her blush as she used her hair to grab Rito by the scruff of his neck and hold him at eye-level. "Who do you think you are to make a pass at me?" She seethed.

"I...I'm sorry." Said Rito through the pain. "It was... an accident."

"An accident?" Yami-chan parroted, clearly not believing him. "You addressed me by name and then... **confessed** to me." She said disdainfully. "How is that accidental?"

"I what?" Asked Rito, totally confused. "I never said your name!" He panicked as Yami-chan made her hair into a fist again. "I was confessing to Haruna, but then you appeared suddenly! I don't even know what happened!"

Yami-chan scrutinized him, looking for any deceit in his words. Finding none, she knew that something was amiss. "You claim you were confessing to Haruna?" She interrogated. Rito quickly nodded. "She was not anywhere in sight, and I recall you saying my name. How could you have been confessing to her given these facts?" Rito's eyes widened.

"She wasn't anywhere..." Rito breathed, thinking this over in befuddlement. In spite of the danger right in front of him, Rito found himself more curious than scared. After pondering it over for no more than ten seconds, Rito facefaulted as he realized what must have happened. "Sallem..." Rito groaned.

Yami-chan's eyes widened marginally, before she quickly changed back to her usual calm demeanor. "I see." She remarked as she let Rito go. "That would explain it." She began walking away, but turned back. "It's no concern of mine who you decide to proclaim your feelings for, but I recommend you put all thoughts of romance aside for the duration of Sallem's stay on this planet." She went to walk away again, but at that moment, her stomach decided to rumble. Her face turned slightly red again.

"Uh... Are you... hungry?" Asked Rito nervously, not wanting to offend her.

Yami-chan stared at him blankly for a few seconds, though Rito wasn't sure why. "I have... not eaten any Taiyaki all day."

"Taiyaki?" Rito wondered aloud. "Is that all you eat?"

Yami-chan stared at him for a few seconds again, though Rito still wasn't sure why. "It is... sufficient." She finally replied.

"Not really," Rebuked Rito as he stood up. "It's good on occasion, but if you eat nothing but Taiyaki; your diet will be unbalanced, your body will start feeling weird, and there's even a good chance you'll get fat and lazy." He noticed Yami-chan's eyes widen and cheeks redden uncomfortably at the words 'fat and lazy'.

"It could cause that?" Yami-chan asked slightly fearfully. Rito nodded. "But then why do people eat it?"

"For one thing, it tastes good." Rito answered, starting to regain his nerves. "That, and most people balance their diets so that they only eat it on occasion." Yami-chan looked somewhat lost.

"'Balance your diet'?" Yami-chan wondered aloud. "I've seen the term used in books before, usually alongside the term 'Food pyramid', but exactly what do these terms mean?" Now it was Rito's turn to look somewhat lost.

"You mean you don't know?" Asked Rito in slight astonishment. Yami-chan shook her head. "I would've figured someone who reads as much as you would know something like that."

"I do read quite a bit, but books about food never really held much of my interest." She admitted. "I've always thought food was food."

"That's a pretty bad mistake to make." Scolded Rito mildly. "The first food from Earth you ate was that Taiyaki I gave you, and you seem to have almost exclusively eaten that since, though Taiyaki's not all that bad for you. If I'd given you something like ice cream or fast food and you made the same habits with one of those instead, you'd be pretty obese and possibly on your way the hospital due to lack of proper nutrition by now." Rito was shocked by the look that suddenly appeared on Yami-chan's face. If he didn't know any better, he'd say that she looked... scared. But that was impossible; Yami-chan never got scared.

"Rito Yuuki," Began Yami-chan shakily, which was usually a sign of bad things to come for Rito, so he reflexively did his best to shield himself. "Tell me more about 'balancing your diet' and 'food pyramid'."

Rito stared at her for a few seconds, wondering why she was acting like this, before he realized something. Even though she was pleasant enough when nothing was bothering her, Yami-chan was still a serious assassin, and assassins had to stay in shape. The idea of becoming obese, lazy, and sick enough to require a trip to the hospital is probably the closest to nightmares that she can get... Well, that and anything ecchi. "Alright," Rito agreed. "You seem pretty shook-up about this, and you are one of Mikan's best friends, so I'll help you."

"I am **not **'shook-up about this', Rito Yuuki." She said, defensively, sternly, and slightly red-faced. "I just need to stay in top condition so that I can complete my mission to kill you."

_'Like I haven't heard that one a thousand times before.'_ Though Rito sarcastically, though he knew much better than to put that thought to voice. He took a moment to look around. "Follow me." He said as he walked across the street to a small market. Yami-chan hesitated for a few seconds before following.

* * *

**Inside the Market**

"What are we doing here?" Asked Yami-chan once they were inside.

"I'm going to show you a few things about nutrition." Replied Rito. "And the best way to do that is to have some examples at hand." Looking around again, he walked to the edge of the store. "Do you see these?" He asked, gesturing to many vegetables beside them. Yami-chan nodded. "These are vegetables. They're plants that keep your skin and body clean and healthy. You need about two or three servings of these a day."

"Servings?" Asked Yami-chan.

"Basically, about ten bites." Rito elaborated, though Yami-chan could tell he was largely guessing.

"I see." She replied as Rito led her around the edge of the market to a new section.

"These are fruits," He said, gesturing to the wide array of fruits beside them. "They're plants, like vegetables, and it's good if you get just as many of these as vegetables in your diet." He noticed Yami-chan looking at the display oddly. "What is it?"

Yami-chan turned to stare at him oddly for a few seconds, as if she was uncertain about answering him. "What's the difference between fruits and vegetables?" She finally asked.

"Well..." Rito hummed as he thought it over and led Yami-chan to the middle of the market. "Fruits tend to be softer, juicy, and usually sweet or sour. While vegetables are crunchy and have a more subtle flavor."

Yami-chan stared at him once again, like she was pondering something important. Rito noticed that she seemed to be doing that a lot today. "It's cold." She finally observed as she rubbed her arms slightly.

"That's because we're in the refrigerated section." Rito explained. "Most foods need to kept at low temperatures or else they'll spoil. It's especially true for meat and dairy." He noticed Yami-chan looking deep in thought again. "Dairy is anything made of milk and meat comes from animals." He elaborated, guessing what she would ask.

Yami-chan glared at him dully. "I know where meat comes from." She said in a slightly defiant tone.

"Right, right," Rito replied awkwardly. "Anyway, meat helps build muscle, and dairy helps your bones get stronger and helps you grow taller." Rito noticed the obvious interest in her expression at the mention of the words 'muscle' and 'taller', and couldn't help but chuckle.

"Is something funny?" Asked Yami-chan in a slightly too serious tone.

"Um, nothing, nothing, nothing!" Rito responded in a panic. "Anyway, you need to get as much meat and dairy in your diet as fruits and vegetables!" He said quickly as he walked off, trying to direct the conversation away from topics that were likely to get him beaten half to death.

Yami-chan followed him in awkward silence for what felt like forever. Rito could literally hear his heart pounding in his ears, worried and frightened by her unusual silence. "Is there anything else I should know about nutrition?" Yami-chan asked, finally breaking the silence and making Rito jump slightly.

"W-Well..." Rito stuttered nervously, frantically looking around for anything he could find to continue this conversation and help keep his pulse normal. Finally, something caught his eye. "There's also breads and grains." He said as he quickly grabbed a bag of rice. "They give you lots of energy, but you need to get about six servings a day." He explained frantically, glad for a way out of the scary silence and death glares.

Yami-chan clearly didn't feel the same about the silence, as she continued her silent stare. Rito slowly found himself shaking and sweating nervously under her impartial (though oddly thoughtful) eyes. "You seem to know quite a bit about these things, Rito Yuuki." She finally said after two minutes of silence. "It's odd that you would, since every time I've come to visit Mikan, she's the one who prepares the meals. Whereas you don't do much aside from... ecchi things."

"I'm really not like that." Rito facefaulted. "Weird things just seem to happen to me." He tried to regain whatever composure and dignity he had left. "And just because you only seem to see me in those situations most of the time, doesn't mean there isn't more to me than that." He gently scolded.

Once again Yami-chan was silent, though Rito wondered why. She'd never hesitated to voice her opinion on anything before, especially whenever it involved insulting (or more commonly, assaulting) him. So Rito wasn't really scared, so much as confused. Suddenly, the final straw occurred when Yami-chan suddenly began trying to nervously avoid eye contact with him! She never looked away unless she was reading, and she certainly didn't ever look nervous! She always kept a watchful eye on whoever she was talking to, and her expression was always either neutral or embarrassed, the latter of which always quickly made way to anger. "What are those?" She finally asked, breaking the silence and Rito's concentration.

"Those?" Rito said as he looked in the direction she was looking at. "Those are candies."

"What do they do?" Asked Yami-chan.

"Not much really." Admitted Rito. "They taste good, but aside from that, they have no nutrients and they're pretty bad for you as a whole, especially for your teeth. I'd stay away from them and junk food as a whole, aside from a rare treat every so often."

"'Junk food'?" Yami-chan parroted, showing that she didn't understand.

"Food with oils, high fat content, and added sugar, salt, and preservatives." He elaborated, though he could see it went over Yami-chan's head somewhat. "You might just want to read a book about nutrition." He finally suggested.

"I think that would be best." Yami-chan responded a bit too quickly. "I should find one and come back later."

"Wait a second!" Rito said as a reflex to Yami-chan's bizarre behavior, planning to question her on it, before quickly backing off under her glare. "Uh... Why don't I help you get any groceries you need for a while, and you can take your time finding and reading a good book on nutrition?" He quickly substituted for what he wanted to say.

Once more, Rito found himself under Yami-chan's piercing gaze. Afraid she might hurt him, in spite of the fact that the rational part of his brain kept telling him even she wouldn't attack him for just that simple suggestion. "Very well." She finally relented, much to Rito's relief. "I suppose I'll need to have nutritious food available to me within the near future."

"Alright then." Rito replied, relaxing once more. "Let's go get a shopping cart and we can get started."

* * *

**After Shopping**

_'That could have gone better.'_ Groaned Rito inwardly as he nursed a bump on his head that he had, once again, done nothing to deserve. _'As if being confused and terrified by how weird Yami-chan is acting, for her anyway, some chatty girls had to mention what a 'cute couple' Yami-chan and I make. What part of us would look like that!'_ His head hurt even more just thinking about it.

"Thank you for your help, Rito Yuuki." Said Yami-chan evenly. "I was unaware that my eating habits could cause me harm. I'll have to look into the matter in more detail later."

"Don't mention it Yami-chan," Replied Rito. "After the misunderstanding earlier, this is the least I could do to apologize."

"It's not entirely your fault." Admitted Yami-chan. "Sallem is quite famous for his sadistic mischievous streak. Whenever something catches his interest, he's extremely unlikely to let it go until he's done playing with it."

"Yeah, that fits him to a T." Rito deadpanned.

Yami-chan once again stared at him, as if debating whether or not furthering conversation with him was a good idea. "Regardless, this has taught me that you're not as useless as I originally thought."

"Um, thanks... I think?" Responded Rito.

"As a reward, I'll allow you to live a bit longer so that you may do some good for those around you." Yami-chan conceded before walking off.

Once he was certain she was gone, Rito let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding. "Will she **ever** let that go?"

**"Maybe~." **Came a deep, scratchy, grizzly voice from just to his right, causing Rito to practically jump out of his skin as he shakily turned to face whatever it was that had said that.

"GAHHH!" Screamed Rito as he fell away from the mangled face he saw. "Sallem!"

"Yo ho ho ho ho ho!" Laughed Sallem. "That gag never gets old! Your reaction is richer than someone in a zombie attack, and they have a **very** good reason to be scared!"

"What are you doing here?" Rito asked, shortly afterwords mentally kicking himself for asking a question with such an obvious answer.

"Seems like you already know why I'm here." Observed Sallem.

"Why do you insist on doing this to me?" Asked Rito. "Aren't there other people you could be annoying right now?"

"Probably," Replied Sallem bluntly. "But none of them are involved with any childhood friends of mine, and Lala's always been like a little sister to me, so I'm just looking out for her happiness."

_'While ignoring mine.'_ Grumbled Rito inwardly.

"Not true," Rebuked Sallem. "Aren't you happy about falling in love with Ryouko?"

"Ryouko and Yami-chan are completely different!" Rito denied. "Ryouko loves me, while Yami-chan just wants to kill me!"

"Are you certain about that?" Sallem asked as he tilted and turned his head so that his scar was noticeably pronounced. "If she really wanted you dead, do you really think she would have let you live so long?"

"She's friends with Mikan," Rito reasoned. "She's probably waiting for some way to get rid of me without any trouble."

"But what about **before** she became friends with Mikan?" Sallem countered easily. "Her actions are easy for me to comprehend, but not so much for you, are they?" Sallem knew he was going into territory so unpredictable that even **he** wasn't completely aware of how it would go, but this was a necessary gamble, and he'd already stacked most of the deck anyway, (arranging a day long Taiyaki chef convention out of town so that Yami-chan would be hungry by the time Rito found her being a prime example) so there was little risk.

"You'll try not to think about it, you'll try to just brush it off as me trying to play matchmaker so you'll be less susceptible to my work, but like Pandora's box, you'll eventually find yourself unable to resist the temptation," He assumed his demonic face which made Rito visibly sweat. "And when you do, you'll either find yourself better, worse, much worse, or perhaps even dead for it." He glared at Rito for a few more seconds after saying everything he felt the need to. When Rito looked about ready to piss himself, Sallem relinquished his assault and walked off. "Just some food for thought." He remarked pleasantly, before pulling out his remote and vanishing.

* * *

How did you like it, everyone? I wrote this chapter in 5 days, so I'll probably have at least 3 chapters done by the time I finally post this one.

As always, I appreciate any reviews, as they give me some of my best ideas. If you have something you'd like to see happen in this story, please, don't hesitate to ask.


	2. Majin Tantei

Hello again everyone! I've got a few special surprises in store for you all this chapter, which may necessitate you looking up a new manga if you haven't read the one I'll be referencing frequently for the duration of this story, but I imagine the story should be easy enough to pick up even if you don't read it.

"One more thing!" I'm writing this and a few other chapters before I get any feedback from everyone, so I'm sorry if I'm not able to squeeze all the suggestions I get (however few they may be) into this.

* * *

**Morning - The Next Day**

"Hey Rito." Came a slightly dark voice from behind Rito as he walked into school.

"I'm **really** not in the mood this morning Sallem." Rito brushed him off.

"Sallem?" Quirked the speaker. "Rito, it's me, Saruyama." He explained bitterly.

"Ah, Saruyama!" Rito jumped when he realized his mistake. "I'm sorry. It's just that, with the way you were talking, I thought you were Sallem for a second." He explained. "Why do you seem so grumpy today?"

"Same reason any other guy at school is pissed at you," He explained. "Picking up a babe like Mikado-sensei is bound to get you some jealous looks."

Rito sighed. He should have known it was something like that. After all, Ryouko had the kind of body and attitude that just demanded attention. The idea that she was off the market was bound to be upsetting to everyone who found her attractive, which was pretty much every guy at school and several people who'd seen her on the streets and at the gym. They could have taken it a lot better than they had though; trying to beat someone up out of jealousy was a very bad way to deal with disappointment.

"But that aside, why did you think I was Sallem?" Saruyama asked curiously.

"Well, Sallem is almost always trying to scare or hurt me in some way, so when you tried to sound scary from behind me, I thought it was him." Rito explained.

"Seriously?" Asked Saruyama. "Why would he do that? I mean, I may not know him very well, but since he's an old friend of Lala's you'd think he'd be at least a little nice."

"I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Lala." Rito replied, not wanting to go into the details of how he obviously wanted him to have a harem. Mentioning that would most likely get him chased by the entire male population of the school... again.

"Ohh, I get it." Nodded Saruyama, trying to look sagely. "So he's basically just jealous of you and expressing that envy violently. Envy's not a pretty thing. I pity anyone who stoops to that level."

_'Says the guy who led the charge against me for getting Ryouko's love without even trying.'_ Rito thought bitterly. Not only had Saruyama made himself look stupid just now (not that it was a difficult task, mind you) but Rito also seriously doubted that Sallem had any interest in Lala, whatsoever. After all, he'd rudely turned down an offer from Lala's dad to become one of her fiance candidates, he already had three wives of his own, and he seemed to be actively trying to set Rito up with her and a few other women. But Rito knew Saruyama didn't know that, and had to admit that it was actually a rather logical conclusion based on his limited information.

"Hey, speaking of romance, have you seen Riko around?" Asked Saruyama, cutting off Rito's train of thought. "I know she's a relative of yours, so I was wondering if you've seen her around."

"Uh, no, I haven't seen her!" Denied Rito frantically (with **very** good reason). "Uh, I gotta get to class now! SEE YA!" He panicked as he ran off, leaving a large dust trail in his wake.

Saruyama just stared vacantly in the direction Rito ran off in for a few seconds. "He runs really fast." Saruyama observed.

* * *

**Before Class**

"Rito! Have you seen Sallem?" Asked Yui rather loudly the moment he walked into class.

"Not today, why?" Replied Rito, rather confused. "Have you asked Lala?"

"Yes, and she hasn't seen him either." Yui groaned slightly. "Considering that he's staying with you, it seems weird that neither one of you would know."

Now Rito was really confused. "How did you know he was staying at my house?"

"Lala mentioned it when I asked her about his whereabouts." She replied. "Since you haven't seen him either, I can only guess he's hiding from the punishment for his flagrant disregard for the school rules, moral code, and even the law." She scoffed.

"Punishment?" Wondered Rito. "But I thought that he bribed the Principal."

"HE WHAT?" Exclaimed Yui, as Rito realized too late that he said something he probably shouldn't have. "No wonder the Principal wouldn't do anything about his actions! He probably used** porn** to do it." She scoffed.

_'Women's intuition is a scary thing.' _Panicked Rito inwardly.

"Now class, settle down," Began Honekawa-sensei as he walked in and everyone took their seats. "I have an announcement to make. First of all, Run will not be attending class for the next month," Most of the male population of the room voiced protests, though only amongst themselves. "This is because she will be on a foreign exchange program with a boarding school in Paris, France." Most of the female population of the room voiced their envy, again, only amongst themselves. "Her replacement for the month is half French and half Japanese, and he knows both languages fluently, so translation shouldn't be a problem." The female population voiced their happiness at the prospect of a male exchange student from **France** of all places, this time in mostly squeals that most of the class heard. "You may come in now." Honekawa-sensei said.

As the new student entered (through the door this time, thankfully) everyone took a quick inventory of his appearance. He was quite tall, easily standing higher than anyone else in the class. He wore a simple blue suit, black gloves, and black shoes, obviously the uniform from his previous school. His hair was mostly blond, though he had black bangs framing his face. He had an unusual personal touch of yellow, triangular buttons and hair clips. And his face, as most of the female population of the class would come to call it, was devilishly handsome with enchanting green eyes. Needless to say, the girls were enchanted, while the boys were seething with envy.

"Pleased to meet you, everyone." The exchange student said in a voice that was pleasant to the female ear, though grating to those of any envious male. "My name is Neuro Nougami. It's truly a pleasure to be in the home country of my father. Please treat me well during my stay." With that, most females were hooked, while most males were screaming bloody murder in their heads.

* * *

**Meanwhile, In France**

"Finally! Some time away from that maniac!" Run exclaimed as she walked down a **Paris** road, from a **Paris** airport, to a **Paris** school. She'd only arrived from her overnight flight just a few minutes ago, and she was already ecstatic to be in **Paris, France!** "A month away from that trouble making Sallem. A month away from that annoying Lala. I'm a bit sad that Rito isn't here with me, in the city of **love**," She sighed wistfully. "But I need this! Any longer around **him** and I'd probably go completely crazy." As she talked to herself, she made sure to pay attention to where she was going. "Let's see now... According to the map, the school I'm going to for the next month should be right about... Here!" She exclaimed happily as she turned to what she expected to be some big and fancy French school.

Only to find a rundown brothel.

"Wh-What the hell is this?" Panicked Run as she frantically compared the address on the exchange notice with the one on the brothel. "Wh-What the hell is going on? The address is right, but this isn't a school. It's a... It's a..." Suddenly, Run realized the only possible explanation.

**_"SAAAAALLEEEEEEEM!"_**

**_

* * *

_****Meanwhile, At Rito's House - Sallem's Room  
**

"Yo ho ho ho ho ho." Chuckled Sallem as he watched the whole thing play out on his video glasses. "Yo ho ho ho-ow." He grunted as he clutched at his stomach.

"Careful now, Sallem," Commented a stout old man with a very bulbous nose. "You've taken pretty heavy damage and you need to hold still while I'm repairing you."

"Sorry Dr. Gilmore," Apologized Sallem. "It's just that my glasses picked up a very funny program." Half true. Run miserable **is** very funny.

"That's quite alright," Replied Dr. Gilmore. "But you have to hold still or things might get messy. By the way, how on Earth did you get a** harpoon** of all things through your stomach?"

"Got it in the line of duty for a friend." Half true. Neuro had thrown it into him in a fit of rage when the mystery he'd tipped him off about turned out to have been solved already. Which was pretty unfair of him, since, when he'd given the tip to Neuro, the mystery had yet to be solved, and he even gave him a lead on new one afterwords. Still, Sallem knew **much **better than to accuse Neuro of being fair.

"Well, I certainly hope you don't let it happen again." Mildly scolded Dr. Gilmore. "You were lucky this time, as the harpoon didn't pierce any of your vital systems, but you can't count on luck to save you every time."

"I know." Sighed Sallem. Though he knew that, even though Neuro was a complete sadist, he wasn't the kind of guy to grievously harm anyone unless they were threatening his food source (a.k.a. mysteries).

"Er, Mr. Gilmore." Came a nervous voice from the other room.

"Who's there?" Asked Dr. Gilmore as he looked up from his work, only to see Sallem's three wives.

"Is... Is Sallem going to be... alright?" Asked Benitsubasa, her voice full of genuine fear.

"Seeing him with a harpoon through his stomach... we got really worried." Voiced Haihane, her voice laced with concern.

"A normal person would've died from that... I guess we should be thankful that he's far from normal." Said Karasuba reluctantly.

Dr. Gilmore stared at the three girls for a moment, before he recalled something Sallem had told him a few years ago concerning his hobbies. All of them standing out in equal measure due to the sheer ridiculousness of them, but he could easily place which one was the reason they were so concerned. Smiling at his joy for his friend, he responded. "He'll be perfectly fine in about half an hour once I get some of his more important systems fixed. After that it should take about another hour before I'll be able to say that he's functioning at full capacity again."

"Thanks again Dr. Gilmore. I'm really glad you were able to come on such short notice." Sallem said gratefully.

"Think nothing of it Sallem." Replied Dr. Gilmore. "With all the good you've done with Black Ghost's technology for countless people, keeping you in good shape is the least I could do in return. After all, it makes all the years that I've wasted on Black Ghost's payroll actually mean something worthwhile. You're almost exactly what I originally had in mind for the 00 Project. A beacon of hope for those in need. You make me feel like I've accomplished something great. Not just for mankind, but for every race out there in this galaxy and far beyond."

"00 Project?" Wondered Haihane, recalling what Sallem called himself once he first revealed himself. "Does that mean that he's the one who made you a cyborg?"

"Oh no, I've washed my hands of that dreadful business." Replied Dr. Gilmore. "Sallem found the blueprints for 004 on his own and modified them to better suit his needs for rescue work. He found someone else to modify his body into what it is now, Madaraki Fran I believe he said her name was."

Nobody noticed Karasuba tense at the mention of that name. Having heard that she was Sallem's medical instructor, and apparently much scarier than what she'd seen of Sallem, her reaction was to be expected.

"I've just been keeping him in good condition so that he can keep on fighting for a good cause." Finished Dr. Gilmore. "Chibi, would you mind getting out my welding torch and mask?"

"!" Replied Chibi before supplying the requested materials.

"Thank you." Said Dr. Gilmore as he put on the mask. "Sallem, I'm afraid that you're going to have to shutdown most of your bodily systems while I'm doing this."

"Shutdown!" Exclaimed Benitsubasa fearfully. "That's not gonna do anything... bad, is it?"

"Don't worry, it won't do any harm." Reassured Sallem. "It'll be like I'm asleep. So long as I'm not offline for more than 72 hours, I won't die."

"Die?" Asked Karasuba, vaguely interested.

"Karasuba." Scolded Sallem sternly.

"I was only joking." She teased. "I can't exactly kill you, or else it would mean trouble for me too."

"Kill?" Wondered Dr. Gilmore, hoping he'd heard wrong.

"Don't worry Dr. Gilmore," Reassured Sallem. "I'm linked to all three of them, in the sense that, if I die, they'd go with me. It's not something of my design, and I'm not exactly happy about it, but for now at least, it's necessary. So there's really no need to worry."

"I suppose you have a point." Conceded Dr. Gilmore. "I'll just leave these matters in your hands then. Now if you wouldn't mind shutting down your systems I'll get to work on the extensive repairs."

"Right away, Dr. Gilmore." Consented Sallem. "Benitsubasa. Haihane. Karasuba. Would you three mind leaving? I don't want any of you to have to see this. It looks a lot like a mix between surgery and overhauling a car, and neither one of those things is pretty on its own, let alone together." He explained.

"Alright then." Conceded Karasuba as she began leaving. Benitsubasa and Haihane however, were just standing where they were nervously.

"Is there something wrong?" Asked Sallem.

Benitsubasa looked away nervously for a second, before saying anything. "Well... it's just that... I'm really worried about this!" She finally got out. "What if something happens? What if you don't come back online? What if... What if..." She couldn't finish her thoughts.

Sallem's expression softened as he looked at Benitsubasa. As well as Haihane, who'd come over as well. Placing his hands on their shoulders, he said. "Girls. I'm going to be fine. Dr. Gilmore has repaired me from worse than this, and I have two dozen system backups just in case something does go wrong." He noticed they looked only slightly reassured, so he decided to go the extra mile (or kilometer. Blame the metric system). "Tell you what. When I come back online, I'll have Chibi whip us up some grub and we can spend the whole day together. Picnic, movie, dinner, dancing, the works. That means you too, Karasuba!" He called over to her. She grumbled something about rather spending the day in the desert and the night in the arctic. "I love you too." He teased her, fully aware that she'd said nothing to that effect. "So what do you say?" He asked the two women in front of him.

Benitsubasa and Haihane looked at each other slightly uncomfortably, before wrapping Sallem in a group hug as best they could.

"We'll make sure to hold you to that promise." - Haihane.

"So you'd better come out of this okay." - Benitsubasa.

"Ceasing to function isn't very high on my priority list, so you'd better not die." - Karasuba.

"I'll be fine. This is just as simple as taking out a few old parts and putting in some new ones, and whether he's proud if it or not, that's one of Dr. Gilmore's specialties." - Sallem.

"That's quite enough of that. I've got to get to work if he's going to be fixed-up in time for all that." - Dr. Gilmore.

Benitsubasa and Haihane nodded as they let go of Sallem, before both they and Karasuba left.

And with that, Sallem went offline...

* * *

...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...


	3. Reboot

...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-...

* * *

...*beep*...*Beep*...*BEEP*...***BEEP***

Sallem's eyes fluttered open as he came back online. Taking a moment to gather himself and focus his eyes, he did a quick systems diagnostic.

Weapons system?... Check!

Height adjusters?... Check!

Sensory input?... Check!

Motion system?... Check!

Respiratory system?... Check!

Digestive system?... Check!

Anti-toxin fluids?... Check!

Backup systems 1-12?... Check!

Backup systems 13-24?... Check!

Circulatory system?... Check!

All artificial systems fully operational!

Once the system check was complete, Sallem took notice of the two nervous looking figures sitting in front of him, as well as the obviously less nervous one he heard standing behind him. Based on their expressions, he could tell that they were unaware that he was back online.

Deciding to humor his very worried wives, as well as the less nervous, though still obviously grudgingly concerned one. He decided to play a small joke, as is his nature.

"Happy Birthday!" He cheered like Frosty the Snowman, knocking them out of their stupors. "What did I miss?"

"Sallem!" Benitsubasa shouted as she threw herself at him, knocking him off his chair and onto the floor with an 'Oro'. Haihane followed them onto the floor soon after, while Karasuba just grunted in acknowledgment.

"I wasn't out that long, was I?" Joked Sallem.

"Shut-up," Scolded Benitsubasa sternly, mildly shocking him. "Just knock it off with the jokes for a minute and at least try to be romantic!... We were worried." She added quietly.

"This is why we don't like the idea of you fighting zombies." Remarked Haihane. "We get worried."

Karasuba scoffed at their behavior before adding. "I'm just looking out for myself." She remarked. "It's in my best interests for you to stay alive, so I don't need an idiot like you to be risking his life, and therefore mine, over something as pointless as saving lives."

"It's far from pointless if you ask me," Scolded Dr. Gilmore mildly. "The work he's done, even indirectly, has saved tens of billions of lives. If something **that** significant is pointless, then I don't know what **would **have a point."

"Looking out for yourself, for starters." Argued Karasuba. "I don't really see the point in saving others."

"You'll warm-up to the idea eventually, sweetheart." Taunted Sallem playfully, causing Karasuba to growl at him angrily. "But onto other matters. Chibi!" He called out.

After a moment, Chibi and Telly quickly came into the room.

"Chibi, do you have something for Dr. Gilmore?" Asked Sallem.

"!" Replied Chibi as he flipped his head open and got out a large pot of tea leaves.

"These are ground leaves from the Ozone Herb," Explained Telly. "The tea they make has a very bitter flavor, and it's an acquired taste, but once you get used to it, it's very delicious."

"Thank you very much." Said Dr. Gilmore happily. "I've always liked tea, and I'm sure that everyone else will appreciate this as well. Especially 006, he always loves trying out the new ingredients and recipes you send our way."

"Tell them it was our pleasure." Remarked Sallem as he got up, not letting go of his wives, who were still clinging onto him anyway.

"I will, and feel free to drop by whenever you get the time." Dr. Gilmore invited. "I know that between your day job and your hobbies you have a busy schedule, but do try to find some room every so often to at least say hello."

"I will, thanks again for repairing me." Sallem said as he pulled out his remote. "See you later Dr. Gilmore." He said as he pushed a button on the remote, and teleported Dr. Gilmore back to his home. "Now, I believe that I owe three **lovely** ladies a day and night out on the town. Where would they be, I wonder?" He remarked playfully as he pressed another button on his remote and teleported an angry Karasuba into his arms as well.

"You do know I'm going to get you for this." Growled Karasuba.

"Promises, promises." Joked Sallem. "Chibi, please prepare Jiro's full-course for dinner tonight. Telly, kindly inform the Tiki Tak tribe that my beloveds and I will likely require some romantic music later tonight." Benitsubasa and Haihane blushed at the remark, while Karasuba just shot Sallem another angry look, which he returned with a playful grin.

"Right away, Sallem." Answered Telly. "Come on, Chibi. We've got work to do." He said before flying off excitedly, Chibi walking away casually soon afterward.

* * *

**Later - With Rito**

"It feels kinda weird," Rito observed. "Walking home without Sallem bugging me, that is. Not that I mind, in fact I actually like it better this way, since he's not hurting me or forcing me into anything... I guess I've just grown used to it, like with Lala's weird inventions and every other weird thing in my life. They may bother me, but it just feels natural by this point." Too deep in thought to really pay attention to the world around him, it's no surprise that he would bump into someone while rounding a corner, which he did. "Ow! I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going." He quickly apologized as he got up.

"It's quite alright," Replied a pleasantly friendly voice. "These things tend to happen... Wait a second. That uniform. Ah, you go to my new school."

"What the?" Wondered Rito as he saw who it was. "On, you're that exchange student, Neuro, was it?"

"That's quite correct." Confirmed Neuro politely, a friendly look on his face. "And who might you be? It's obvious that you're in my class, since you know my name, but I've never been very good with names myself." Half true. Neuro was the kind of person to quickly forget a name and face once they no longer interested him, saving them from any torture they would receive from him if he remembered them for more than an hour and it didn't serve his purposes better to be polite to them. Though once you're on his shit list, you're as good as dead, or at least wishing for it.

"My name's Rito." Rito introduced himself easily. "What are you doing here?"

"The apartment complex I'm to be staying at for the month is supposed to be somewhere around here." Replied Neuro as he looked around innocently. "It's likely we just took different routes to get here. I'm still a little unaccustomed to the area." Total lie. He'd already memorized a map of the entire city, among several other things that might come in handy, he just needed to act the part of an exchange student properly.

"Yeah, it can be pretty confusing to be in a different country, after all." Not that Rito would know, since he'd never left Japan... Well, except for that one time he and his friends were stranded on another planet, but that was neither here nor there.

"Well, I suppose I'd better be getting home, I still have to get settled in." Neuro gave a mostly false excuse before leaving. Sallem had provided him with a very well placed office and all the essentials, as well as arranging the furniture quite nicely. He just needed to familiarize himself with his temporary office/place of residence, which, given how fast Neuro works, won't take more than a minute or two.

"He seems like a pretty nice guy." Observed Rito. "Not like our last new student." He shuddered. At this point, Rito became aware of a loud barking and several people screaming. Turning to see what it was, he was very surprised to see some kind of dog running his way.

Ordinarily, loud barking and a few people screaming would easily be clues to a mad dog of some kind getting loose, but this case was different. The dog in question was very large and had blood red fur, or at least Rito **hoped **it was just its fur, but that wasn't the weird part. It had **six **legs and eyes, what looked like **scales** all over its legs, and was Rito going crazy, or did the dog have a **snake** for a tongue. Not wanting to stick around to find out, Rito quickly ran screaming.

After running aimlessly around the neighborhood for about five minutes, Rito came across someone he **desperately **wished he hadn't.

**"Oshizu!"** Panicked Rito.

"Oh, hello there, Ri-Ri-Ri..." She trailed off fearfully as she saw why Rito was running. **_"DEMON DOG!"_** She shrieked. Then, all of a sudden, Rito found himself flying through the air, courtesy of Oshizu's psychic powers, which had clearly gone into overdrive, based on the speed and height Rito was at. Not that this was surprising however, given how scary and mad the dog looked in comparison to the dogs she normally freaks out about.

* * *

**With Yami-chan**

Yami-chan didn't like this. She didn't like that, even with all the ingredients Rito Yuuki had helped her buy, the food she made didn't taste very good. She'd eaten it, though. She saw no sense in letting good food go to waste. But she wanted to prevent something like that from happening again. She wondered how she could get the food she makes to taste better. Then she remembered the food she'd eaten when she visited Mikan. It was quite good, so she figured that she could get cooking lessons from her. This is how she found her feet leading her to the Yuuki household.

The moment she found herself right outside the door however, she heard a faint yelling. One which quickly grew louder and louder, until something (or, more accurately,** someone**) crashed into her.

"Owww." Groaned both Yami-chan and Rito as they tried to gather themselves. Normally Yami-chan wouldn't be so disoriented, but the speed at which Rito was going caused him to ram into her harder than he usually did. Not surprisingly, Rito was the first to gather his wits about him (he gets hurt quite a bit, so he's used to pain, in case you haven't put two and two together) and the first thing he noticed was that his left hand was on Yami-chan's chest, while his right hand was grabbing her thigh. Needless to say, Rito got up instantly.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Apologized Rito frantically. "There was this weird dog, and I ran into Oshizu, and she..." Rito trailed off when he realized that, not only had he not been pummeled yet (which was surprising enough on its own) but Yami-chan was still trying to get her head back on straight. "Um, are you alright, Yami-chan?" He asked as he helped her up.

"I'm fine." She replied bluntly, still disoriented. "You landed on me harder than you usually do."

"Does this really happen that much?" Asked Rito awkwardly.

"Enough times for me to know how fast you usually fly." She answered as she finally got her head on straight... Only to notice Rito was holding her closely. "Let go of me... Now!" She seethed red-faced as her hair turned into a giant fist.

Rito quickly let her go and tried to get away, but got a powerhouse straight to the face regardless. "I'm sorry." He apologized pitifully.

"You'd better be." Remarked Yami-chan as she changed her hair back to normal.

"I wonder how far I flew," Rito pondered as he got up. "And where I am now." Looking around, it didn't take him long to find out. "This is my house." He realized. "What are you doing here Yami-chan?"

Like she had yesterday, Yami-chan just stared at Rito for a few seconds before responding. "The food we bought yesterday was difficult to prepare. I was hoping Mikan would teach me how to cook." She finally responded.

"Is that so?" Came a slightly mischievous voice from the gate. Turning to see who it was, Rito and Yami-chan saw Mikan with a playful and knowing look on her face. "You two went shopping yesterday, did you?" She asked. "And now Yami-chan came here for cooking lessons. Did I hear right?"

Like she'd done with Rito, Yami-chan just stared at Mikan for several seconds before responding. "Yes. I was informed that my current diet could be detrimental to my health, so Rito Yuuki informed me of some more appropriate foods to eat. Though like I said, I know little about how to prepare anything."

"Well you've come to the right place, Yami-chan." Replied Mikan happily. "Unfortunately, you've also come at the **wrong** time." She continued, oddly still happy looking. "School wiped me out pretty badly today, so I'm gonna get some rest right now. Though I'm sure that Rito would be more than happy to help."

"Me?" Panicked Rito. "B-B-But I don't know how to cook! You know what a disaster I am in the kitchen!"

"I'm sure that you'll do fine, Rito." Mikan shrugged him off casually. "I'm sure you two can manage **something**. Two heads are better than one, after all." Walking over to Yami-chan, she quietly whispered to her. "Don't worry. I know how to keep a secret." She reassured a slightly confused looking Yami-chan, before going inside to call Lala and tell her to stay at Haruna's house for a while, and try to keep everyone at home in their rooms, so Rito and Yami-chan could make some progress. After all, Yami-chan was one of her best friends, and if she really wanted her brother (see previous volume for explanation), then she'd help her out as best she could.

* * *

**With Neuro**

"You owe me two more mysteries, canine." Neuro demanded rudely into his phone.

"What'd you do this time Neuro?" Asked Sallem on the other end.

"What did I do this time?" Wondered Neuro. "You're the one who gave me these brain-dead instructions in the first place."

"I did?" Wondered Sallem honestly. "Sorry, I must have been half asleep or drunk at the time. Would you mind repeating my orders?"

"You can't honestly expect even** me** to remember ever detail of some inane conversation I had with you." Remarked Neuro rudely.

"I wasn't asking you to!" Snapped Sallem. "Just paraphrase as best you can." He requested, fully aware that Neuro would be as insulting as possible.

"Very well then," Replied Neuro with a devious look plastered across his face. "First, you pitifully requested that I waste my valuable time by wasting the talents of **_Evil Hound_**; the greatest tracking beast in the Demon World, in order to frighten an innocent child into running a certain path until he runs into a ghost with powerful telekinetic powers and a staggering, not to mention highly illogically and inept fear of dogs, fully aware that the ghost louse would then send the living louse; not to mention my valuable bloodhound, flying off to who knows where."

"Secondly, you then, even more pitifully requested that I have one of my **_Evil Stalkers_** record the whole occurrence for your amusement, which I can't really blame you for, since I rather enjoyed it as well. For that, you owe me two mysteries." He explained quite cockily. "By the way, I can't help but wonder how you managed to have the boy land right where you said he would. That's truly a rather remarkable feat," He wondered. "At least for a canine." He added rudely.

"Oh yeah, it's all coming back to me." Recalled Sallem. "That's two mysteries I owe you then, and I suppose I'll also have to track down your hound before it causes too much trouble... At least, after you send me the video." He negotiated shrewdly.

"Very well," Growled Neuro bitterly as he sent the video. "But these mysteries had better be **very** good, and you'd do well to find my hound before tomorrow."

A pause of a minute or two occurred on the other end of the line before Sallem said anything. "Yo ho ho ho ho ho! That was hilarious!" Laughed Sallem. "Very well, the information on your mysteries are being sent. One's a serial murder case that's been stumping the police for more than a year now and has more or less been all but forgotten, while the other is an ongoing drug case suspected of being connected to at least seven separate murders, so I highly doubt that you'll be beaten to the punch this time. You're going to have to work with the police a bit on these, but thanks to my blackmailing, you shouldn't have any trouble with getting their cooperation."

"Working with the police," Chuckled Neuro. "What a novel concept. Usually, they're the ones depending on me. Though I suppose they still will be on these occasions." As he looked at the messages on the cellphone, two locks of his hair stood up. "My, these mysteries certainly **do** look promising. I hope for your sake that they aren't solved by the time I get to the police station."

"Like I said, these cases are highly unlikely to be solved by the time you get to them," Remarked Sallem. "Which is exactly why I chose them in the first place. I don't exactly like being impaled."

"No, I suppose you don't." Remarked Neuro dully. "But how **did** you manage to get the louse to land exactly where you said he would? I must admit that even I'm stumped."

"It's very simple," Began Sallem. "All I did was have you scare Oshizu while Rito was nearby, and then have Finagle's Law; which states that 'If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it', take over from there. It helps that this is what I was aiming for in the first place."

Neuro didn't say anything for a moment, before he broke into crocodile tears and replied. "Oh Sallem. Did I accidentally fry your circuits when I impaled you?"

"You did not fry my circuits, Neuro." Answered Sallem bitterly. "I'm merely able to see exactly how the universe works."_ 'Mostly because I'm the one writing this story.'_ He added mentally as he winked at the screen.

"Very well," Shrugged Neuro. "I suppose even experts have a difficult time figuring out how the canine mind work."

"F*** you." Deadpanned Sallem before hanging up the phone, effectively getting the last word in, something that did **not** sit well with Neuro.

"I'll have to get my revenge at a later date." Remarked Neuro bitterly. "Right now, I have mysteries to consume."

* * *

How did you all like that? Was it hilarious? Are you left wanting more? Do you think I'm going overboard with all the crossovers and pop culture references? Be honest, that last one really has me worried.

At any rate, I'd just like to take this time to explain something about myself and the way I write. When I write, I usually only have a rough idea of what I want to do. I know what Point A and Point B are, I know about half of the landmarks, but sometimes I just get slightly lost on the way. In other words, I know **what** I want to do, I know **where** I wanna go to do it, but I just have a hard time figuring out **how **to get there. Do I ride a **bike**? Do I take a **bus**? Do I **walk**? Walking would be **too much** effort and time, while the bus **wouldn't be enough** effort and time, so that leaves the bike. But what **kind** of bike? What **gear**? If there's more than one path, and there's **always** more than one path,** which **path do I take? I figure out most of these small details as I go along.

The main reason I'm writing fan fiction is because I'm not good enough to put my stuff out there for real yet, or at least, that's what I keep telling myself. The other reason is because I don't have enough practice coming up with stuff on my own. You may think that writing fan fictions is a bad way to do that, but it's actually a pretty good way of doing it. The ideas are already there, you just have to build on them until you're so good, you can begin your own construction project.

I may follow through on my dream to become a writer. I may just be blowing out smoke, end up working at a retirement home and living with my parents until I'm 30. But for now, and likely well after I start working, I'll be writing fan fiction, and that's good enough for me.


	4. Someone's in The Kitchen With Yami

How's everyone doing? I don't have vary much to say right now, aside from introducing the fourth chapter of this story. However, I'd like to remind everyone that I'm working hard on these stories, and some of them are somewhat forced. In other words, I'd like to get a few suggestions thrown my way every so often. I'm not saying I can guarantee that they'll be put in, but I'll see what I can do.

"One more thing!" In case anyone's curious, this is the first chapter I'm writing **after **I posted this story.

* * *

**In The Kitchen With Rito and Yami-chan**

_'This is not good! This is not good! This is not good! This is not good!'_ Rito recited this mantra in his head._ 'Mikan knows I'm a horrible cook! Yami-chan can barely stand me! And given my track record, something is bound to go horribly wrong!'_

"Rito Yuuki," Yami-chan began coolly, sending a nervous chill up his spine. "There is something I need to-"

"So what do you want to make?" Asked Rito quickly, hoping to distract Yami-chan for as long as she was here.

Rito couldn't see it, but he could clearly feel Yami-chan's cold, thoughtful gaze boring into his back for about twenty seconds. "Something easy to make that meets my necessary dietary needs." She finally said. "Now as I was saying before-"

"Something easy to make... Got it!" Replied Rito hastily as he found something in a cookbook that Yami-chan had not seen him grab. "Curry Rice. It's a very well balanced dish, and it's got meat, grains, and vegetables. Just add a glass of milk and some fruit for dessert and you've got a well balanced meal." Finished Rito, trying to cover all the bases that Yami-chan might want to know about the nutrition facts.

As was becoming the norm for him after talking to Yami-chan, she stared at him for an uncomfortable length of time, with Rito wondering what was wrong. He was so focused on Yami-chan, that he wasn't even really reading the cookbook anymore. Suddenly, the cookbook was grabbed from his hands by her hair. When Rito felt her gaze drift away from him, he realized that Yami-chan must have suddenly found the cookbook much more interesting than him... Why did that make him feel depressed?

Finally, after a rather long pause, which Rito did** not** feel awkward about for once, as Yami-chan's attention was on the cookbook, rather than him. She responded. "This does seem like a very simple and nutritious meal." She observed, highly interested, at least by her standards. "Where do you keep the ingredients for it?"

"The ingredients?" Parroted Rito, obviously clueless. In his haste to appease Yami-chan so she wouldn't stare at him so intensively (it was really beginning to freak him out), he'd completely forgotten to look at the recipe itself. All he knew about Curry Rice were the main ingredients of curry, rice, meats, and vegetables, and that it was a very popular and nutritious dish. He didn't have any clue about the finer details of exactly **which** meats and vegetables were in it, or how to prepare it. "Well, let's just take a look at the recipe and see." He said as he slowly and shakily reached for the cookbook, Yami-chan noticed this and quickly handed him the book.

"Rito Yuuki." Began Yami-chan again as Rito began reading the recipe.

"Y-Yes?" He swiftly responded.

"You are frightened," She observed bluntly, causing Rito to flinch. "And I think I know why." She made a long pause again, making Rito sweat again. "You are afraid of my silence, or rather, my silence while I'm deep in thought." Rito was immediately lost.

"Silence while you're deep in thought?" Parroted Rito in befuddlement, before he decided to clarify. "Actually, I've been getting nervous because you've been staring at me intensively so much." Now Yami-chan was lost.

"I've been staring at you?" She wondered as she stared at him in silence again.

"Yes," Replied Rito, more awkwardly than nervous this time, as he was beginning to understand what was going on. "You're doing it right now." He informed her.

"I am?" She asked as she snapped out of her staring. "I was just thinking."

"I guess you just have a habit of staring when you think. Sorta like when you read books, I guess." Realized Rito while scratching the back of his head. "What are you thinking about anyway? Something really tough has gotta be on your mind if you're taking so much time thinking about it."

Once more Yami-chan began staring, though since he knew it wasn't really directed at him (he hoped) Rito didn't let it bother him this time. She stared at him longer than he'd ever seen her do so before, even though she only started this habit yesterday. "I need to think over **exactly **what to say to you." Rito looked slightly taken aback, and Yami-chan looked almost... nervous. "As I stated yesterday, Sallem has a habit of playing with people however he pleases." Yami-chan looked calmer, while Rito was beginning to understand the situation fully. "He has obviously set his sights on making us... an... item." Rito noticed a slight blush on Yami-chan's face, and was almost certain that she was aware of it since she seemed to be struggling to keep a straight face.

"I... see." Replied Rito eventually. "I've actually known that he was trying that for awhile." He admitted, Yami-chan's eyes widened marginally before quickly returning to her indifferent demeanor.

"You're already aware of this." It wasn't a question. "Exactly how long have you been aware of his twisted ideas?" That was.

"Well... I'd have to say that I've had my suspicions since he held me at gunpoint and told me to name every girl I can off the top of my head." He answered awkwardly.

Once again Rito was met with Yami-chan's silent glare, but there was something different about it this time. Something... Angry? Probably, but there was also something else in there too. What it was, Rito wasn't exactly sure, but his instincts told him that whatever it was, he should be running from it right now. "And I was one of the girls you thought of?" She finally said. At that point, Rito realized by the faint blush on her cheeks, that the other emotion was embarrassment, and he knew all too well what happens when Yami-chan gets embarrassed.

"Y-Yes." He replied fearfully.

"Why?" She asked immediately.

"Well... You hurt me a lot." He answered awkwardly.

"I see." She breathed, looking somewhat relieved. "In that case, neither of us has anything to worry about. You're my target, I'm your killer. So long as these roles don't change, which they won't, no romance can be nurtured."

Rito wasn't sure how to respond to that. She reminded him about the exact nature of their relationship, and gave him a very logical explanation as to why they would never wind up together... So why did this not make Rito feel any better? Based on past experience, he could safely say that the chances of Yami-chan actually killing him were slim to none. Pound and scar him yes, but not kill. Maybe that was it. She wasn't making any active moves to kill him, so she wasn't really his killer, and so her statement didn't have any real hold in reality.

And even if she was serious about her claims to kill him, Rito had a feeling that Sallem could work his way around that and make them connect regardless. He seemed extremely confident about his plans, even to the point of informing Rito of them beforehand. Not to mention that he clearly had a good track record if he's been doing this for... How many years did he say he's been at this? Seven years? Rito was pretty sure about that number.

The question now was: Should he tell her about his suspicions? If he told her now... she'd likely **kill** him to prevent anything from happening. If he didn't tell her and she found out later... he guessed it would have to depend on how long before she found out. If she found out soon... she'd likely **kill** him to stop anything from happening. If she found out later, as in **after** whatever plan Sallem may have succeeds... she wouldn't kill him, but would likely apply some force into getting them into a relationship, if Rito wasn't already hooked by then too... _'Wait a second...'_ Thought Rito. _'This is it isn't it? I can't say anything without getting killed, and Sallem will just keep pushing us together until we both cave! One path leads to death, while the other leads to me and Yami-chan falling in love! There are literally **no** other options for me here, and Sallem knows it!' _Rito visibly tensed when he realized this. _'He's got me boxed into a corner! My only hope is for Yami-chan to not cave, but Sallem's good, too good for that hope!'_

"Now you're staring, Rito Yuuki." Observed Yami-chan, snapping Rito out of his trance. "What are you thinking about?"

"I was just," He gulped, buying a second to think of a quick lie. "Wondering about how Sallem would react to you figuring that out." He lied hopefully.

"He has no doubt already planned for my revelation." She replied easily. "Taking every factor into account is his modus operandi (method of operations for those of you who don't understand). He wouldn't be trying to get us together if he wasn't positive our personalities were compatible, and given his intellect, he's likely to be correct." She admitted.

Rito's brain came to a screeching halt. "Wait a second," He began sternly. "You're saying that there's a good chance, a **very** good chance, that we could be..." He gestured between them awkwardly.

"Yes." Was her simple answer. "If the circumstances between us were different, there's a good chance we could have fallen in love. However, I was hired to kill you, and that's exactly what I plan on doing."

Now Rito was really confused. "If you're so certain that we could fall in love, then why do you keep trying to kill me?" The moment he finished that statement, he found a blade pointed directly at his face.

"Are you saying that you **want** us to fall in love?" She asked as dangerously as she knew how to sound. "I was under the impression that you already held feelings for, Haruna, was it?"

"Well, yes but," He gulped shakily. "People don't really tend to take my feelings into consideration very much." He finished, lame as it sounded.

Staring at him for a few seconds, Yami-chan slowly withdrew her blade and turned it back into her hair. "Your life doesn't sound very pleasant." She observed bluntly.

"You don't know the half of it." Sighed Rito, half in depression and half in relief. "Between the aliens, my social life, and all the times I get; tripped, pushed, thrown, or otherwise shown or felt the female body in various ways against my will, it's hard to be me."

"Against your will?" Highlighted Yami-chan curiously. "Are you saying that every time you've done something ecchi, it wasn't your fault?" She asked with extreme skepticism.

"Exactly!" Sighed Rito thankfully. "I'd never do anything like that on purpose. It's like I've got the worst luck in the world... Wait a second... Are you saying that you've never noticed that none of those... encounters... were my fault?" The notion that an assassin as skilled as Yami-chan wouldn't notice something like that sooner baffled Rito.

"I was always more concerned with teaching you a lesson you never seemed to learn." She admitted remorselessly. "The idea that every time you were doing something ecchi was nothing more than an accident is ridiculous."

"Agreed," Admitted Rito. "It shouldn't be possible that things like that happen to me all the time, but that's sadly not the case." He sighed.

"You should train your balancing abilities." Deadpanned Yami-chan.

"Well, that might work for a few cases, but-"

"We should begin cooking." Interjected Yami-chan swiftly.

Blinking in mild disbelief a few times first, Rito asked. "Alright, but why?"

"The more we talk, the more likely we are to fall into some trap of Sallem's." She explained. "While I have stated my desire to distance myself from you emotionally and eventually kill you, I am also not naive to Sallem's track record. He's published several books detailing his exploits in the past - most of which I've read - and he's helped even the most unlikely of people to find love. While my resolve may be set now, Sallem is a master at manipulating the emotions, feelings, and ideals of others to entertain himself, and even I might eventually fall prey to his tricks." She turned her hair into a blade and positioned it at Rito's neck. "No more talking, all I require of you now is cooking lessons. Anything else is too risky at the moment, and even cooking itself may be risky."

Not wanting to argue and risk further injury, Rito silently complied and started retrieving the ingredients listed on the recipe.

* * *

**On The Stairway**

_'So that's what this is all about.'_ Realized Mikan as she eavesdropped. _'I thought Yami-chan was acting weird when she said she wanted my help in winning Rito over, if that was even her at all, and now it all makes sense. She never really wanted Rito at all, it was just some twisted ploy by Sallem. Although... She did say that Sallem had a really good track record and that he took other peoples feelings into consideration (even though the gunpoint thing was really pushing the envelope) and she even admitted that she and Rito were most likely compatible. So why is she staying so distant when she knows she could be happy with Rito?' _Mikan thought this over for a moment._ 'She tries to make it sound like it's because of her pride as an assassin, but personally I think she sounds more like a tsundere than anything else. Sallem might actually be on the right track with this.'_

An assassin and her target, ridiculous as it may sound, was most likely what was going on here. _'Sallem can probably manage this on his own. He has years of experience after all, but Yami-chan's my friend and I want to help. But if two people play matchmaker without working together, it can end badly... Maybe I could ask Sallem if I could help somehow.'_ Setting aside her thought of getting her brother and best friend together, she eventually decided to instead contemplate what it would be like to have several sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephews like she was so obviously going to have in the future.

* * *

**6:43 - After The Cooking Lesson**

"Thank you for teaching me how to cook, Rito Yuuki." Said Yami-chan. "Are you certain it's alright for me to borrow this?" She said as she held up a rather worn cookbook.

"Of course, of course." Answered Rito nervously as he gingerly rubbed the cuts and bruises he recieved from her. (Shit went wrong. At this point do you really need any specifics that could just as easily be left to imagination?... Fine, have it your way. Rito tripped, landed on her, and got them both covered in flour, to tell you the rest would just be redundant at this juncture.) "It's a pretty old cookbook so Mikan doesn't really use it anymore. Not to mention that you read pretty fast and seem to have a photographic memory anyway, so I don't think anyone will mind if you take it for a few days."

She stared at the cookbook in her hands for a few seconds. "Thank you for this, Rito Yuuki." Yami-chan thanked him, before promptly walking off without another word.

* * *

**7:52 - With Sallem**

"How did you enjoy all the festivities?" Asked Sallem excitedly.

"It... it was... just so." Fumbled Benitsubasa over her words. "Ohhh, it was just perfect! Thank you so much!" She exclaimed as she threw herself onto him. "The music. The dinner. The dancing. The movie. I don't even care that I had to share you!" She was so excited that it took her a few seconds to realize what she had said. "Er, wait! I don't mean! What I mean to say is! It was fun with all of us, but! Eep!" She frantically tried to explain herself, but shut up and blushed when she felt Sallem grabbing her but.

"Calm down, calm down." Sallem said reassuringly as he let go of her but. "Don't worry, I know **exactly** what you meant." He said knowingly.

"And what did she mean?" Asked Haihane jokingly, earning her a glare from Benitsubasa.

Grabbing Haihane by the arm and adding her to the hug, Sallem responded. "I think you already know." He explained to the two blushing and stuttering girls. "What about you Karasuba? How did you enjoy our night out?"

"I think you already know." Scoffed Karasuba mockingly.

"Aww, if you weren't having any fun you should have said so sooner. I would've been more than happy to take you to an underground arena or something like that if you really wanted." He replied teasingly, causing Karasuba to glare bitterly at him, though she had to admit that she did find the idea rather appealing.

"Don't mind her, Sallem." Brushed off Haihane. "She's just a tsundere." She chuckled at her own remark.

"Why you little..." Growled Karasuba fiercely, but stopped when she noticed Sallem staring slack jawed into space. "What are you looking at?" She asked as she followed his line of sight.

"A bar in the seedy part of town..." Observed Sallem vacantly.

"Yeah, so what?" Asked Karasuba as she looked at the bar in question. "Don't tell me you plan on getting drunk again."

"Two stories..." He continued, unhindered. "Sturdy chandeliers and a large crowd of roughhousing heavy drinkers highly likely... Must start bar fight." He finished mechanically as he walked towards the bar.

"Start what?" Asked Benitsubasa disbelievingly, as Haihane stared dumbly at him. Karasuba, however...

"A bar fight?" She asked, suddenly interested. "Now **that** sounds like my idea of a date. Not like when we chased down that demon dog for your friend." She followed shortly after.

"...What do we do?" Asked Benitsubasa uncertainly after a pause.

"Follow them?" Suggested Haihane, equally uncertainly.

They did so.

* * *

**7:21 - With Yami-chan**

Yami-chan sat on a chair on her ship, adamantly reading the cookbook she'd borrowed from Rito Yuuki earlier. She had to admit that many of these recipes looked quite good, and most were fairly easy, though she'd have to go shopping to get some more ingredients if she wanted to make most of these. She'd never really had much interest in cooking, or friendship, or... really anything at all besides killing and reading before she came to Earth. Now? Now she had at least Mikan and the princess as friends, and she suspected that some of the other people that she's encountered since coming to Earth also saw her that way, even her target sometimes seemed to (rather foolishly) act like that at times, and she was currently reading a book in an effort to get better at cooking. Yami-chan would even go so far as to admit that she was rather happy with her life right now...

"I wonder... how long this happiness will last?" She thought out loud.

* * *

How did everyone like that? Was it as good as you hoped it would be? Better? I've noticed that the number of people who read this story has gone up recently to around 80. While that's clearly not as much as many other stories get, it still feels good to know that there are people out there who read my material.

"One more thing!" I'm just gonna play an obviously unsupported guessing game as to how this stuff would fare in the real world. If it took 100 readers on this site to get 1% of the world with access to a library to buy it, I'd be selling books to about 1% of the developed world; or about 10,000,000 people, or maybe around 600,000 people if it's only going to America. I know that these figures are no doubt completely off, but a guy can dream, can't he? And if so, why not dream big? Either way, I'm still getting more words in this story by adding in a random author's note, or a "One more thing!" for those of you who've come to prefer that.


	5. A Day in The Life, Part 1

**Hello again.** Okay, I'll be perfectly blunt. The same focus on cameos and the SI so many people complained about before... It's gonna get a whole lot worse in this chapter. But **only** for this chapter. After this, I'm going to start focusing almost **exclusively **on characters that actually appear in the manga. There's about 1000-1200 words at the end of this chapter that focus on the actual canon characters, but that's it. If nothing else, at least there's no shortage a comedy in this chapter.

"One more thing!" I'm going to take another crack at making chapters longer. If nothing else, I can at least do these kind of chapters when the situation at least sort of calls for them.

"One more thing!" This chapter is going to be my first two-part chapter! Wish me luck!

"One more thing!" I'm sorry this chapter is coming out a week late, but my birthday was last week, and I didn't feel like updating.

"ONE MORE THING!" I'M POSTING THIS CHAPTER EARLIER THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD IN CELEBRATION OF OSAMA BIN LADEN'S DEATH!

**"One more thing!" I'm putting a very important announcement at the end of this chapter, so please read it.**

* * *

**The Next Day - At The Police Station (This mostly shows detective work by Neuro. If you don't like it, don't read it.)  
**

Neuro stared at the screens thoughtfully, waiting for the next call and pondering all the previous ones. He had to admit that he was very pleased with the results of the mysteries Sallem had supplied him with. He'd already figured out all the details regarding the serial killer, and had devoured his mystery the moment he'd been exposed; following the police who went to arrest him against their wishes to do so. It turned out that he'd been using lime to speed up decay to interfere with how the incompetent, career-obsessed, opportunistic vultures in this police station determined the time of death, and had an alibi prepared for whatever time they might likely come up with. A necessary precaution, given his prior record and the fact that he lived in the area of most of the killings.

Oddly enough, it was through the alibis themselves that Neuro was able to verify his guilt. As the people present at the alibis had noted that he'd always been around at least one of them during the original estimated times of death the vultures came up with, always treated them well no matter how badly they acted, and always had a strange smell on him, which, after having been shown them, they were willing to testify smelled **exactly** like the chemicals used to expedite decay; chemicals that a simple security guard like the murder was shouldn't have any need or use of in the lifestyle he **supposedly** lead. The calories and taste of the puzzle came more from the sheer number of victims and how long he'd been getting away with it than anything else. Neuro guessed that this puzzle was to him like finely aged and brewed alcohol is to the canine, minus the part with getting horribly drunk with a mere taste of course.

Now Neuro was using a wiretap to investigate a drug case. Oddly enough, it was tougher than almost any murder he'd come across in the past. The phone calls were random in length; between 30 and 45 seconds usually. No words were ever spoken; which is why Neuro had to strong arm the higher-ups into quickly authorizing the wiretaps to include any pictures sent by the phone. And the resulting pictures were of clocks set at different positions; Neuro had already figured out that the numbers the clocks pointed to referred to the latitude and longitude on a map. Now all he had to do was keep watching and recording the positions on the map the code referred to until they started repeating the positions and placed at least one mark near the docks; which would no doubt be their main resupply point. Not to mention that Neuro had also gathered enough evidence to link this drug ring to at least 12 murders, perhaps more, time allowing.

"My mouth waters just thinking about how high in calories this puzzle is." Neuro whispered to himself as a few drops of his drool dripped to the floor, quickly dissolving holes in it and terrifying the already nervous officer who'd been assigned to keep an eye on him during his investigation; the police didn't take kindly to an outsider butting into their investigations. Especially since he was so damn **good** at doing their job that they were afraid the higher-ups would fire some of the weaker links in the police force, especially since Neuro was offering to do so much work for just above minimum wage; Neuro planned on getting some new emergency funds (read as diamonds) on this trip via police work and private investigations. "This mystery looks to be almost as filling as the HAL case, if not more so. I should really give some thought to getting involved with more drug cases in the future: They're said to quickly sprout up again as soon as one is finished, after all."

At this moment, the alarm on Neuro's phone went off, informing him that it was time for school. "Blast these infernal time constraints." He silently cursed. "You there," He said, pointing to the fearful assistant the police department had given him. "You are to monitor the wiretaps and record any and all times listed on the photos sent. You are **not** to report these results to anyone but myself under any circumstances. You are **not **to stop monitoring them under any circumstances. You are not even to leave this room until I return. Do I make myself perfectly clear, louse?" He finished evilly.

Sputtering incoherently for a few seconds, the nameless (at least to Neuro) officer responded. "Are you completely crazy!" He asked indignantly, completely unaware that objecting to Neuro made **himself** the crazy one. "Who the hell do you think you are? You can't just barge into a police department and demand to be put in charge of whatever investigations you want! I don't care that you've solved a year long serial murder case in just a few hours! I don't care if the commissioner **is** saying that you can do whatever the hell you want; my guess is that you're just blackmailing him or something anyway! Do you honestly expect me to just do whatever the hell you want? You're not even being reasonable! You expect me to just stay here until you get back from school? What about food? What about the bathroom? You're just a student playing detective! I'm an actual officer of the law! Do you really think the commissioner will let you get away with this crap?"

After his rant, short of breath and somewhat relieved, he noticed that Neuro was leaning back in his chair and had a vacant look on his face: Blank eyes and a large toothless smile perfectly in the shape of a crescent moon. "Hey! Don't ignore me!"

Neuro had to admit that the detective was rather good at deduction for someone so obviously low on the ladder as he was. He honestly didn't expect anyone to catch onto the fact that the commissioner really **was**, in fact, being blackmailed, even if he wasn't the one doing the blackmailing. This new slave had surprised him somewhat. But then again, humans in his line of work tended to do that rather often; he would really have to stop underestimating such people. But the again, whenever he raised his expectations of humans, they had a tendency to let him down; such was this conundrum. Suddenly, Neuro became noticeably attentive to his surroundings again. "Is that all?" He calmly remarked in response to the outburst. "You needn't worry about food or the toilet. I've already thought ahead and supplied you with everything you'll need while I'm gone." He explained as he gestured at something behind the officer.

Turning around, the detective grumbled. "Food I can get, but how could the bastard get a toilet in-TWO ONIGIRI AND A BUCKET!" He exploded when he saw what the monster had prepared for him. "YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"

"Eh? Are an onigiri for each meal and a bucket for a bathroom not enough?" Neuro asked innocently enough as he donned a mildly confused expression and placed a finger to his chin in thought.

_'If I don't do this, he'll kill me!' _Realized the panicked officer. "N-No. It's fine." He gritted.

"Splendid! I'll be back at three o'clock!" Neuro replied in a chipper tone as he left.

* * *

**On The Roof of The Bar (Again, nothing to do with To Love-Ru, but it's still funny as hell.)  
**

"Oro~. My head." Groaned Sallem as he tried to rub away his hangover. "Doham Spring Sake always leaves me with such a heavy hangover. Why do I keep drinking it then? It really shouldn't matter that it tastes so damn good and is so damn good for me if it leaves so much damn destruction in its wake. Ahh, the mysteries of life." He sighed happily, until something occurred to him.

"What happened last night?" Thinking it over, he recalled a few facts; calling some really big guy Richard Simmons from before the weight loss, dodging a few blows here and there so the big guy would wind up hitting a lot of people and start a bar fight, swinging from some chandeliers while doing a Tarzan yell, suggesting Haihane play musical hats like Captain Jack Sparrow did during a bar fight in the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie (which she happily did), salsa dancing with Benitsubasa around the fighting, brawling with a rather inebriated Karasuba, then a big blur.

He would've tried to focus that blur if something hadn't interrupted his train of thought.

"Owww. What happened last night?" Groaned a voice Sallem knew belonged to Karasuba.

Hearing that made Sallem snap his eyes open, and after the sun stopped casting a headache worsening glare into his eyes (he surmised he was outside) he saw a hangover bearing Karasuba lying on top of him.

It took him three whole seconds to realize she was naked.

It took him another three to realize he was too.

It took another three seconds for Karasuba to open her eyes.

It took her another three seconds to realize they were both naked.

It took another three seconds for either of them to have any kind of reaction.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Outburst Karasuba as she shot up after their fifteen seconds of stunned silence and realization, only to quickly huddle against Sallem again to cover herself.

"Well... You don't see this everyday." Remarked Sallem evenly, obviously not the least bit fazed by this recent development.

"What the hell did we do last night?" She growled out bitterly.

"Well, based on our obvious hangovers and lack of clothes, I'd have to say we just had a drunken roll in the hay." He observed nonchalantly.

"You... You..." She gritted angrily.

"Me. Me." Replied Sallem mockingly. "You really shouldn't grit your teeth like that, you'll grind them down to nothing eventually."

"SHUT UP!" Exclaimed Karasuba. "WHERE THE HELL ARE OUR CLOTHES?"

"Well, it would seem that we're currently using my longcoat as a blanket-" Karasuba quickly snatched the mentioned longcoat and put it on to cover her body as she quickly got off of Sallem and turned away. "And you wearing my clothes after we wake up together makes it feel more like we're really lovers."

"SHUT UP!"

"I think I found our undergarments." Commented Sallem offhandedly.

"GIVE ME MINE!" Demanded Karasuba, her back still turned as she held her hand out, Sallem quickly complied. "Now where are the rest of my clothes?" She grumbled bitterly as she put what little clothing she currently had back on. Something quickly caught her eye. "I think I found your flak jacket."

"Oh you have now, have you?" Remarked Sallem as he quickly appeared in front of her.

It was in this way Karasuba suddenly found her breath hitched in her throat. She'd seen the man who called himself her husband (she still refused call him such) in a swimsuit before, but the sight of him in his black boxers was a slightly different story. In spite of the numerous mechanical part visible on his person, she had to admit it did him some degree of justice. His elbows, knees, neck, and most of his torso were crafted in such a way that if it weren't for their obviously mechanical nature, one could easily mistake them for the genuine article, though his right hand had a more obvious machine feel to it. His Glasgow Grin, while obviously unnerving to the average person, gave him an unmistakable air of brutality and carnage about him that was beginning to drive her crazy. And if his words about the Gourmet World and zombie slaying were accurate, it was definitely well deserved. And his ears and tail... she realized lamely that she'd already pounced on him.

"Is this going to be a regular occurrence when I'm in my boxers?" He asked seriously. "Because if so, I should really strip around you more often." He joked.

"JUST SHUT UP AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" Karasuba exploded as she got off him.

"Fine, fine." He shrugged as he put on a black shirt that she hadn't seen him holding earlier and then put on his flak jacket over it.

"Why didn't you put that shirt on earlier?" Karasuba deadpanned.

"I wanted to see your reaction to seeing me in just my boxers." He replied bluntly.

"You're horrible." She growled.

"You have no idea." Sallem said seriously. "Oh, and by the way... Black is **definitely** your color." He growled sensually as he checked her out.

Karasuba went wide-eyed in red-faced panic as she turned away and covered herself as best she could. "Sh-Sh-Shut up!" She stammered angrily; a reaction she found infuriating to her vicious nature. "Where are the others anyway?" She needed to change the subject quickly.

"I knocked out and teleported Benitsubasa and Haihane back home to bed right before I started drinking," He explained. "I didn't want anything bad to happen to them."

"And yet you're okay with me staying here and... **sleeping with you**?" She spat as she began gathering up her clothes.

"I didn't expect you to sleep with me." Rebuked Sallem. "I didn't expect you to let anyone so much as touch you. I didn't even expect you to get drunk. You really threw me a screwball on that one, and that's almost impossible to do."

"If it was such a screwball then why do you seem so calm about this?" She questioned doubtfully; this man **always **planned for** everything**.

"It wasn't my first drunken roll in the hay." He replied easily.

"What?" Karasuba instantly responded in disbelief. "You've done this before?" She asked, clearly baffled.

"Just once," He supplied. "This is only the second time I've had sex."

"And who was the first?"

"Why Karasuba, is that jealousy I detect?" Sallem asked mockingly.

"Shut up and answer the question." Karasuba growled as she resumed gathering her clothes.

"Fine, fine, touchy." Chuckled Sallem, Karasuba shot him a heated glare. "The first person I've ever had sex with, my first and only girlfriend before I came across the three of you, not to mention my medical instructor," He noticed Karasuba tense at the mention of the last part. "Fran Madaraki."

Karasuba was frozen in both movement and mind. She felt as if someone had just shown her the most disturbing image in existence while playing the creepiest music ever. Finally, after 146 seconds (Sallem had counted, he had nothing better to do since he had already stolen back his longcoat to finish dressing himself while she wasn't looking) she spoke. "Fran... Madaraki?" She questioned, Sallem nodded. Funny, she hadn't even noticed she'd turned in his direction. "But didn't you say she was *gulp* basically a patchwork girl made from dead bodies?" Sallem nodded again. After another 96 seconds (again, Sallem had counted) She replied.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" She exploded, hurting Sallem's sensitive ears. "THAT'S BASICALLY **_NECROPHILIA_** YOU SICKO!"

"Not so loud." Whined Sallem as he cleaned out his now throbbing ears. "Okay, I'll be among the first to admit that getting into a relationship with Fran wasn't my best idea, but not because she's essentially a walking corpse-"

"THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY DAMN GOOD REASON **_NOT_** TO GET INVOLVED WITH HER TO ME!" Karasuba cut-in.

"Look," Hissed Sallem as he got a bit to close to Karasuba for her comfort. "Let me explain a few things about how Fran and I worked. ONE! That relationship fell through anyway, so you shouldn't be so bothered by it. TWO! We weren't very compatible, but we still had some good times. Physical status didn't really matter while we were dating, and it doesn't matter now that we're just friends. THREE! I've had sex with some else before I did it with you. I have an old flame. So what? There are tons of people out there who don't marry their first love. It'd be** tons** easier to find the people who **did** marry their first love than those that didn't. FOUR! Even **I'm **kinda disturbed by that relationship, and it was my choice! I'd much rather just let this topic go as something we sweep under the rug and never discuss again. **FIVE!**" He raised his voice greatly, causing Karasuba to retreat in fear slightly, much to the dismay of her pride. "You're still in nothing but your underwear!" He finished perversely, causing Karasuba to collapse at the sheer ridiculousness of his words.

"DAMMIT!" She cursed as she rushed over to her clothes and frantically threw them on.

"Put it on slooowly." He called to her teasingly.

**_"SHUT UP!"_**

* * *

**Yuuki Household - Rito's Perspective (Finally, some canon.)  
**

_'What's this?'_ Rito thought groggily as something soft pressed up against him. _'Wait. I know this pattern.'_ He realized pitifully. "Will everyone in my bed besides me just get out?" He requested with his eyes shut tightly. With two obviously planned, matchmaking run-ins with Yami-chan in as many days, he was on pins and needles, and in no mood to deal with the usual craziness he's typically subject to nearly every morning.

"What was that, Rito?" Said Lala groggily as she tried to wake-up and get her wits about her.

"I don't want to." Groaned Momo stubbornly as she tried to snuggle closer to Rito.

"HOW THE HELL DID I GET IN HERE?" Exclaimed Nana frantically.

"Hey! You two should know better than to climb into Rito's bed!" Scolded Lala.

_'Hypocrite.'_ Deadpanned Rito silently.

"Hypocrite." Chorused Nana and Momo in unison.

"Get off of Rito! She's Onee-sama's fiance, not yours!" Demanded Nana as she tried to yank Momo off of Rito, but to little avail.

"He can have more than one. Royalty often has concubines." Countered Momo mockingly as she held desperately onto Rito.

"You're not listening to me! Rito doesn't like it when people wake-up in bed with him!" Lala continued to scold hypocritically.

_'You're one to talk.' _Thought Rito.

"What's with all the shouting in..." Came an obviously angry voice after the door swung open, before it trailed off uncertainly.

"Are we interrupting something?" Chuckled a second, much more mischievous voice after a long pause.

"Benitsubasa, Haihane, what are you doing here?" Asked Lala, informing Rito who those two voices were.

_'Great, now Sallem's gonna hear about this.'_ Realized Rito numbly._ 'When he gets involved, everything gets worse... For me at least.'_

After a few moments of silence... "Er... Well... We were just wondering if you've seen Sallem anywhere around." Said Benitsubasa uncertainly.

"And now we're wondering about what's going on here." Chuckled Haihane.

"No we're not!" Cut in Benitsubasa immediately. "We were just leaving." The door swung.

"Wait a second," Said Haihane as the door stopped. "What have we here?" She said mischievously.

"We don't wanna know!"

"Yes we do." Chuckled Haihane. "Take a **good **look at Lala and Momo, just South of their heads."

"I really don't want... to..." Benitsubasa trailed off and stayed quiet for a few seconds. "IT'S NOT FAIR!" She whined.

"Hu hu hu hu hu," Chuckled Haihane. "That was **too** funny. She's **way** too sensitive about her chest."

"Good morning Haihane. Good morning Benitsubasa." Greeted Peke. "Lala-sama, Nana, Momo. Why are you all in Rito-dono's bed again?"

"Again?" Chuckled Haihane.

"Are you saying this has happened **before**?" Asked Benitsubasa nervously.

_'All the time.'_ Thought Rito sadly.

"Yes, quite often as a matter of fact." Explained Peke. "Though I must admit, I've never seen them **all **in bed with him at the same time."

"First time for everything." Deadpanned Haihane. "Not to mention they're all naked, or at least close to it." She chuckled.

"Will you **please **just dress Lala already?" Pleaded Benitsubasa. "And bind her breasts while you're at it!" She demanded.

"Bind my breasts?" Parroted Lala quizzically. "What does that mean?"

"It means she wants you to hide that wonderful chest of yours Onee-chan." Answered Momo teasingly. "She's just jealous of us."

"Ahhh! Momo, let go of me!" Moaned Lala.

"You've never complained when someone grabbed your chest before Onee-sama." Pointed out Nana uncomfortably. "Why start now?"

"Because Momo's grabbing my tail toooooo~!" Wailed Lala.

"I am?" Questioned Momo. "Oops, sorry Onee-chan. My knee was on your tail." She apologized sheepishly

"Why are we still watching this?" Asked Benitsubasa uncomfortably.

"Because it's funny?" Supplied Haihane.

"Think what you want, but we're leaving before things get weirder." Stated Benitsubasa with finality as she slammed to door.

"Peke! Dress Form!" Called Lala.

"Right away, Lala-sama." Complied Peke.

Rito felt the bed shake and shift slightly, informing him that Lala had gotten off.

"Nana, Momo, get out of Rito's bed and let him get ready for school." Demanded Lala mildly.

"Right away!" Exclaimed Nana, most likely panicking about having forgotten she was in his bed.

"I don't wanna." Complained Momo as she snuggled up to him more. "Sallem's getting in the way of me and Rito. If he's not here then I can make some progress."

"Sallem's getting in your way?" Parroted Nana thoughtfully. "That's no big surprise really, he's never really liked you that much, and you know how he treats people he doesn't like. Remember Ren/Run?" She teased.

"I wish I'd remembered that sooner." Grumbled Momo as she obviously reluctantly let go of Rito. "Maybe then things would be going more smoothly for The Harem Plan." She muttered under her breath, though Rito had heard it.

About a minute after the sound of three sets of footfalls stopped when the door had opened and then shut were heard, Rito dared to open his eyes. Finding nobody in his room but himself, he felt rather pleased about how everything had gone. Glad to have the room to himself once again, he got out of bed and got himself ready for the day.

After he'd gotten his clothes on, he went to brush his teeth. After his teeth were brushed, he went to breakfast.** As** he went to breakfast, he realized something.

"Maybe Sallem has a point," He thought aloud. "Maybe I should just roll with the punches."

* * *

**VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! **I'm sorry to those of you who think I'm putting too much focus on outside characters, and I'm sorry that this chapter is loaded with it. But something you must understand is that I started writing this chapter **before** you started writing reviews about what you thought was wrong with this story and it just felt wrong to start this chapter over because of it. I'll try **very hard** to focus less on outsiders and more on actual To Love-Ru characters in the future. As it is, I've already used up all my plans for any focus mainly on them in this chapter, and any appearances they have after this will not take up too much focus on the story.

"One more thing!" To the guy who posted the 4th review to this story. All the surprises, twists, turns, and overall unexpected events around us are the spice of life. Admittedly, I may be going a bit heavy on the spice in this chapter, but I'm still an amateur cook and it's **my** decision, not yours. Don't like it? Write your own version of this story, I won't stop you, more power to ya in fact. Just make sure you ask permission if you want to use Sallem.

"One more thing!" The last volume of this story had almost an entire chapter devoted to commentary on how things were going, that featured a character that **wasn't even part of the rest of the story!** (Deadpool, in case you didn't know) People really need to accept the fact that sometimes there will be deviations from the normal routine.


	6. A Day in The Life, Part 2

Hello again everyone! It took some doing, but now I'm doing my work ahead of time again. I'm trying to be regular in my updates, instead of just posting willy-nilly every time I finish a chapter with no guarantee I'll be able to write the next one on time. If this bothers any of you just know that I'm trying my best to make things easier and more convenient for everyone to stay updated.

"One more thing!" This chapter is partially in celebration of Osama bin Laden's death, so don't be upset if you see a few references to him in this chapter, since they're all celebrating his end.

"One more thing!" I know I said that I would be focusing less on non-canon characters, but the death of Osama bin Laden gave me some of the best inspiration I've ever had and I just couldn't pass up a chance like this.

* * *

**School - The Same Day - Lunch  
**

"Rito!" Exclaimed Yui the moment she saw him.

_'It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?'_ Realized Rito numbly as he put his lunch down. "What is it?" He asked, though he already had a decent guess.

"Is Sallem anywhere with you?" She asked as she looked around.

"Thankfully no." Replied Rito. "Why are you asking?"

"He wasn't around yesterday, and he's not around today." She seethed in response. "Does he really think that just staying away from school will get him out of trouble? He's going to have to attend classes sometime, and when he does..." She trailed off, leaving everything to imagination.

Rito sighed. "Yui, I really don't think there's anything you can do about him."

"Oh really?" She asked with a scary glint in her eye, sending shivers up Rito's spine. "And why not?"

After taking a moment to recover his nerves, Rito replied. "Well, for one thing, he already founded the biggest and most successful company in the galaxy, so things like money and education aren't really an issue for him." Yui's jaw dropped at that, and some ears were perked. "For another, he's really only here to joke around in the first place, so getting a reaction out of people is probably exactly what he's aiming for." Yui started seething again, while some chuckles were heard. "Not to mention he's really good at getting out of any kind of trouble in one way or another, and I can tell you from experience, it's unlikely that he'll ever really be held accountable for any of his actions." Yui was furious, and laughter could be heard.

"THAT UPSTART!" Exclaimed Yui, slightly scaring Rito. "Does he really think he can get away with everything just because of whatever his position is outside of school? Amoral people like him in a position of power are already ruining this society, and now they're ruining the whole galaxy as well! Why is it that every time more aliens come to this school, I'm the only one making any effort to ensure that order is maintained?" She was on a ranting roll, and you'd either have to be crazy or a troublemaker to try and stop her, but since Sallem isn't present at the moment...

"Hey, hey, Yui-chan, there's no need to be so uptight." Cooed Risa as she groped a now red-faced Yui's chest for no discernible reason. "If Sallem wants to make trouble, why not let him? Things are more fun with him around, after all."

"L-L-Let go of me!" Demanded Yui as she wormed her way out of Risa's grip. "Why is it that whenever something shameful happens, it's always either you, Rito, or The Principal at the center of it?"

Rito was sorely tempted to address the issue concerning him in that comment, not to mention the fact that he was rather disgusted at the prospect of being compared to the principal. But decided against it when he realized it would probably only make things worse, and it was highly doubtful that Yui would even listen to him in the first place.

"I don't know anything about shameful," Denied Risa in mock embarrassment. "But if someone as sexy as Sallem wants to stir-up trouble, why not let him?"

"'Sexy'?" Parroted Yui angrily. "Since when did you find him 'sexy'? As I recall, you've done little more than complain about his antics since he got here. The Principal in your gym locker a few weeks ago being the best example of what he's done to you alone."

_'The Principal seems to be involved in quite a few of Sallem's antics.'_ Observed Rito. _'Almost as many as Run.'_

"She's probably just saying that because he's rich." Observed Mio.

"Hey!" Snapped Risa "Is there anything wrong with wanting a man who can provide for me? The life of absolute luxury thing is just a bonus."

_'So transparent.' _Deadpanned Rito, Yui, and Mio inwardly.

"Anyway, if we're talking about good looking guys with a job, Neuro seems to fit the bill better than Sallem." Mio added her two cents in (or two yen. Blame the currency.)

"We are NOT talking about good looking guys with a job!" Snapped Yui. "Wait, why would Nougami-san come-up in that topic?" She asked curiously, everyone else looked equally curious.

"Don't you read the papers?" Asked Mio, Rito and Risa both said no, while Yui said that she did, but only after school. "It's all over the front page. Apparently he solved a big serial murder case that's been stumping the police for over a year in a matter of hours. Not only that, but he's opened up a temporary detective office in his apartment during his stay in Japan."

"Seriously?" Asked Risa, a few octaves higher than normal, Mio nodded. "Man, he's hot, French, super smart, and he's already got a good job. Maybe I should go after him instead."

"Back off, Risa. You said you'd go for Sallem. Remember?" Reminded Mio.

"Alright." Sighed Risa dramatically, before turning a sly eye to Rito. "Hey, Rito." She began coyly, causing Rito's nerves to fray. "I've heard that Sallem's staying with you during his stay on Earth. Do you think you could talk him into going on a blind date with me?"

"I really don't think that's possible... Since he's already married." Rito braced himself for the inevitable backlash from his words.

"Ehhhhh!" - Mio

"Already!" - Risa

"At his age?" - Yui

"Yeah." Rito confirmed.

There was a long pause in which no one spoke. Until finally...

"Damn it~," Sighed Risa. "Of course an absolutely epic catch like him would already be off the market. My fault for getting my hopes up."

"Don't worry Risa, I'm sure you'll find someone." Reassured Mio.

"Thanks Mio. You're always there for me when I need you." Risa responded vacantly as a glazed look came over her eyes.

"Risa? Are you o...k?" Asked Mio dully as an equally vacant look came over her eyes.

"Are you two feeling alright?" Inquired Yui curiously.

Yui wasn't entirely sure what to expect as a response. Tired, lightheaded, indigestion, food poisoning. Something that would easily explain their dull expressions and words. But something she wasn't expecting was something that happened.

**THEY STARTED MAKING OUT!**

"Wh-Wh-Wh-What on Earth are you doing?" Exclaimed Yui as Rito did a spit-take with the juice he'd been drinking.

They didn't respond, as they just fell sideways onto the floor, making out the whole while. At that moment, everyone in the room started crowding and staring. Reactions varied greatly, most boys looked excited (Saruyama among them), most girls looked shocked (Yui among them), some boys looked shocked (Rito among them), some girls looked excited (yes, I really went there. Hell, the original series certainly goes there enough times for me to get away with it), while Lala just looked confused (this is not the least bit surprising). Neuro was too busy reading the newspaper to even bother looking, though as a demon he was used to much different manners of showing affection (their dating sims involve brutally mauling everything and everyone in sight in case you were wondering). Not two seconds after everyone started staring, someone made their voice heard.

"Yo ho ho ho ho ho!" Sallem's laugh cut through the room. "What did I say when I first got here? Lesbians. Both of them."

Snapping out of her shocked trance at his voice, Yui quickly turned her attention and anger towards Sallem. "YOU! What did you do to them?" She demanded heatedly. Completely ignoring for the moment the fact that he was currently dressed-up exactly like Uncle Sam (complete with white hair and beard), as she knew he'd most likely come up with some ridiculous response, possibly making her look stupid as well.

"What makes you think I did it?" Asked Sallem in a tone that made it perfectly clear that he was the one responsible. The fact that he was wearing his sadist face made it doubly obvious. "For all you know they just randomly decided to make out."

"Because these things are always your fault," She growled in response. "And because of their... choice in discussion just moments before." She finished lamely.

"Fine, ya got me." Admitted Sallem as he threw his hands up in surrender. "I laced their food with certain animal pheromones that would make them temporarily fall madly in love with each other. The effects will wear off as soon as they hear a loud bell." He explained. "Is there anything else?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact there is!" She declared fiercely. "Why are you out of uniform again?"

"You mean you don't know?" Sallem asked honestly. "Haven't you heard?" He questioned curiously. "It was my understanding that everyone had heard."

"Heard what?" Demanded Yui.

Opening the door on his neck, Chibi and Telly came out into the open.

"Chibi, you know what to do." Said Sallem sagely as he placed Chibi on a table.

"!" Responded Chibi, before popping a small boom box out of his head.

The moment Chibi popped the boom box out of his head, the Tiki Tak Tribe all floated into the room, much to everyone's surprise.

Before Yui could voice an objection to having music in school, however...

**THEY STARTED TO PLAY SURFIN' BIRD!**

As the music played, almost everybody naturally started dancing. Whether it was due to the hypnotic abilities of the Tiki Tak Tribe, or a natural inclination to dance whenever they hear music. The only ones who didn't join in the dancing were; Neuro, due to control, Rito and Yui, due to shock and common sense, and Risa and Mio, due to being too preoccupied with making out.

When the song finally winded down, Yui had finally gathered enough of her wits about her to press the singing, dancing, and obviously demented dog for questions. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT!" She demanded.

"OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD!" Exclaimed Sallem happily. "That's why I'm dancing! That's why I'm dressed like Uncle Sam! That's why the 9/11 suicide bomber ghost haunting Rito is finally weakening his hold on him!" Rito and Yui both froze at that last remark.

"What was that last one?" Asked Rito shakily.

"The 9/11 suicide bomber haunting you." Repeated Sallem as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses and handed them to Rito. "Here, put these on and look behind you."

Rito slowly and nervously did as Sallem requested, not sure he wanted to know what was going on. The moment he turned around, he saw the horrible sight of a green, decaying, melting man dressed in flaming robes. "WHAT IS THAT!"

"That would be the 9/11 suicide bomber I've been talking about." Said Sallem irritably, obviously tired of repeating himself. "From what I've come to understand, that guy has been roaming the Earth ever since he helped cause the great tragedy of 9/11, trolling for the 72 virgins he was promised by Osama. Given the incredibly evil nature of his death however, he's been deprived entirely of his ability to reason, is very powerful in certain areas, while very weak in certain others, and can't see anything beyond that single, all-consuming goal of getting all those women. It's also resulted in his grotesque appearance." He explained.

"Why is he haunting me then?" Asked Rito fearfully, though he had an idea.

"It's not what you think it is, Rito." Answered Sallem as he read the expression of the nervous human. "It's quite the opposite in fact. He's not haunting you **because** you have an obvious harem growing. His presence is actually the **reason** you have an obvious harem growing."

"Say what?" Asked an increasingly nervous Yui, obviously unnerved about the idea of a terrorist ghost haunting someone at her school.

"It's very simple, really," Began Sallem. "You see, ghosts typically have some extent of supernatural powers; the psychic powers Oshizu possesses are just one of the many abilities any given spirit may have. These abilities **usually** have something to do with the personality of the ghost in question, or at least the nature of their death, but this is not always the case. Regardless, in this case, this spirit has manifested the abilities of extreme hiding skills, and the ability to draw women to his host, in more ways than one." He explained. "You didn't honestly think that all those times you wound-up with your face and hands on some girl's crotch, ass, breasts, and/or legs were all natural occurrences, did you?" He joked.

"THEN GET IT TO STOP HAUNTING ME!" Shouted Rito, not only wanting the ghost gone, but also wanting his long running bad luck streak to end.

"Yes... Please do so." Requested Yui nervously. "Having the ghost of a terrorist haunting Rito will absolutely ruin the reputation of the school." She explained to mask the fact that she wasn't sure exactly which emotion she felt more of at the moment. Scared that such a malevolent spirit was haunting **anywhere **near her. Angry that a terrorist from 9/11 was haunting someone she had to admit she considered at least a friend. Or cheated that the only reason she felt anything for Rito may very well be because of some monster... _'Wait. What?'_ She did a double-take.

"I can't." Refused Sallem bluntly. "Though weakened, it's still latched on too tightly for even my technology to do anything about. The best I can do is scare it into behaving as best I can, though even that's not perfect."

"Scare it?" Wondered Yui, now officially clueless. "How can you scare something like **that**?" She gestured to Rito with disgust.

_'I'm glad she's talking about the ghost and not me this time... At least I hope so.'_ Thought Rito.

"My very presence scares creatures more in tune with their instincts that are relatively weaker than me into submission." Explained Sallem. "It's called 'Intimidation' and it's a natural occurrence in nature. That thing's so stupid, all it has left in the way of thought processes is instinct."

"But what about the school?" Demanded Yui heatedly, finally getting her nerves back.

"What about **me**?" Mildly whined Rito.

"Don't worry about anyone finding out," Rebuked Sallem. "Right before this conversation started, I had the foresight to place all three of us in a lower field of resolution. Everyone around us knows that we're here, but to them, right now we're nothing more than the background, they can't even hear us. So you have nothing to worry about, Dishrag." He 'reassured'.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Shrieked Yui, drawing many stares, much to her confusion and embarrassment.

Coughing into his hand, Sallem whispered to Yui. "The field wore off right before you shouted."

"WHY YOU LITTLE-!" The bell rung before she could finish.

**_"WHAT THE HELL!"_** Exclaimed Risa and Mio as they abruptly stopped sucking the face of the other.

Sallem escaped to his desk amidst the confusion and laughter of the room. But not before placing a large teardrop shaped diamond on Neuro's desk as payment for using **Evil Blind**, which he casually covered with his finished newspaper.

_'I love it when a plan comes together.'_ Thought Sallem as class started.

* * *

**After School**

"Why me?" Whined Rito as he slouched on his way home. "Why did this have to happen to me?"

"Quit complaining," Grumbled Sallem tiredly. "You've got the gift of attracting tons of women. Most men would kill to be in your position. You should be happy about this."

"This isn't right!" Rito raised his voice. "The fact that girls are coming after me because of a terrorist is just wrong, not to mention all the trouble it's been giving me."

"Calm down, Rito. It can't be helped." Sallem gently reassured. "Until the bastard on your back loosens his hold on you enough for me to suck him into a vacuum and turn him into a portrait, you're stuck with him and the curse he provides you."

Rito just stared at Sallem dully for a few seconds. "I'm not even gonna ask what you mean by that." He sighed.

"You're learning." Observed Sallem. "Pot?" He offered.

"WHAT!" Rito exclaimed, hoping he'd heard wrong.

"I'm asking if you want any pot." Repeated Sallem.

"NO! Why do you even have that?" He asked, pointing to the offending drug.

"It increases my intellect." Explained Sallem. "Granted, no one else from my home planet knows that and I still suffer from the all the aftereffects you humans suffer from, minus the health risks, but it still pays to carry it on me."

Rito stared at him uncertainly for a few seconds. "Why would **you** need to be any smarter?" He asked skeptically. "You said your I.Q. is over 10,000, yet you're still trying to get smarter. Why?"

"The same reason I keep earning more and more money." Retorted Sallem. "Even though my personal bank account already has what translates to approximately 13,000,000,000,000,000 yen given the current exchange rate, I still keep trying to make more and more, so my company can grow and grow, so the galaxy can get safer and safer and happier and happier! That, and because I can." He explained happily.

Personally, Rito didn't know what to think about that. Granted, it was mostly because his brain had shorted out when Sallem said that he had over 13 QUADRILLION YEN all for himself, so he didn't really hear anything beyond that, but he still had no idea how to respond.

They didn't talk anymore on the way home.

* * *

I'm sorry if this chapter seems a bit forced or abruptly ending, but I'm very depressed right now and I really don't feel like making this chapter any longer.


	7. Best Laid Plans

Hello again everyone! On with the show! This chapter actually has Rito and Yami-chan in it. I hope you like it!

"One more thing!" It's recently occurred to me that this Volume likely won't be as long as the previous one. Whether it be in just chapters, just in words, or a combination of the two, it will most likely be shorter than the previous volume. All I'm saying is that you should lower your expectations about the length of this story, that's all.

"One more thing!" This chapter is a bit longer than usual and I just finished it on Saturday, not to mention that FanFiction has been giving me some trouble lately, and I write this stuff directly onto a save file on the site instead of writing on a save file on my computer (though I do always have a backup on flash drive). So because of this, it may take a little longer than usual for me to update again. I'll **try** to get the next chapter out as soon as possible, but no promises.

* * *

**Two Weeks Later**

Rito was walking home from school, with Sallem following him, as per usual, though he really didn't mind. Why? For one thing, he wasn't talking to him. For another thing, he wasn't torturing him in some way. For one more thing, his presence was keeping his trouble with women in check. For yet **another** thing, this had been going on for the past two weeks! Rito couldn't be happier!

Yet at the same time, he couldn't be more afraid.

In the short six weeks Rito's known him, he's realized that Sallem doesn't shut up. Ever. If he's not teasing, he's joking. If he's not joking, he's sadistic. If he's not sadistic, he's casually chatting. If he's not casually chatting, he's either flat out drunk or high on something (apparently all manner of Earth narcotics are very beneficial to Sallem's species, though they still get high, and in Sallem's case very quickly) but still talking nonetheless. Basically, Sallem was an endless well of conversation and laughter that never stopped jabbering during any waking moment, unless he was setting up a prank, and therefore, didn't want to risk getting caught. Although, given all the bribery and blackmail he'd gotten involved in during his stay, it was obvious that he was honestly more concerned about the prank getting ruined than getting in any amount of trouble that he would never actually get in anyway. So why was he not talking now, or at all for the past two weeks (at least around him)?

Rito didn't know, and it scared the crap outta him.

So his reaction to what happened next was understandable.

"Hey, Rito-" Began Sallem.

"GAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Rito screamed, nearly having a heart attack.

Sallem just blinked several times in silence before continuing. "Okay... I can honestly say that I didn't see that coming." He began, treading carefully for once. "Anyway, I was just wondering if we could do something tonight. My stay here is half over, and I'm not very satisfied with how many of the sights I've taken in."

Rito blinked at him a few times, trying to get his breathing back to normal. "That's it?" He asked sceptically. "You don't have any big plans for me and Yami-chan?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Rito." Said Sallem, slightly lifting Rito's spirits. "Of course I have something planned for this outing for you and Yami-chan." And then he proceeded to shoot them down.

"I'd rather not." Politely refused Rito, half knowing what the response would be.

"You act as if you have any choice at all in this matter." Rito saw that coming.

"Why do you insist on doing this to me?" Asked Rito. "What did I ever do to you?"

"You never did anything to me," Answered Sallem bluntly. "I'm just bored, and you're an outlet for that. Be thankful. I don't give my matchmaking services to just anyone, after all."

Rito sighed. He knew that well enough by now that he didn't need Sallem to reiterate it, but that didn't mean he was okay with it. Why had Sallem chosen to relieve his boredom by messing with him? Was it because of his friendship with Lala? Was it because of the terrorist haunting him? Was it both or neither? What made him such a prime target for Sallem's entertainment? Knowing he would not get anywhere but the hospital or Ryouko's office (Rito blushed slightly at the thought, see Volume 1 for details) by arguing with him however, Rito elected to just take Sallem's advice for once, and just roll with the punches. Though even if he did that, he knew that, given his luck, there was a good chance he'd still get hit by a kick, one most likely directed at a very tender area.

"Fine," Relented Rito, already regretting his forced decision. "Where did you want to go?"

"That, my dear Rito is a surprise." Said Sallem slyly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do that don't involve you..." He paused, putting a finger to his chin in thought. "Well, they don't involve you at the moment, but rest assured that they will before the day is done." With that, he pulled out his remote, pressed a button, and disappeared in a burst of confetti.

Seeing this confused Rito slightly. Normally, Sallem would disappear in a flash of light, but he had just disappeared in an explosion of confetti. It didn't seem like anything significant happened. So why the change? As he began to continue home the confetti suddenly burst into flames, and Rito stopped in his tracks in surprise.

After a few seconds when the flames died down, Rito took notice of something sticking out of the ashes of what once was confetti. Looking around, he saw many people looking at the same pile of ashes in shock of what had just happened. Letting curiosity get the better of him, Rito quietly took whatever it was out of the ashes and quickly fled the scene.

* * *

**Yuuki Household - A Few Minutes Later**

_'What was that all about?'_ Wondered Rito as he paused to catch his breath outside his house. Deciding that he wouldn't figure anything out just by thinking about it, he took a look at what he'd pulled out of the ashes and saw it was a white envelope, not unlike what someone would mail letters in.

"How did this survive the fire?" Wondered Rito, though almost instantly he realized that there was probably some obvious answer to that question; fire-proof paper and Sallem teleporting it into the ashes after the flames had died down being the two most likely options. Deciding that he wouldn't find anything out by just staring at the offending piece of folded paper, he cautiously opened it away from him, threw it to the ground like a hot potato, and made a mad dash behind the sturdy concrete fence surrounding his house, afraid that Sallem had somehow managed to booby-trap it, he wouldn't put it past him to try.

After a few seconds of nothing happening, Rito dared to peek out from behind the fence and see if the letter was still there and not; burning, exploding, melting, spraying a gas of some kind, sprouting tentacles, or turning into a giant robot or monster of some kind. After a guinea pig had mutated and proceeded to maul The Principle three days ago, Rito wasn't taking any chances.

What Rito didn't know however, was that it was actually Neuro who had mutated the guinea pig with some **Demon World Mud** in an effort to torture The Principle in a way that didn't involve destroying his porn or making the man show his **extreamly** disturbing masochistic tendencies. His reasons for doing so were due to his pride that he could torture anyone in a method that satisfied himself and **only** himself, and destroying porn and watching The Principle get off from his usual methods was **very far** from satisfying for Neuro. Sadly, the mutant guinea pig had failed to make The Principle anything but happy with the pain, a fact which greatly disturbed everyone at school. Even **Neuro** found the situation highly uncomfortable.

Knowing that he couldn't put it off any longer, Rito slowing reached into the envelope, took out a message, read it, and as he did so he heard what sounded like a typewriter, and began to feel very stupid.

_Dear Rito,_

_We've recieved word that Dr. Claw has been recruiting new troops for his latest - Oops, sorry, wrong story. Anyway, I felt like the flash of light that I usually use for my teleporter was getting a bit old, so I decided to try something new. How did you like it? I bet I made you panic about the letter and then made you feel like a total idiot when you finally read it. Am I right? Am I right? Ah, I'll know soon enough anyway. I had a few members of the Tiki Tak Tribe follow you with cameras after I teleported away. Personally, I think that the typewriter sound of the letter was the real kicker that really tied it all together.  
_

_Signed, Sallem_

_"One more thing!" This message will self-destruct._

"SELF-DESTRUCT!" Exclaimed Rito, dropping the letter and ducking behind his fence again. After hearing a loud 'boom', he suddenly felt even more stupid for trusting Sallem to not put several layers of tricks into anything he does.

"What was that?" Asked Mikan as she suddenly burst through the front door.

"Sallem." Was all Rito needed to say.

"I see." Hummed Mikan as she caught sight of Pan Flute and Xylophone carrying recording equipment.

They waved at her.

She waved back. "Well, I suppose it's not that important then. Anyway, Rito we're all having a girls night out tonight, so that means that you and Sallem have to look after Celine while we're gone."

"Look after Celine? Tonight?" Asked Rito.

"Yes. Is there a problem?" His sister asked.

"Well, Sallem's planning on making me show him around tonight." He answered awkwardly.

"Take her along with you then." She suggested. "Celine doesn't get out enough as it is."

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea." Responded Rito uneasily. "Sallem's obviously got some kind of weird plan for me, and I don't want Celine to get hurt."

"Don't worry Rito, Sallem and Celine get along just fine." Mikan reassured.

"They do?" Wondered Rito. He'd honestly never seen them interact.

"Of course," She confirmed. "Sallem gets along great with kids. You should just see him at the park: He's always the center of attention."

"If you say so." Consented Rito, still slightly unsure, but at least he knew he wouldn't hurt Celine, and it wasn't like he could plan ahead for this anyway, it was so spontaneous.

If only Rito knew...

* * *

**That Night - After The Girls Have Left  
**

"Ready to go, Dishrag?" Sallem asked Rito as he harshly lifted him up by the crown of his head, Celine cradled in his other arm.

"Will you put me down?" Struggled Rito.

Sallem hummed loudly and obviously as he pretended to think this over. "Okay!" He decided as he harshly threw Rito face first into the ceiling with nothing more than a simple flick of his wrist.

"Owwww." Muffled Rito painfully from his spot on the ceiling before falling to the ground. "Owwww." He groaned more clearly from his new spot on the floor. Celine giggled with delight at the sight, seeing this manner of slapstick as the norm for Rito. "Why do you always do this to me?" He asked, completely exasperated.

"I'm catching up for lost time, and you've been an iron butt monkey ever since that terrorist latched onto you, so I'm just keeping things consistent." Sallem said in the most pleasant voice and face he could muster, which only served to make him look and sound all the more terrifying. "Now let's get going before the timing gets thrown off." He remarked as he walked to the door, stepping rather harshly on Rito's stomach on the way.

Rito could have asked Sallem what he meant by 'iron butt monkey'. He could have asked what he meant by 'the timing getting thrown off'. He actually **should have** done both as a matter of fact, but he knew Sallem well enough to know more or less what he meant by now.

He also knew better by now than to ask him too many questions when he was in one of his 'moods'. His moods being the times when he was most mischievous. Ergo, he settled on just voicing a question even he wouldn't complain to.

"Where do you want to go?"

"You'll see, Rito." Sallem replied pleasantly as he picked Rito up by his head again. "For now, I'll just be lugging you around in public like baggage to humiliate you."

_'Of course.'_ Realized Rito. He was completely under Sallem's control and didn't have much freewill where he was concerned. It was quite pathetic, but Rito knew that he'd have to go along with anything Sallem came up with if he wanted to keep his bones intact.

"That's not entirely true Rito." Observed the mind reading Sallem as he walked down the street, drawing many odd looks all the while. With the odd sight that was a scarred man dressed in mismatched cosplay carrying an orange haired schoolboy by his head in one hand and a little girl in the other arm. "I'm forcing you into every situation I could think of so far, yes. But what you do in these situations is entirely up to your own choice and I won't fault you whatever the outcome."

That got Rito's attention. "You mean you won't force me into falling for Yami-chan?"

"I can't **force** you to fall for anyone." Corrected Sallem. "All I can do is put you and whatever partner I've decided to set you up with in situations where you're forced to interact on an emotional and personal level. If you click, it just means I was right as usual and you'll do just fine together. If you don't, it just means that I'm wrong for once and that you won't wind up together." He explained.

"Won't you feel insulted by being wrong?" Asked Rito cautiously, beginning to get a headache from Sallem's vice-like grip.

"Both scenarios have happened with people I've tried to set up in the past." Shrugged Sallem. "Granted, the people I set up stay together far more often than not, but I've been wrong before, and I probably will be again sometime in the future... Just not with you." He added deviously, recalling some measures he'd taken earlier today.

* * *

**A Few Hours Ago - With Yami-Chan**

_'This is a good series.'_ Though Yami-chan as she cracked open volume 2 of Rurouni Kenshin. She was rather hesitant to read this series, but no more so than she was to to read Black Cat. The reason for this being that these books were given to her by Sallem Cortez (or more specifically, his wife) and she was quite aware that Sallem was more crafty than he was powerful, and that was** really** saying something. She knew that Sallem had planned for these series to have an impact on her mind in some way or another, and as much as she didn't want to tempt fate (or Sallem, who is arguably the more dangerous of the two) she always had a serious craving for reading and the cover art of both series were very well styled, drawing her eyes like moths to a flame. She recalled reading about something like this more than once before. _'What was it again? Oh yes, now I remember...'_

"Pandora's Box." Came a voice from behind her that sounded like someone gargling gravel.

Acting quickly, Yami-chan turned and transformed her hair into the ultra-sharp blades she favored when she wanted to seriously hurt someone.

Acting more quickly, Sallem casually deflected the hair blades with the knife installed in the blade of his left hand.

Yami-chan glared heatedly at Sallem, who just returned her look with a very cheeky grin, looking like he had nothing better to do at the moment than taunt her, which was actually true. After a long silence on both ends, Yami-chan finally shattered that silence.

"Why did you come here?" She asked. She already knew the how, she just needed the why.

"What? No pleasant conversation," Asked Sallem, mildly offended. "No 'How have you been?' No 'How's your business doing?' You're not even curious as to why I'm dressed like I'm in the M.I.B.?" He joked as he gestured at his black suit and dark shades.

"Why did you come here?" She repeated in a harsher tone. She didn't want to even try to understand what goes on in his twisted little mind.

"Hey," Complained Sallem. "My mind isn't little. Mind your own business, Mr. Narrator."

Fine.

"Why did you come here?" She repeated once more as she turned her hair into blades again. She'd rather not know what he was talking about just now.

"Why are you so reluctant?" Sallem asked casually, ignoring her own question.

Curious about what he meant, and choosing her words carefully, Yami-chan responded. "Reluctant about what?"

"Reluctant to adapt." He responded. Getting nothing but silence for an answer, he decided to elaborate. "From what I understand, you've been on this planet for around two years. Why, in all that time have you not abandoned the idea of killing Rito? Is killing Rito just an excuse that you can prolong at your leisure? Do you plan to ever **really** kill him? What is it that makes you so unwilling to let your past stop controlling your life?"

Yami-chan kept up her usual cold exterior, pretending not to care, but inside, she was seriously wondering about what he was saying. She knew that he had a point. In truth, she **had** been using the assassination she was hired for as an excuse to stay on this planet, but she was still planning on eventually killing Rito Yuuki and eventually moving on. Her reason for this was simple, he'd even said it himself just now...

"My past." She finally answered, feeling that summed up her reasoning quite nicely.

"My presence alone can completely deter them." Unlike Yami-chan, Sallem wasted no time in taking his turn to talk. This was because he'd rehearsed what he was going to say to her during this conversation beforehand for over Twenty different scenarios. "You know as well as I do that whenever I so much as set foot on any planet, everyone who's aware of my existence is too scared to commit any crimes there. I've stopped entire **Global Scale Wars** this way. I may not be anywhere near as powerful as King Deviluke in terms of raw power, but my incredible mind and highly questionable sanity make me a much more feared threat."

"And what about after you leave?" She rebuked immediately. "We both know you're a nomad by nature. You can't stay in one place for very long before you get bored with it. You don't even care for your own fortune and house that much."

"That's very true." Consented Sallem. "But think of it this way: Lala, princess of the galaxy is one of the three women already in Rito's heart. Get in on that action, and you'll have the entirety of The Deviluke Empire on your side."

"You seem to be forgetting that **'they'** plan to overthrow The Deviluke Empire anyway." Rebuked Yami-chan before she could stop herself, completely ignoring that remark about three women being in Rito's heart. Pausing for about a minute to think of what to say next, she continued. "**You** may be a deterrent, but **'they'** have no interest in someone who merely sells his best products to the highest bidder. The Deviluke Empire however, has fought and won in the Great War. The rewards are so great compared to the risks that **'they'** don't care about the deterrent of The Deviluke Empire."

"Okay, where to start?" Sighed Sallem. "First of all, I don't just 'sell my best products to the highest bidder' as you so eloquently put it. I establish who would use it for a better purpose before I sell it to anyone... And I **may** just sell it to the highest bidder, regardless of any moral reasons if the price is right." He admitted sheepishly.

Yami-chan just stared at him with a clearly disappointed glare.

"Ignoring that." Deadpanned Sallem. "Second, even if the** 'threat'** of The Deviluke Empire doesn't deter them, then the **'actual'** Deviluke Empire itself will. They didn't get where they are now just by twiddling their thumbs on video games, after all. No, they got where they are today largely due to my products." He said with a cocky grin.

Yami-chan just continued to stare at him like he was crazy.

"Again, ignoring that." Deadpanned Sallem again. "Third..." He paused.

"I'm gonna make you blow away your fear and set yourself free. That's the reason I came here." He answered, coolly bringing back up the topic she'd first brought up upon his arrival.

Yami-chan just stared at him curiously for a few seconds, wondering what he meant by that. "Regardless of whatever you say, the fact remains that **'they'** will forever chain me to this lifestyle."

"Shut up! People decide how to live their own lives. A scum bastard doesn't have the right to chain anyone down."

At those words, something startling clicked inside her head. "So this is why you gave me Black Cat." She observed, letting her cold exterior slip up for once.

"Yes." Remarked Sallem with a cocky grin. "Chapter 10 was all I really needed you to read, the rest was just to keep suspicion from being aroused. Hearing something profound **once** may not have much of an impact, but hearing it **twice** certainly does. Having a suit on certainly helps, but I didn't want to be too transparent about the whole thing."

"And what of Rurouni Kenshin?" She asked, observing the book that had lain forgotten in her hand until now.

"Ah ah ah, no spoilers." He wagged his index finger at her as if she were a misbehaving child, a fact that thoroughly irked her, though she didn't let it show. "In the meantime, I shall take my leave. TTFN; ta ta for now." He bid her adieu as he pulled out his remote and teleported out of there in a burst of confetti.

Staring at the space Sallem had once occupied, Yami-chan waited several minutes, quietly debating her next move before doing anything else.

Quietly, without having come to any concrete decision, she returned to her book.

* * *

**Present Time - With Rito, Sallem, and Celine  
**

"You're on your own now Rito." Said Sallem as he casually dropped Rito on his butt.

"What are you talking about?" Rito asked as he rubbed his sore backside.

"I mean exactly what I say." Answered Sallem. "You're on your own, so you're on your own. I'm leaving, and you can go about whatever business you want."

Rito stared wide-eyed at Sallem. "You're just letting me go?" He asked astonished. "But what about the sights?"

"Rito, you should know by now that that was just an excuse to place you in the trap." Explained Sallem disapprovingly as he handed Celine over to him. "Honestly, you have got to be the third dumbest person I've ever met."

"Third dumbest?" Wondered Rito. "Then who are the first and second?"

"Some retarded, blond haired ninja with absolutely **zero** common sense who has absolutely **no idea** how to do his job properly, and a rubber pirate with an **incredibly** inventive style about him and who follows his job description **much** better than the retard ninja; in that order." Sallem answered. "In case you couldn't already tell, I favor pirates and hunt ninjas for sport." Rito stared at him wide-eyed. "Ninjas make great research subjects and guinea pigs for inhumane experiments." Explained Sallem as he teleported home in a puff of confetti.

Rito gulped. "Why does he always creep me out before he leaves?"

* * *

Well, that's the end of this chapter. Sorry if you were looking forward to Rito and Yami-chan interacting this chapter, it just wasn't gonna happen. But at least you got to see the set-up. Next chapter, I **promise** you'll see some **great** interactions between them.


	8. Parental Instinct

Thank you all for waiting for however long it took for me to get this chapter out! I own nothing and will now shut my trap and let you get on with the story.

* * *

**With Rito and Celine**

"This is not how I planned to spend my night." Thought Rito as he walked down the streets with Celine cradled happily in his arms. "At least the music of all these street performers we keep seeing is nice, right Celine?"

"Mau!" Celine cheered happily as she wiggled her feet in time with whichever music was loudest at the time.

Rito had to admit that there were a great many people playing music on the streets tonight. They'd seen all kinds of instruments being played tonight, a few of which he didn't even know the name of, but they'd enjoyed them nonetheless. Rito wasn't even sure why they were still outside instead of heading home, but at least the night was nice.

Suddenly, the idle wiggling of Celine's feet gave way to her entire being squirming violently in Rito's arms.

"Oi, Celine! What's wrong?" Asked Rito worriedly.

"Mau! Mau! Mau! Mau! MAUUU!" She chanted as she finally wiggled out of Rito's arms and fled down the street.

"Wait! Celine! Come back!" Exclaimed Rito as he tried to chase her through the dense crowd, but since he was much bigger than her, he couldn't get through as well. "Celine! CELINE!" Rito panicked as he lost sight of her, his voice unheard through the hustle and bustle of the large crowd.

* * *

**With Just Celine**

"Mau, mau, mau." Celine chanted merrily as she easily worked her way through the dense crowd.

"Well now, what have we here?" Came an eerily calm voice as Celine was grabbed by a pair of gloved hands. "You're a bit young to be wandering around on your own, aren't you?" The man said to Celine.

"Mau!" Cheered Celine.

"Well we certainly can't have that, now can we?" Asked the man shadily. "Especially in such a large crowd. Who knows what kind of monsters could be out there?" Wondered the monster idly.

"Mau!" Cheered Celine again.

"You know little girl, you're a tough little trooper; getting lost and still keeping a cheery attitude." The 'man' complimented. "I think I may have something on me that would be perfect for a little girl like you." The 'thing' said as he found his way out of the densely packed crowd and walked over to a quite and secluded place.

"Mau?" Wondered Celine idly as the man set her down.

"Hey bub," Came another voice, much more gruff voice. "Hand over da brat and no one gets 'urt."

"You're threatening me with your pointer finger?" Wondered the first 'man' calmly.

"Dis ain't no regular finger, bub." Said the second 'man'. "See, my bros and I got messed up in some weird crash when we was real drunk after a family reunion, we lost a few body parts 'ere and dere, and den some weirdo shows up and fixes us up with a few extras; and da sucker gave me a gun in each finger! And dese tings got silencers ta boot! So unless you wanna get filled fulla lead, I suggest yous hand over the kid."

"Hmmm," Hummed the first 'man' thoughtfully. "No." He declined.

"Dat's it den." Said the second 'man' as he fired a bullet at the first 'man's' head, felling him in one silent shot. "Bastard shouldn'ta been so protective o' da brat," He said as he walked over to Celine. "He might'a lived longer." Just as the second 'man' was about to nab Celine, a gloved hand grabbed him by the wrist.

**"How very interesting."** Said the 'man' who'd been shot in the head just moments ago darkly, shocking the second 'man'. **"It would seem that the canine had some hopes for you. However, it would seem that this is as far as you can evolve, _human_****."** The first 'man' said as though it were the worst insult he could think of.

"Wh-Wh-What da hell are ya?" Stammered the second 'man'. "I shot ya! Yous should be dead!"

**"That is not something you need concern yourself with."** Said the first 'man', who was beginning to seem less and less like a 'man' and more and more like a monster by the second. **"For now, I have a little present for you."** He said as he pulled what looked like a mutated bat out of his suit and shoved it into the second 'man's' head.

The last thing the second 'man' heard before he fell to the ground, screaming in pain was, **"Evil Stringer."**

"Well, I suppose that he's taken care of now." Observed the real monster at his handy work as he took the bullet out of his eye, where it had been stopped by nothing more than the closing of his eyelids, before turning back to the table he'd set a currently upset and confused Celine on. "Now that he's taken care of, I have a little present for you as well." He told her as he reached into his suit again. "I've heard that you have a fondness for cola, little one," He said as he pulled an eerie looking soda bottle out from his suit. "So let's see how you like some cola from the **Demon World**, shall we?" Neuro said with an eerie grin.

"Mau!" Cheered Celine as she happily took the demon cola from Neuro and started drinking it, completely unaware of all the danger she'd nearly gotten into, and of the danger that lie in wait in the beverage she'd gotten from the nice man with the funny face.

* * *

**With Just Rito**

Rito was frantic in his short search for Celine. He called out her name as loud as he could and kept his eyes glued to everywhere on the ground he could see.

**"GRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"** Came a piercing shriek that cut through the crowd, drawing the crowd almost instantly. But more importantly, drawing Rito, who was operating on parental fear logic, and therefore saw anything and everything even the slightest bit unusual as a potential lead.

"Excuse me! Pardon me! Coming through!" Rito said as he frantically worked his way through the crowd, hoping to find Celine at the end of it somewhere. After he managed to work his way through the crowd, he saw three people; Some guy writhing in pain on the ground, the exchange student Neuro, and...

"Celine!" Exclaimed Rito in relief as he saw her on the table and rushed over, glad to see that she was perfectly safe and unharmed, happily drinking... Wait, was that a soda bottle? "Celine, where did you get that?" He asked nervously as he cautiously took the bottle from her.

"I gave it to her." Remarked Neuro, casually ignoring everything else. "It's my family's secret recipe for cola, it's much better than any name brand cola in all regards. I have a little sister around her age who loves the stuff, so I thought she might like it as well." He lied easily.

"Better in 'all regards'?" Gulped Rito fearfully, too scared to focus on anything else.

**"MAAAUUUUU~!****"** Shouted Celine drunkenly as she darted off again.

"NOT AGAIN!" Exclaimed Rito as he took off after Celine again. Thankfully, the stunned crowd moved out of the way this time, giving them both a large area to run in. Why they wouldn't just stop Celine and hand her back to Rito was beyond him, but he knew that they were pretty shocked at what had just happened and weren't thinking straight. Hell, he wasn't thinking straight. If he was then he'd remember that if any of them grabbed Celine there was a good chance of them getting sprayed with her pollen.

* * *

**With Yami-chan**

Yami-chan was calmly making her way through a scarce part of town, just like she'd done every night for the past two weeks. Normally she didn't like to be predictable and stuck to a schedule of simply wandering aimlessly and stopping for food and new books whenever she needed them. For the past two weeks, however-

"Celine! Come back!" Came a familiar voice.

_'So he finally makes another move.'_ Thought Yami-chan as she turned to her incoming target. "Rito Yuuki."

"GAAAHHHH! Yami-chan! Look out!" Exclaimed Rito as Celine jumped onto Yami-chan before she had time to react.

**"MAU!"** Exclaimed Celine as she sprayed Yami-chan with a huge cloud of pollen from her flower, completely covering her in the stuff, before passing out.

"This is not going to end well." Rito gulped as he grabbed Celine and waited for the pollen to dissipate. Regular cola only caused people to fall in love with him for about half an hour, but Neuro had said the cola he'd given her was a special home brewed blend; better than commercial cola in all regards. So how would the pollen Celine produced from such a cola effect a person? "Guess I'm going to find out soon." Gulped Rito as the pollen began to dissipate. When it did, Rito had to blink a few times, rub his eyes, and then blink a few more times just to be sure he wasn't seeing things.

Standing before him was Yami-chan, but not as Rito knew her. This Yami-chan wasn't the same girl who looked to be about Mikan's age. No, this Yami-chan had the body of a woman, a body that most women would kill for at that. She'd grown a good head or so taller; most of which was in her legs. Her chest and hip were **huge**; about the same size as Ryouko's used to be before she put on several pounds of muscle, whereas her waist had remained remarkably small for a woman of her new height. While all these features made Rito blush uncomfortably, the feature that worried him most was the flower he saw on her head. Unlike the usual flowers that sprouted on the victims of Celine's pollen, this one was red as blood and snapped down on a fly that flew near it, making him gulp uncomfortably.

Blinking a few times to get any residual pollen out, Yami noticed Rito and her normally cold expression turned slightly softer. "Rito." She said as she took two steps closer to him and Rito took two steps back. "Stop." She ordered.

Rito immediately complied.

Yami took two more steps toward him, bringing them face to face. Several moments of silence passed between them, as Rito silently panicked and Yami just kept staring. Finally, the silence was broken. "You're blushing." Yami observed bluntly.

Rito's face got even redder. "I-I-It's not what you think!" He panicked. Much to Rito's surprise, Yami started chuckling, only slightly, but still...

"I know exactly what it is, Rito." She told him.

_'This is not going to end well for me!'_ Panicked Rito.

"And I'm fine with it." She informed a dumbstruck Rito. "Rito, I know firsthand that Celine's pollen makes people fall in love with you." She reminded him. "But after being sprayed with it once before, I have better control of myself this time." Yami blushed slightly and Rito was now seriously confused. "What did she drink this time, anyway?" She asked as she observed her current appearance.

Rito snapped out of his stupor. "Some home brewed cola from an exchange student." He informed her, his hands up in his defense. "He said it was better than regular cola."

Again, Yami stared at him for several seconds before relenting. "Then it's highly likely that exchange student works for Sallem." Rito looked shocked. "You really should pay better attention to these things," She scolded him mildly. "Sallem is relentless in his tactics."

"I'm really gonna have to have a word with him about this." Said Rito bitterly. "Bothering me is one thing, but Celine could have gotten seriously hurt with that stunt of his."

"I somewhat doubt that," Muttered Yami as she looked off into the distance. "Sallem always calculates every angle in great detail. It's said that the things that go through his mind could fill up three large books a day, and he's certainly published enough material to more or less prove that claim." This threw Rito for a loop. Sallem wrote books! "Celine was probably safer during any portion of a plan of his that involves her than she would be on a day to day basis."

"Maybe, but still-" Rito was cut off by the sound of party horns.

"Hey guys!" Exclaimed Sallem from where he'd teleported, which happened to be right behind Rito, shocking the poor boy into nearly having a heart attack. "How's it going?"

"Don't do that!" Rito shouted at him, but realized that he shouldn't be yelling around Celine while she was asleep. Much to his relief, Celine was still asleep.

"Celine is actually why I'm here." Remarked Sallem as he snatched Celine out of Rito's arms before he could notice, obviously having read Rito's expression again. "I'll be taking her home for some rest, you two enjoy your date." He taunted as he disappeared in a burst of confetti.

Staring at the space Sallem and Celine had once occupied for several seconds, Rito finally broke the silence. "It's amazing how that somehow never gets any less nerve wracking." Just then, a holographic message appeared in midair, floating above the confetti pile. On it was a simple message.

_Oh yeah. I'm that funny._

"Why do I even bother?" Sighed Rito.

_Because sentient beings will always seek to ask questions. Though I'm not entirely sure if you would qualify as such.  
_

"Did you really have to add that?" Whined Rito, half knowing what the answer would be.

_Yes, yes I did. Yo ho ho ho ho ho!_

"Just ignore him." Intervened Yami. "Rito, do you think you could come with me?" She asked as she began to walk off.

"Why?" He asked, before he remembered that she currently had one of Celine's flowers on her head, albeit one that acted differently. **Very **differently at that, as evident by her current appearance. Rito quickly complied with the request when Yami turned her hair into fists.

* * *

**With Rito and Yami**

"Hey, Yami-chan," Began Rito. "Where are we going, exactly?"

"It's a surprise," Responded Yami bluntly, still keeping her back to him as he followed. "And it's Yami."

"What?"

"Yami." Yami repeated, this time turning to meet his eyes. Rito noticed she was blushing slightly; a fact that made him very nervous, since such an expression on her face usually meant searing pain for him. "It's just Yami." She quickly turned away from him again and resumed walking, this time a bit more stiffly.

_'Well that's one thing about the pollen that hasn't changed.'_ Observed Rito. _'She's obviously in love with me, for the time being at least.'_

They walked for a while in complete silence, neither one making any effort to start a conversation. Rito out of fear, and Yami out of social awkwardness. After walking for several minutes, Yami drawing all manner of stares at her figure from almost everyone they walked past, they finally arrived at the destination she'd been headed to when she first set out.

"Yami-ch... Err, Yami," Rito fumbled. "Why did you bring us to the community center?"

"I've been coming here every night for two weeks..." She paused. "To learn how to cook."

That was understandable to Rito. He knew she wanted to learn how to cook, and since Mikan had refused to teach her when she can asking, and Rito wasn't much of a teacher, it was only natural that she'd seek help elsewhere. "But why did you bring me with you?"

Yami quickly turned away, but not before Rito noticed the blush that had managed to creep back onto her face. "I... wanted someone to try my cooking."

"Er, alright then." Replied Rito, not certain how to deal with Yami when she acted like this. He was used to her keeping her emotions locked up or hitting him, and even though they were still very subtle, he could tell she was acting out of character. _'Maybe this is just how she shows that she likes someone. She obviously doesn't have experience in these sort of things, and she did act like this the last time she got hit with Celine's pollen.'_

"Let's go inside now." Yami interrupted his thoughts as she went inside, pulling him along with her hair.

* * *

**Inside The Community Center**

"Hey Yami," Rito began as he struggled to get out of her hair grip. "Do you think you could put me down?"

"Put you down?" Yami wondered aloud as she turned around, mild shock on her features when she saw him in her hair. She quickly dropped him. "I'm sorry. I didn't try to do that."

"You didn't?" Wondered Rito as he rubbed his sore rear, before he was wrapped up from head to toe by her hair.

"Eh! No, no. Stop, stop!" Yami floundered slightly, managing to get her hair to let go of him.

Rito was gasping for air as soon as he was free. "What was that all about?" He wheezed.

"Sorry," Yami paused to think. "It must be the flower."

"What was in that cola, anyway?" Wondered Rito as he stood up.

Just then, another hologram appeared in front of both of them.

_Don't bother with that. Just get on with the date. You're on a deadline._

"Are you going to keep following us around?" Voiced Yami.

_If I deem it necessary, then yes. Otherwise I'll just watch a recording of it later._

"Just leave it Yami." Sighed Rito tiredly. "He's never going to listen to anyone but himself, and he can backup anything he says."

_Smart boy. Learn good. Ook, ook._

"I've learned to just ignore stuff like this." Rito walked off, Yami trailing shortly behind.

_He's getting too used to this. I need to reevaluate my strategies._ The hologram signed off silently, it's last message unread.

* * *

**Community Center - Kitchen**

_'This is not how I planned to spend my night.'_ Thought Rito as Yami took him to her cooking station. Everyone here already knew her rather well, so to say they were surprised to see her in her current condition was an understatement. But after she'd lied and said that she was the younger Yami's older sister, they quickly let it go (though the men did still stare at Yami with obvious intentions, and at Rito with bitter envy). The fact that she'd referred to him as her boyfriend when some brave perverted soul asked if she had one did little to help. _'She says that she's in control, yet she's fine with calling me her boyfriend when it suits her needs.'_

"Here." Said Yami as she handed him a white apron. "The things they cook here can get rather messy."

"Okay." Replied Rito as he began putting it on. While doing so, he noticed that Yami was using her hair hands to tie her apron as she washed her regular hands. He also noticed that no one seemed to find this the least bit strange, leading him to conclude that it was likely a regular occurrence for Yami to use her powers here, and everyone just took it as some weird genetic trait. _'Why is it that everyone except me seems to readily accept all the aliens that keep coming to this planet? Is everyone on the planet weird, or is it just me?'_ Rito wasn't entirely sure if he really wanted an answer to that question.

"Alright everyone!" Began the instructor enthusiastically. "Eyes off Yami and and her boyfriend and on me." Rito blushed. "Today we're going to be making burgers, I hope you've all brought your ingredients." At this, everyone brought out bags of paper and plastic, each containing the various ingredients for the various burgers everyone hoped to make.

"Have you had that on you this whole time?" Asked Rito as he noticed Yami placing a plastic bag on the counter.

"Yes." She replied monotonously. "An assassin must be able to conceal items on their person from time to time. It's become something of a habit for me."

Rito was tempted to ask why she would have the need to hide anything, or where she could hide it in the first place, since she could just transform any part of herself into a weapon if need be, and her outfit wasn't exactly fit for concealing anything. But a better question occurred to him when she pulled out a knife and started cutting everything that needed cutting for the burgers. "Hey, Yami," She paused in her cutting and turned to him. "Why are you using a regular knife instead of your transformation power? I'd be much easier for you to cut it like that, wouldn't it?"

"I prefer not to use my powers for cooking," Yami explained. "The food gets into my hair and nails, and my hair can get into the food."

"Oh, that would explain it." Chuckled Rito as he scratched the back of his head. "So do you need my help with anything?"

"Listen to the instructor, I don't know how to cook this dish yet."

"I suppose that's why you're here in the first place, isn't it?" Said Rito as he washed his hands and got to work.

But, since Sallem wasn't there to scare the terrorist ghost into submission, there were a few... accidents.

* * *

**"Accidents" (This is where it gets good)**

**Accident No. 1**

**Naughty Tentacles**

**_It's every bit as wrong as it sounds, but it could be better._  
**

"So, Yami, what kind of burgers are you planning to make?" Asked Rito, trying to break the uncomfortable silence that had set between them since they'd started.

"I've brought beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and buns," Yami listed as she started making the patties. "I was hoping to get all the essential food groups in one dish, making it more convenient for me to make a quick meal."

"That's a good plan." Commented Rito as he tore the lettuce. "But just make sure you cook the beef through and don't use too much. Meat has a lot of fat and can make you sick if it's not prepared properly, not to mention that too much fat isn't good for anyone."

Yami looked emotionless at the meat in her hands, and quickly removed a good chunk of meat from the rather large patty she'd made. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Uh, Yami?"

"Yes, Rito Yuuki?" She asked as she inclined her head his way, abruptly turning his way completely when she saw him tangled and struggling in her hair again.

"Do you think you could put me down?" He asked fretfully.

Yami tried to will her hair into going back to normal, but found that she could not. Realizing that her normal way of doing things wouldn't work, she decided to take a more hands on approach to the situation. After putting down the meat she'd been working with, and washing her hands so as not to get her hair greasy, she managed to turn her normal hands into large metal ones, and tried to pull her hair off of Rito manually.

But that proved to be disastrous. Because no sooner than she got a firm grip on her hair, did her hair decide to coil itself around her as well, effectively entwining them both in a writhing heap on the ground.

"Y-Y-Y-Yami!" Rito panicked as his right hand landed on her breast, his left on her rear, and his left leg found its way in between her legs.

"I. Hate. Ecchi." Yami strained as her face turned red, and she found her left hand between Rito's legs. She struggled frantically to get out of her hair and beat Rito, but only managed to make things worse.

By the time they got untangled: Yami was red from head to toe. Rito had three new lumps on his head, a black eye, and swollen lips, all of which would disappear by the next scene. Both had gotten more acquainted with each others body than they'd ever been before, though no sex or nudity _(this time)_. And every straight man in the room (it's a community cooking class, there are bound to be a few gays) with some manner of camera had struck 'dirty gold'... Before all of said 'dirty gold' was smashed to pieces by an irate Yami.

**Accident No. 2**

**There's A Hobo In The Room**

**_It's not really a hobo. Hobos have standards, dignity, make good drinking buddies, and are always good for a story around a good old-fashioned trashcan fire._**

"Never. Do that. Again." Seethed a recovering Yami.

"But I didn't do anything." Sighed a recovered Rito, silently enough for Yami not to hear him. He knew from painful experience that women, or at least the ones that surrounded him, scarcely acted rationally. _'I already have feelings an airhead alien princess, a flirty and muscular alien doctor, and Haruna. And Sallem is trying to set me up with Yami too? Isn't my life troubled enough already?'_ As Rito tried to process the problems in his life, he suddenly heard a faint yelling, that quickly grew louder and louder. Just as he realized that the noise was coming from outside, something suddenly shattered the window and broke a nearby table. The cause of which was...

"Owwie, that loli pink haired girl with the combat gloves and her bandaged albino friend with the claws sure pack a punch." Chuckled the heavily injured, but unfortunately still conscious Principal perversely. "Now where did I land?" He wondered as he looked around.

Panicking, Rito swiftly grabbed Yami and pinned her to the floor, not wanting The Principal to see her in her current condition.

"Rito Yuuki." Seethed an angry and red faced Yami.

"Shh, be quiet!" Hissed Rito. "We can't let The Principal see you like this. Who knows what he would do?"

"I'm perfectly capable of handling myself around that thing." She said disdainfully as her face got redder.

"Under normal circumstances, yes. But that flower is messing with your powers, remember?" He explained quietly. "For all we know your powers would make everything worse right now."

Yami went wide eyed, as if struck with epiphany. She hadn't thought about it that way, and had to admit that what Rito said was completely possible. If she had tried to use her powers on that monster and they had backfired on her... Well, she really didn't want to think about it. She was very grateful Rito had thought about that before she had to act.

"I'm going to check and see if he's gone, alright?" Rito whispered in her ear, making her skin tingle. Yami silently nodded as her face turned a darker shade of red. Peeking above the counter, Rito saw most of the class in shock, some damaged and scattered items here and there, and Karasuba holding a badly cut up Principal by his collar.

"Damage control." Karasuba explained once she noticed Rito. "Benitsubasa and Haihane pummeled him in here, I'm pummeling him out." With a malicious grin, she violently hurled The Principal out of a window, giving him more scratches from the glass. "Am I ever glad this room is on the fifth floor. Beating that guy within an inch of his life never gets old." She said contently as she cut a hole in the wall and jumped out from rooftop to rooftop.

"It's scary that I'm getting used to this kind of stuff." Rito remarked almost immediately once she was gone. "He's gone now Ya...mi..." His train of thought ground to a halt once her saw where both his hands were (If you don't know where they obviously are by now, you clearly haven't been paying enough attention to this story, or even the original series thus far).

"Rito Yuuki." Growled Yami as she pushed Rito, and more importantly his hands, off of her. "You're lucky I'm hesitant to use my powers right now."

"Thank you." Mumbled Rito from his face down position on the ground.

**Accident No. 3**

**The Noodle Incident**

_**Umm, it's a Noodle Incident. Which basically means that you're just gonna have to take my word for it and that it's really bad. If you've ever read Calvin and Hobbes or have ever been on TV Tropes then you should know all about this. Just know that this problem doesn't really involve noodles in any way. It actually involves, but is not limited to; teapots, second-degree burns, accidental groping (but then again, what **_**doesn't**_** in this series) and a random Emu that somehow found its way into the classroom. I suspect Sallem may have had a hand in that last bit, but what do I know? I'm just some guy Sallem hired to do some jokes with from time to time, after all. I've even read his idea for the chapter where he does commentary on the story like he did last time with me, and I'm not in it this time! Nope. He plans on doing that routine with some guy called Misogi Kumagawa from a manga called Medaka Box this time. But I'm gonna let you all in on a little secret. It's not gonna happen the way he wants it to if I have anything to say about it, which, fortunately for all you lucky readers out there, I do. Deadpool, out!**_

* * *

**Outside - After the Class**

"That was... interesting." Remarked Rito, his left arm in a bandage for his burns. "Even with how much you read, I still have a hard time believing you knew how to lure that Emu away from the classroom. How much **do** you read anyway?"

Yami didn't respond, her whole world still spinning from when her powers malfunctioned when the Emu feathers tickled her nose and she found out how Rito usually feels for once. Rito, much to his credit, was taking** that **particular part of their encounter much better than Yami was. It really didn't help matters that the flower fell off of her head and she returned to normal right when her hands wound up where they shouldn't have. And since she knew it was her fault this time, she couldn't bring herself to do anything. Though her over stimulation at the time may have had something to do with it as well.

"Yami, look if this is about-"

"I don't wanna talk about it!" Yami said in a frantic, red faced rush.

"Well... At least the burgers were good." Rito said in an effort to cheer her up.

"Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes." She stammered.

"Do you think you're gonna be alright?" Rito asked, starting to get really concerned.

Yami just silently nodded, and for a few minutes, there was an awkward silence between them. Neither one felt comfortable enough to let their... - What was it? Date's too strong a word. Interactions? That would work well enough. - Neither one felt comfortable enough to let their interactions for the night end on such an awkward note. But what could they do?

Surprisingly or unsurprisingly, depending on your viewpoint, Yami broke the silence first. "Rito Yuuki," Rito stiffened. "About tonight... I'd rather we never bring it up again." She said as she adamantly refused to make eye contact with him.

"Agreed." Rito said quickly.

"I guess I wasn't in control of myself as well as I thought I was." Rito could see her blush growing.

"Celine's pollen is really dangerous after all." Rito struggled to make eye contact, but was doing a poor job of it.

"And... as for all the times you've been... ecchi before," Rito tensed his body, preparing for the worst. "You've... had it more rough than I have." That threw Rito for a loop.

"What do you mean by... that?" Rito trailed off as he suddenly turned to Yami, only to find that she wasn't there anymore. "What was that all about?" He asked the air.

* * *

I am **_so_** sorry that this is coming out so late, but I've been having some problems at home. Mostly it's because my parents have been messing with my medication, but they're changing it back to normal, so I should be able to get back to my normal writing streak soon enough. Look forward to it!


	9. Best Kept Secrets, Part 1

I'm trying to get my motivation for writing back... Clearly I'm not doing a very good job of it.

"One more thing!" I've recieved a few complaints in the past about how I focus a little too much on my SI character. Please note, that I am trying to get practice for my own start at writing on this site, and will therefor place some focus on characters that I create, in and effort to get better at making them. I'm not trying to make anyone upset. Also, I'm trying to make this story last as long as I can, and it's not an easy task.

"One more thing!" For those of you who haven't read the first part of this, you may want to do so. It's labeled under Rito's New Troubles Volume 1.

* * *

**School - The Next Day - After Lunch  
**

Rito wasn't the least bit happy at the moment. His reasons for this disgruntled demeanor were four-fold. One, Sallem had endangered Celine with his bizarre, twisted, and suspiciously perverse scheme. Two, he kept forcing Rito into everything he could think of to get him and Yami together. Three, he'd taken the liberty of making himself scarce ever since his date (if it could be called that) with Yami had ended. And four, everyone else had been in on the whole thing! Rito could still remember his conversation with everyone else last night.

* * *

**Flashback! Whee!**

"... And that's the whole story." Finished Rito, still stressed out from the night's events.

"Wow, so you two got pretty far, didn't you?" Teased Mikan.

"This is serious! Celine could have been seriously hurt!" Outburst Rito.

"Relax kid," Sighed Karasuba. "Sallem already had the part with Celine planned out perfectly. It's just everything else that he left up to chance." She made a passing glance at Benitsubasa and Haihane.

"Hey, don't look at us!" Defended Benitsubasa. "We just beat the crap outta the sicko and sent him flying when he tried to attack us. How were we supposed to know where he would land? I'm surprised Sallem did."

"His I.Q. is over 10,000," Reminded Haihane. "It's not surprising that he could figure that out. Though it is pretty funny that he landed right in the middle of your class." She chuckled. "I especially love the part where the Emu got drunk and started trying to peck everyone's eyes out." She doubled over laughing as the mental image reared up again.

"Why do you three love him?" Mumbled Rito.

"He's a gentleman." - Benitsubasa.

"He make me laugh." - Haihane.

"He scares me." - Karasuba.

Everyone's gaze immediately shot to Karasuba, fastest of which were her fellow Sekirei. Karasuba was afraid of someone! That was a shocker.

"It's a long story," She deadpanned. "I'm sure Rito understands how I feel to some extent."

"Yeah, the guy's a total jerk when he wants to be." Huffed Momo._ 'He's ruining everything for me.'_ She thought.

"I don't know," Said Nana pleasantly. "He pulls pranks on Momo a lot. Anyone who does that is fine in my book." She suddenly started laughing out loud.

As Momo was about to make a grab for Nana's tail to get back at her for her remark, Karasuba caught her by her wrist before she could do so.

"Don't even think about it." Karasuba glared at a now quivering Momo, her quivering being due to the blade Karasuba was now resting against her neck. "I have been very angry for the past month and a half, and the last thing I need right now is for you to start having tail sex with your sister. Understand?" Momo nodded slowly, careful not to cut herself on Karasuba's longsword. With a satisfied grin, Karasuba sheathed her blade. "I'm sorry. What is it were you saying, Rito?"

Snapping out of the trance caused by Karasuba herself, Rito fumbled over his words for a minute before getting his bearings again. When he did, he opted not to address the issue of the recent death threat against Momo, fearing for his own safety. "I'm saying that something needs to be done about Sallem." He explained, exasperated at everything that had happened that day.

"Why?" Chorused everyone, causing Rito to fall on his face.

"Why?" Exclaimed Rito in disbelief. "Sallem's causing problems all over the place! His pranks are getting worse and worse! Just yesterday he lead a herd of rhino mounted gorillas through the school!"

"I remember that." Lala giggled. "The rhinos were really fun to ride, and the monkeys all had cute red ties."

"Monkeys and gorillas are two different thing Onee-sama." Reminded Nana.

"Will you all please focus?" Pleaded Rito.

"Relax, Rito," Mikan said calmly. "Sallem had everyone's permission to do this."

"He had... permission?" Said Rito dumbly, hoping he'd heard wrong.

"That's right, Rito." Said Telly from his perch on the table. "Mister Cortez always thinks at least five steps ahead of everyone else, and he always puts safety and ethics first in all matters, though he is very mischievous."

"Then what about my safety and ethics?" Wondered Rito bitterly.

"It can't be helped." Answered Telly. "With that evil spirit still haunting you, if he doesn't properly balance making you panic, leaving you alone, and making you happy, then he won't be able to scare it into submission anymore."

"So basically, my life isn't really changing at all from how it usually is, and everybody knew about this except me?" Sighed Rito pathetically.

"Um, I'm sure that Mister Cortez will get rid of that ghost for you as soon as he can... eventually... maybe..." Telly trailed off. "He's always eager to turn more evil spirits into portraits for his mansion." He finished eagerly.

"'Evil spirits into portraits'? That sounds like something out of a video game." Said Rito uncertainly.

"Mister Cortez **does** love his video games." Thought Telly aloud.

**End Flashback**

* * *

_'I'm really beginning to think that Yui has a good point about trying to get Sallem out of the school.'_ Thought Rito as he walked back to his classroom from lunch. _'Even if he really **does** always put safety and ethics first, these pranks of his are really beginning to grate at people.'_ When he opened the door to the classroom, the first thing he did was launch himself into the nearest wall behind him with an involuntary nosebleed. The reason for this was very simple.

All the girls in the class were all kinds of sexy, buxom, mature, and were doing a striptease for the very excited boys... and The Principal, but that really went without saying.

"What's going on here!" Exploded Rito.

"Sallem, that's what!" Exploded Yui as she stormed toward the door, dragging Sallem along by his collar, not that he seemed to be bothering to put up any struggle. "What did you do to all the girls!" She demanded as she turned his face to the striptease.

Quirking an eyebrow, twitching an ear, and drooping his tail in annoyance at the sexy scene before him, his response was simple. "I didn't do anything." He denied bluntly, receiving a punch to the head from Yui for saying such, though it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest. If anything, Yui actually hurt her hand with that punch.

"Don't try to deny it! Only you and Lala are capable of causing something like this! And Lala's too innocent to try something like this!" Yui exploded, her fist throbbing in pain.

"But I didn't do it." Repeated Sallem.

"Alright then," Seethed Yui. "If you didn't do this, then how do you explain it? You're the super genius, after all."

"So that's what happened." Said Sallem casually as he looked in his book bag, completely ignoring Yui.

"Don't ignore me!" Shouted Yui as she picked him up and shook him by his collar, though again, it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest. "What do you mean 'So that's what happened'? You'd better have some way to fix this!"

"If you'd stop shaking me for a moment I could do something." Sallem said evenly, even though he was being shaken like a rag doll.

"Then explain what's going on and fix this!" Yui demanded as she dropped him on his ass, once more, he wasn't bothered.

"It's very simple, really," Sallem began as he made himself comfortable. "I've been working on a formula to make a woman sexy instantly-"

"So you admit that you did this!" Declared Yui, cutting off Sallem.

"In the hopes that I could market it for big bucks." Sallem continued, undeterred. "Unfortunately, there are still a few bugs to work out. Like how to keep the women that use it from getting the uncontrollable urge to strip in the most sensual way possible-"

"What kinda side-effect is that?" Asked Rito in disbelief, again cutting Sallem off.

"I've been bringing it to school to work on it in my free time, and somebody got their hands on it." Sallem finished, undeterred from the second interjection.

"Even if someone got their hands on it, how would they know what it does?" Asked Yui skeptically.

"I can think of only one person who would have that information and would want to do this." Sallem remarked bitterly as he pulled up the leg of his pants and opened up his leg at the knee.

"What is that?" Panicked Yui as she jumped against the same wall Rito had launched himself to.

"I'm a cyborg." Remarked Sallem, mildly annoyed. "Wasn't that obvious by my elbows and neck?" He asked as he took aim with his opened leg at a spot on the ceiling of the class. "They'll still remember everything that happened to them while under the influence of the formula, unfortunately for the manhood of the rest of the class... and The Principal, but no one really gives a shit about what happens to him. But a single noise of approximately 180 Decibels or more will snap them out of it and return their bodies to normal... And quite possibly cause inner ear damage, I'm not all that picky." He shrugged as he fired a rocket out of his leg at the ceiling of the class; demolishing the ceiling, setting off the sprinklers, and causing everyone in the room to run out in a panic.

"What was that for, Sallem!" Demanded one boy.

"Yeah, we were enjoying the once in a lifetime view!" Exploded Saruyama.

"Sallem! This is outrageous! I'll have you expelled for ruining my real life fantasy!" Exploded The Principal in a once in a lifetime bit of at least semi-responsible attitude. This highly unexpected bout of responsibility drew stares and slight respect from every boy in the hallway and Yui, as the rest of the girls were too busy panicking to get their clothes back on. "And for having those rhinos and gorillas use my office as a toilet two days ago!" With this, any and all respect for The Principal instantly vanished, some even broke out in laughter, Sallem among those laughing.

As the men continued their rant at an uncaring Sallem, they failed to notice all the girls had finally gotten their clothes back on, and were not happy about having had their bodies be changed and go on display for a bunch of shameless, hormonal, teenage boys and The Principal.

After all the members of the male sex in the hallway aside from a cowering Rito, a bored Sallem, and a chuckling Neuro who had shown up just as the girls were getting started with their revenge were thoroughly beaten, bloody, unconscious, and lacking any form of photographic equipment that wasn't broken into several pieces, they turned their fire and hate filled eyes to Sallem.

"Now you get yours, prankster." Growled Risa, who had apparently taken up a leadership role of the angry mob of girls.

"For the record, I would like to state that he's the one responsible for all this." Remarked Sallem calmly as he jerked his thumb over to the doorway, where a miffed looking, abnormally lanky, mildly burnt man with short spiky white hair and a pinstripe suit was standing. But the most striking feature of this man were the pointed wolf ears on the top of his head and his bushy white tail. "Ladies, Rito, and Neuro, it is my great displeasure to introduce the man who was hiding in the ceiling panels and spraying you all with the source of your horny mood swing, body alterations, and eventual maidenly fury," He paused to point out the spray bottle loosely grasped in the charred man's hand. "One of my four clones gone horribly wrong, Victor Cortez."

There was a brief silence before anyone spoke again. "Your... Clone?" Asked Risa disbelievingly as she glared at Victor. "He doesn't look much like you."

"Like I said, something went horribly wrong." Groaned Sallem as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "To make a long story short, my **ex-**lab assistant placed a decimal one spot too far to the right, and now I'm stuck with this super pervert and three other annoyances."

"Aw, come on Sallem," Whined Victor teasingly. "We're like brothers. After all we've been through, after all the "vacations" we took together, after all the jams we've gotten each other out of, you still call me annoying? I'm hurting inside."

"Yeah, and soon you'll be hurting on the outside too." Grinned Sallem as he glanced at the angry mob behind his clone.

A puzzled expression on Victor's face soon gave way to one of painful realization as he heard the growling of several furious girls behind him. "Hey Sallem, do you think you could help a brother out here?" Victor gulped as one of the furious girls grabbed him by his shoulder.

Smirking as Victor was pulled away, Sallem replied. "Not a chance."

* * *

**During The Beating of Victor Cortez (This part is largely filled with non-canon characters)  
**

"This is quite entertaining." Observed Neuro pleasantly. "I must admit that your clone is rather durable to be able to take such a beating so casually. He might actually make a good slave." He remarked as he began thinking about the best way to go about forcing the pervert into slavery, and of the possible benefits to having such a slave.

"S-S-Slave?" Parroted Yui in shock. "Why on earth would you need a slave?"

But Neuro was too busy contemplating possible ways to enslave, use, and torture Victor to hear her.

"That reminds me," Said Rito as he recalled what Yami had said to him last night. "Yami told me that you're probably working for Sallem." That managed to get Neuro's attention, and judging by the vibe Neuro was giving off, Rito was pretty sure that wasn't a good thing.

"What?" Demanded Yui, surprisingly fearless of Neuro. "**You're **working for** him**! If that's the case then I'll have to report you to The Princi... er, better make that the school board, and have some proper manners and respect drilled into your head." She amended as she finally realized that, not only was The Principal the last person she could count on to be anything akin to responsible, but that anyone connected to Sallem in any way had to be reported to someone very high up on the ladder.

**"Let me set something perfectly straight _human_."** Neuro said in a tone that made Rito and Yui both shiver in fear. **"I do not now, nor have I ever cooperated with that canine in any way that would position my authority below his. If you must know, we have a system worked out where I do minor tasks for him and he pays me a commission for my assistance. If anything, I'm the one with the higher position, as is always the case for me."**

"You keep telling yourself that, birdbrain," Remarked Sallem as he casually took a sip from a cup of tea that seemed to appear out of nowhere. "And maybe someday people will actually believe you."

**"You seem to think yourself greater than me, _canine_."** Remarked Neuro edgily as his hand turned into some weird looking claw, much to the shock of Rito and Yui. **"I don't suppose you have any proof that can support that great claim of yours?"** He asked sarcastically as he held his claw around Sallem's head menacingly.

"As a matter of fact I do." Remarked Sallem, who had suddenly vanished from Neuro's claws and appeared behind him, much to Neuro's ire, as he would continue to take swipes at him, all of which Sallem would casually dance around. "I'm rich, I live a comfortable life of leisure, I can obtain glorious food whenever I desire, I run a massive galactic-wide company, and I have two wives who love me, and one more I'm still working on. And what do you have? The clothes on your back and a few diamond I've given you, you occasionally have to go hunting for food when times are hard, you have a small office and a can strong arm one company that only holds influence on one planet to do whatever you want, and you only have three people you so affectionately call Slave #1, Slave #2, and your secretary, and one of those three is just a corpse in a wall that can only communicate through a bit of braided hair, and most of those things aren't even on this Earth. Face it Neuro, for all your inhuman power, when on planets like this one, you have to play by certain rules of unimaginable complexity if you want to accomplish anything. You may have a great deal of skill at that, but I have quite a bit more." Sallem was finally shut up by a fist to the face that sent him flying into the classroom.

**"I must admit, canine, you're far more durable than you look."** Admitted Neuro as he walked into the classroom. **"By most accounts, you should be dead. A blow with that kind of force can put holes in steel. Though I suppose steel is akin to cardboard compared to your modifications."**

"Neuro, you insult cardboard." Mocked Sallem as he suddenly appeared behind Rito and Yui and painfully shoved them halfway into the classroom. "Don't you remember that cardboard obsessed wacko back on the Earth you're used to?"

"Of course I do," Remarked Neuro as he casually handcuffed Yui and sat on her like a chair, her protests falling on deaf ears. "I merely wished to see the extent to which you know of the details of my recent life, and I must say that I don't feel quite comfortable with how much you obviously know."

"You insult me Neuro," Said Sallem in a mock hurt tone as he whipped Rito at him like how a teacher uses a ruler to frighten a student. "The very idea that I would settle for anything less than an absolute report about anyone I use, investigate, or prank, it's just plain humiliating that you think so poorly of me."

"Now you insult me," Remarked Neuro as he jumped up to and reclined on the ceiling, Yui's head trapped between that and Neuro's heel as she struggled to get free. "I am not someone for you to use at your leisure, nor am I someone you could pull one of your juvenile tricks on."

"'Juvenile tricks'?" Parroted a genuinely offended Sallem, throwing Rito face-first at Neuro, who caught him rather painfully in his claws. "I suppose you think hacking every laser satellites in orbit and using them to carve the an image of a huge middle finger, and the words 'Eat at Joe's' into the Australasian outback, which not only places my mark on this world until some politicians find the time, motivation, and money to fix it - in other words, never - but also essentially giving a huge middle finger to this world and all those who visit it, forcing the dismantling of all those highly expensive space lasers, and completely shaming and discrediting all nations that put a space laser into orbit is juvenile?"

At the end of that rant, Neuro scowled, dropped both of his captives onto the floor with a painful sounding thud, and casually dropped to the floor himself. "You win this round, canine." Growled Neuro.

"Yes, yes I do." Taunted Sallem before flicking something at blinding speeds at Neuro, who caught it with his eyelashes. "Now take that diamond at take off your disguise for a second. I wanna see how those two react to it." He ordered as he gestured for Xylophone Tiki, who had been recording the whole thing, to get a good shot at Rito and Yui.

"Well, if you insist." Smiled Neuro as he inspected the diamond he'd just been given. "But how can you be assured that no one else will come in? You'd have quite a bit of explaining to do then."

"You don't need to worry about that." Chuckled Sallem. "Victor is so durable and resistant to damage, those girls are going to get tired well before he suffers even the slightest injury for them to be satisfied with. Though unfortunately for him he still feels pain as much as anybody else."

"Fair enough." Remarked Neuro as he turned his attention to a recovering Rito and Yui. Grinning evilly, his head shifted from his usual babe magnet face to one that resembled that of a mutated parrot with horns.

"WHAT IS THAT THING?" Screeched Yui fearfully as she hid behind Rito.

Rito on the other hand just regarded the demon before him with calm indifference.

Neuro quirked an eyebrow at Rito's unwavering expression, a normally mundane movement made unusual by the odd shape of his head. "How interesting," Remarked Neuro as he changed his head back to the shape everyone was used to. "Usually people quake in fear when they witness any measure of my true nature, but you don't seemed fazed in the least. I can't help but wonder what manner of environment could have caused such a calm demeanor."

"Ask him." Replied Rito as he pointed at Sallem.

"Hey, I've only known you for a month and a half," Defended Sallem. "If anything, Lala, her family, and other aliens are the people who've been causing the vast majority of the mental trauma you've experienced these past few years. Speaking of which, where the hell is Lala, anyway?"

* * *

**The Teacher's Lounge (This part has almost nothing but canon characters)**

"Thank you again for helping me grade these papers you two." Said Honekawa-sensei. "I would have taken me much longer without your help."

"Anytime Honekawa-sensei," Replied Haruna with a small bow. "I'm class representative, so I know I have to do things like this from time to time."

"Well, you two should head off to class now. I still have a few things to take care of here, so I'll be a little late."

"Okay sensei." Replied Lala with the usual enthusiasm she put into everything. "Let's hurry up Haruna." She said as she pushed her friend out of the room in a hurry.

"Lala, what are you doing?" Questioned Haruna once they began walking down the hallway. "Sensei isn't going to get back to class before we are."

"I know that," Said Lala. "But I just wanted to talk to you about something."

Haruna sighed, she knew what Lala wanted to talk about. She rarely brought up anything else in conversation with her as of late, after all. "Lala, you know what I think about that idea. I just don't feel right about polygamy." She knew exactly how this conversation would play out, they'd already had it at least a dozen times before, after all.

"But why?" Asked Lala, as she had every other time they had this conversation.

"I've told you before, it's how I was raised." Haruna responded just as she had every time before this.

"But why were you raised like that?" Asked Lala again, in an effort to get to the root of the problem and uproot it completely.

"It's just a standard of society. The people that came before me built this nation on these customs, and I don't feel comfortable breaking away from them." Haruna answered as she had many times before.

At the mention of history, which was unchangeable, Lala usually got stuck, just as she had every time before. It was at this time that Haruna usually managed to change the subject to something she was more comfortable talking about, but this time, Lala had spent most of last night coming up with a counter to that response. "But if they made things that way themselves, doesn't that mean they changed the way things used to be?"

Haruna froze at that. She honestly hadn't been expecting Lala to come up with a counter to that, and a fairly good one at that. Though she supposed she should have expected Lala to come up with a response eventually, since they had this conversation on a very regular basis. "Well... yes I guess they did change things from how they use to be." She admitted. "But... that doesn't mean that I'm willing to change my ways."

"Come on, Haruna~!" Whined Lala. "If we do it this way then we can both have Rito."

Haruna turned as red as a tomato at Lala's words. It wasn't as if Lala hadn't mentioned the idea of both of them getting together with Rito before. It was actually the first argument she'd come up with in favor of the idea, and she'd mentioned it several times before, though it hadn't come up in awhile. Bringing it up after so long, coupled with the decent argument she'd just made, just sent her reeling. Before she could even try to come up with a counter however, they rounded a corner and ran into someone she could have gone without seeing for awhile. And when I say 'ran into someone' I literally mean 'ran into someone'.

"Hello girls, nice to see you again." Greeted Ryouko as Haruna and Lala found themselves face first in her breasts.

"H-H-H-Hello Mikado-sensei!" Panicked a blushing Haruna as she and Lala removed themselves from Ryouko's cleavage. "I'm sorry I walked into you. I wasn't looking where I was going." She explained as she walked away stiffly, dragging Lala with her.

"It's alright, Haruna. No harm done." Said Ryouko as she began following them. "It's not like things like this won't be a common occurrence once we're sister-wives, after all."

"S-S-S-S-Sister-wives?" Panicked Haruna, her blush turning even darker and her movements getting stiffer. "Would you **please** not say things like that?"

"Why should I stop?" Ryouko asked mischievously. "We both love Rito, and he doesn't seem opposed to the idea."

"You don't know that." Said Haruna before she knew what she was saying. "From what I've seen, he doesn't want anything like that."

"Hm, that's odd." Hummed Ryouko thoughtfully. "I could have sworn I told him to..." As she trailed off, Ryouko's eyes twinkled in realization. "So that's it. Lala, aside from pranks, what has Sallem been doing these past few weeks?"

"Playing matchmaker for Rito and Yami." The young Devilukian princess replied cheerfully.

"What?" Haruna gasped in disbelief, all color draining from her face.

"That would explain it." Nodded Ryouko. "Setting Rito up with me, and then Yami. That dog really has no self-control at all."

"With you... then Yami..." Haruna felt as if someone was twisting her whole world upside-down and inside-out. "But, what about... about..." She couldn't even begin to find the right words to summarize what was going on.

"Monogamy? Polygamy?" Guessed Ryouko. "It really makes no real difference to me, just so long as I'm with Rito." Her face took on a much more mischievous expression. "And given his confession to me just a few weeks ago, it look like I'm going to get my wish."

"C-C-C-C-Confession!" Stammered Haruna fearfully, her fears about Rito not returning her feelings confirmed, or at least in her own eyes.

Lala, noticing the sorrow in her friend's eyes, took the initiative to cheer her up. "D-Don't worry about that Haruna. Rito confessed to me too, so I know that he's... Oops." Lala realized her mistake too late.

"He... confessed to both of you?" Haruna said on auto-pilot, as the majority of her brainpower was going to processing what she'd just heard.

Ryouko sighed. She knew Haruna would have trouble accepting the fact that Rito was a closet polygamist, the man himself certainly was. Carefully picking the young girl up with the ease granted by her immense muscles, she brought her to eye level. "Haruna, I can just tell that on some level, Rito is as much in favor of a harem as he is against it. He loves me, yes. He loves Lala, yes. And I know it isn't really my place to say this, but if things go on like this, Rito will already have a full harem by the time he gets around to it, so I'll just have to tell you myself." She cast a glace to Lala, silently informing her of her plan.

Just as Lala figured out what Ryouko was planning and made a move to stop her, it was already too late.

"Rito love you Haruna."

* * *

**_Finally done!_** It was absolute hell writing this up, but I finally managed to get down to it. The reason how?

I have a job.

I know most people have less time to write when they have a job, but for some reason, having a job makes writing so much easier for me. I'll get the next chapter out ASAP.

"One more thing!" I've changed the number of installments I plan to put in this series a number of times. First it was five, then four, then three, then back to four, now I'm going back to three. This series is taking too long, and I have other things I wanna do with my time on this site. I hope no one feels cheated.


	10. Best Kept Secrets, Part 2

I'm working! At my job, and on my stories! I will now get this story underway!

* * *

**With Haruna, Lala, and Ryouko**

Haruna was in shock. That was the only way to put it. First, Lala and Ryouko had both tried to convince her that being in a harem with Rito was a good idea. That was strange in and of itself, but everything that happened after that was a whirlwind of jaw-dropping chaos of the mouth.

Lala told Ryouko that Sallem was setting Rito up with Yami. Ryouko told her that Rito had confessed to her. Lala let slip that Rito confessed to her. Ryouko told her that Rito loved her too. If some told her right at that moment that a bunch of monkeys with typewriters were the real writers of all of Shakespeare's work, she'd probably believe them.

"Ryouko, why did you tell her that?" Exclaimed Lala angrily. "Rito was supposed to tell her that on his own! It was supposed to be special for both of them! How could you be so cruel?"

"I know he wanted to tell her on his own, but I have my reasons for doing this." Insisted Ryouko as she set Haruna down.

"What reasons could be good enough to ruin such a special moment?" Asked Lala, still bitter.

"Because if I let things develop on their own, Sallem would have probably kept setting Rito up with so many girls, Haruna wouldn't have stood a chance." Explained Ryouko.

Lala's expression quickly changed from one of anger to one of embarrassed realization. She had to admit that, for all her history of a good friendship with Sallem, he would probably do something like that in a heartbeat if he got the chance, even if she would be upset by it.

"Plus I was getting impatient," Ryouko added. "After being trapped on that exercise machine of yours for five days straight, I may have gained a mountain of muscle, but I've lost the virtue of patience."

"You were just tired of waiting?" Exploded Lala. "That's so childish!"

_'Says the girl who's probably the most childish person I've ever met.' _Thought Ryouko.

"Rito... Loves me?" Asked Haruna, who finally snapped out of her trance. "How... How could you know that?"

"I figured it out a long time ago." Ryouko explained. "Though I made sure to confirm it with Rito when he stayed overnight at my place a few weeks ago."

"Overnight?" Squeaked Haruna. "As in... Sleeping in the same house as you?"

"Not just in the same house." Said Ryouko with a mischievous glint in her eye. "We slept in the same bed while I was next to naked." She sighed sensually as she held herself.

Haruna didn't think her face could get any hotter or more red. Rito love multiple women, herself among them. All the women she knew but didn't want to admit he loved returned his feelings and all of them save herself were totally fine with being in a harem. And to top it all off, Rito had slept in the same bed as a next to nude Ryouko. It was official, her brain was completely on overload.

"Hey, what going on?" Asked Lala as she pointed to a large crowd of girls outside their classroom.

"It looks and sounds like they're beating someone up." Realized Ryouko as she easily parted the crowd of angry girls, their cries of protest falling on deaf ears. When she saw who they were beating up, her expression twinkled in recognition. "Well look at what the cat dragged in. Exactly what did you do to make these girls so mad at you this time?"

"Hello... to you too... Ryouko-chan..." Groaned Victor from his position on the ground. "Yo ho ho ho ho... I can see your panties from here." He chuckled perversely, only for Ryouko to stomp his face into the floor with a satisfying crack.

"Let me set something straight," Ryouko began angrily as she picked up Victor and held him at eye-level. "I may like to flaunt my body for the world to see, but as of about two weeks ago, my underwear is for Rito's eyes only. Get it?" She growled as she tightened her grip on Victor's neck, all females present except for Lala reeling in shock from her declaration.

"Got it... Ryouko-chan." Said Victor weakly, his nosebleed due more to arousal than any form of injury.

"Good." Said Ryouko as she threw Victor head first into the ceiling. "I'll be seeing you two around later." She said with a wink to Lala and Haruna before walking off.

"What just happened?" Wondered Haruna once she found her voice and she and Lala walked up to the site of the incident.

Suddenly, as if on cue, Victor fell out of the ceiling. "Orooo~." He said groggily as stars and scantily clad women danced around his head. Getting his bearings straight, he stayed on the floor and secretly looked around to enjoy the view of many panties, until he stopped at one pair. "Wait a second... I'd recognize that crotch anywhere." Saying this proved to be his own undoing.

"Pervert!" Shouted all the girls as one as they resumed stomping on Victor. During the beating, many other biting remarks were flung. "Disgusting", "You were peeping the whole time", and "Enemy of all women" being among the top of the list.

Once the girls were satisfied with their work and stormed off to wherever, apparently forgetting that they had class to attend, Victor got his wits about him again. Turning his gaze to where it had been previously, he grinned perversely. "Hello, Lala. Long time no see cutie." He said as he used his long arms to reach around and make a grab for Lala's butt.

But before he could reach her ass, two bat-like wings shot out of Peke and stabbed Victor in his hands. "I see you still haven't learned your lesson about boundaries, Victor." The costume robot remarked coldly.

"Never have, never will." Grinned Victor through the pain in his hands.

"Victor!" Scolded Lala. "I can't believe you! You're still as nasty as ever."

"Yo ho ho ho ho ho, and you're still as cute as ever when you pout like that." Victor grinned as he stood up, his extreme and lanky full height of 9 feet easily towering over Lala and Haruna. "I just wanna grab you so much." He said as his fingers moved in a disturbing typing pattern menacingly, frightening Haruna, and angering Lala and Peke.

"Don't you have your own assortment of willing whores, sluts, prostitutes, and bizarre walking fetishes to annoy?" Questioned Sallem as he jerked Victor down to eye level by his hair.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Panicked Victor. "Will you stop doing that?"

"Not a chance." Remarked Sallem before he casually threw Victor head first into the ceiling again. "Sorry if my clone was annoying, disturbing, and/or scaring you. I try to keep him locked up and satisfied with porn mags, dirty movies, nasty internet porn, and any women that are willing to do it with him for whatever twisted reason can be found, but he gets out sometimes."

"Your... clone?" Wondered Haruna as she glanced at the abnormally tall body hanging out of a second hole in the ceiling.

"Yeeeeaaah, someone crunched the numbers wrong. Don't ask questions and I won't pull any horrible pranks on you... For this at least." Amended Sallem. "I'd have to say that making four clones of myself was more or less the biggest failure and mistake of my entire life."

"You can say that again." Huffed Lala. "Maverick still scares me whenever I think about him." Lala visibly shivered after she said this, obviously recalling something traumatic.

"I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say that Maverick's scary," Said Sallem as he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "He's really mellowed out since he got married."

"Maverick got married?" Shivered Lala as she tried and failed not to imagine what kind of woman would marry someone like him.

"Yeah. Nice gal too, once the two of them disturbed each other enough to scare the evil and insanity right out of each other." Sallem elaborated.

"'Scare the evil and insanity out of each other'?" Quoted Haruna nervously. _'What could be bad enough to scare people to sanity?'_

"Yeah, apparently they each did a project to compete with each other and see who was eviler." Began Sallem. "Each project on their own wouldn't have caused more than a few thousand square kilometers of destruction, but together they caused a massive outbreak of; monsters, zombies, massive natural disasters, malevolent robot overlords, rapid global warming, and obesity, effectively destroying the entire planet within the span of just one day."

Haruna and Peke shivered at the unimaginable horror of what Sallem had just described, while Lala was the only one to manage a response. "That's awful! Why did they do that?" She huffed.

"They were competing to see who was eviler." Repeated Sallem easily. "And as a matter of fact, many people, mostly men, were actually very thankful for what they did. After all, it was the planet of the Twilight series that they destroyed, so they were actually doing all of existence a huge favor."

"Were the people of that planet *gulp* really evil?" Shuddered Haruna fearfully.

"No, but the most torturous book series in any universe is based on some people of the planet, so it's all good." Explained Sallem. "They even got an award for destroying it so fabulously, and even recording a great deal of it. Yo ho ho ho ho ho! Though they do occasionally complain about the swarms of literally rabid fan girls that try to kill them on a regular basis."

"That's still not right!" Huffed Lala.

_'Your dad would argue otherwise. Not to mention that I've killed a entire swarms of those fan girl beasts on a regular basis since Maverick and his wife are too reluctant to do so themselves.'_ Thought Sallem, but in light of his long held friendship with Lala, opted to keep his scathing remarks to himself for once. "Whatever, I don't really have the time or attention span to care about that right now." He said as he yanked a groaning Victor out of the ceiling and hoisted him onto his shoulder. "I've gotta get this horny lump back to his cell and put up a whole new set of traps, locks, barricades, and vicious guard beasts outside of it to make sure he stays there this time... At least until he gets bored and breaks out again. Which, if history is anything to go by, should be in about 4 months, plus an additional week for him to make it outside." Sallem added sadly. "Well, anyway, locking up this lump again will take a whole day, so I'll be playing truant again to do so." He remarked as he pulled out his remote, pressed a button, and a giant spring popped out of the floor, catapulting Sallem and Victor through a third new hole in the ceiling.

"Doesn't Sallem usually just teleport out in a flash of light?" Wondered Peke aloud. "Why would he use a giant spring?" Suddenly, as if in response to Peke's question (and knowing Sallem, it no doubt was) a letter fell out of one of the three holes in the ceiling and landed on Haruna's head. "I'll take that." Remarked Peke as she used one of her wings to grab the letter and open it.

"What does it say Peke?" Asked Lala as she tried to get a look at the letter, but since Peke is attached to her head and was reading it just out of her field of vision, Lala only succeeded in spinning around and around like a dog chasing its own tail.

"Let's see here..." Hummed Peke as she started reading aloud. "It says, _'Since we already had two holes in the ceiling, I figured making one more would do no harm.'_ That Sallem. Does he ever think about the consequences to his actions?" Wondered Peke, before curiosity got the best of her and she turned the note around, and her limited expression turned as deadpan as she could manage. "It says, _'I think about them plenty. With my I.Q. it would be impossible not to. I just don't really care.'_ I guess that's my question answered." She huffed.

"Check the other side for more." Requested Lala as she continued to spin, trying to get a look at the letter.

"There's not going to be more, Lala-sama." Explained Peke, though she did as requested anyway. "There's more!" Exclaimed Peke in shock.

"How is that possible?" Asked a baffled Haruna. From what she knew, paper only had two sides.

"Let me read it. It's porbably going to answer your question." Deadpanned Peke. "Lala-sama, could you please stop spinning around for a moment. I'm getting rather dizzy."

"What was that Peke?" Asked Lala as she teetered around, swirls of dizziness in her eyes.

"Thank you Lala-sama, I think." Said Peke awkwardly. "It says, _'I could explain it to you, but it would require a through knowledge of at least fifth-dimensional physics, and at least a rudimentary understanding of the process and complexities of multi-location teleporting to even remotely understand. Since I know that none of you posses either of these things, I won't even bother trying to explain the complexities of it all. Please ask a random question now, and I will answer it.'_ At least he told us why we wouldn't understand any of it." Remarked Peke. "But does he really think that he can predict whatever question we can come up with next? Granted, he already answered three questions in a row, but telling us to ask something at random in an effort to predict it is a little much, even for him."

"What is he planning with Yami-chan and Rito?" Haruna blurted out before she could stop herself. Part of her was already aware that Sallem would be expecting that exact question, but that being the case, she figured she may as well ask it anyway.

"Well... Let's see here then..." Said Peke as she turned the note over again. "This time it says, _'Haruna asked about Rito and Yami, didn't she? If so, then that's ten points for me.'_ Always such a wise-guy." Grumbled Peke."_'Anyway, to answer your painfully obvious questions once again, it's very simple. My plan is... absolutely none of your business. I have a right to remain silent don't I? So mind your own business and wait your turn like everybody else!'_ He truly loves having fun at the expense of others." She sighed.

Haruna sighed in disappointment. She had hopes of thwarting Sallem's plot. Even after the discovering that Rito had apparently confessed to both Lala and Ryouko, and also apparently had feelings for her (she was still having trouble believing both of them) and recalling the conversation she'd had with that pink haired girl a few weeks ago (what was her name again? Benitsubasa?) she was still set in her opinion on harems. However, she had to admit that there were distinct benefits to the idea. Everyone would be happy for one, for another, Rito might finally got some peace in his life. Oh, she was no stranger to how hard Rito had it. She knew his life wasn't exactly pleasant by any measure right now, and she was quickly becoming more and more aware of where the vast majority of his strife was coming from. Women, and to a certain extent, Sallem as well. She didn't dislike Lala, Ryouko, or Yami by any measure, but the idea of being in a harem with them was... Bad, right?

_'Oh, why did I sound so unsure of myself just now?'_ Panicked Haruna internally. _'Don't tell me I'm actually thinking about joining in on this?'_

* * *

**With Rito and Yui - A Few Minutes Ago**

_'What is going on here?'_ Panicked Yui internally. _'First, some clone of Sallem's makes all the girls in class horny. Then, Sallem and that exchange student, Neuro throw us around like rag dolls. Now, now Neuro just turned his head into that of some kind of mutated parrot, and here I am with no idea what in the world's going on. What did I ever do to deserve any of this?'_ She sobbed both internally and externally as she clung tightly to Rito.

_'What's going on here?'_ Though Rito as he tried to make sense of the situation he suddenly found himself in._ 'Sallem has a few clones that don't really look like him, though they seem to have ears and a tail like his. At least I'll know what to look out for next time I run into his clones, and knowing my luck, there will be a next time. Then there's how Yui and I were thrown around... Well, I know that Sallem's sadistic, and if I remember correctly, he said he got that habit from an old friend of his, and given what just happened, it's most likely Neuro he was talking about. Then there's the matter of Neuro having a mutated parrot head... At this point, does that kind of thing really matter anymore? I've seen plenty of shape shifting aliens before, so that much isn't too unusual, by my standards at least.'_ Rito sighed. _'Why was it that out of all the people in the world, I was the one made the haunting target of a 9/11 suicide bomber? Especially since it's been so long since the bombing, and America is so far away?'_ Part of Rito realized that the fact he was able to keep such a level head in this situation was proof that his life was far more chaotic than it had any right to be, but he'd rather not focus on that right now.

"Well, I suppose it would be best if I locked Victor back in his cell," Thought Sallem aloud, breaking Rito and Yui's lines of thought. Pausing for a moment, Sallem sniffed the air, pulled out his remote, pressed a few buttons on it to create a a piece of paper and a TV screen in the air, fast-forwarded through the contents of the recording, and began writing.

"What exactly are you doing?" Asked Neuro casually.

"Writing a note for Lala and Haruna," Responded Sallem. "I smelled them right outside, and I feel like messing with them."

"I'll never understand how you're able to predict exactly what people will say with such absolute certainty." Remarked Neuro, actually sounding somewhat impressed.

"That's because you don't understand socializing with others beyond torture, things related to crimes, and your facade of a public face." Explained Sallem. "Now under normal circumstances, I would press the fact that you just admitted to being inferior to me in some measure, but I don't have the time nor the patience right now to do so."

"And what of those two?" Asked Neuro as he pointed to a shaking Yui and a remarkably calm Rito. "I doubt that they'll keep quite about what just happened."

"That's the beauty of associating with weirdos like them." Smirked Sallem. "Their lives already have so much insanity, such as aliens and ghosts and harems, in them that something like a literal mystery eating demon straight outta hell like yourself isn't all that unusual in comparison."

"D-D-D-D-Did he just say d-d-d-d-demon?" Shuddered Yui as she hid behind Rito in fear.

Rito, in spite of his earlier calm, was completely thrown off by this new information. Rito knew Sallem well enough, and had a bizarre enough sense of normalcy, to easily accept Sallem's words as factual. Aliens, ghost, and harems were one thing, almost literally so in his case, but a demon? That was just... Okay, so Sallem admittedly did have a rather good point in saying that it wouldn't be **too** unusual in comparison to everything else that had happened to him in the past few years or so. Hell, Lala, her family, Zastin, and most likely the rest of their species as a whole were actually almost demons themselves, what with their tails, super strength, and their apparent appetites for abnormally spicy foods. Rito shuddered as he recalled some of the times the latter two caused him some serious trouble. On some level Rito was aware that the idea of being unsettled by the memory of admittedly childish problems instead of the literal demon right before him sounded ridiculous, but these were the kind of things people had to experience firsthand to get a good understanding of.

"I suppose that you have a point." Remarked Neuro, paying no heed to Yui and Rito.

"I always do." Smirked Sallem. "Speaking of which, with the girls storming off in a huff, and the boys and The Principal in comas, I think that it's safe to say that school's out for the day, so you can go off and eat your mysteries, Neuro." He remarked as he left the room to seal away Victor for the time being.

"I think that I'll do just that." Remarked Neuro as one of his hair clips pointed up in the air. "There's a mystery brewing nearby anyway, so I'll just take my leave." And with that, he jumped out the nearest window without bothering to open it.

After they were sure that Sallem and Neuro were gone, Rito and Yui slowly got up and tried to get their frayed wits about them.

"Demons." Shuddered Yui, still keeping a vice like grip on Rito's arm. "It's bad enough that aliens, ghosts, and The Principal are causing problems almost constantly, but demons too? What is this world coming to?" She whined as a few tears escaped her eyes.

Rito sighed. "I wish I knew Yui. I wish I knew."

* * *

Finally, this chapter is done. I'll be honest, I've had this chapter almost done for a few days now, but my parents dragged me on a vacation where there was limited computer access, so it was almost impossible to find time to work on this, but I'm done now, and this is my last day of vacation, so hopefully I'll be able to get back to working on a more stable basis, though I highly doubt it.

"One more thing!" To those of you who are complaining about how not all these chapters are focusing on Rito and Yami, let me remind you that this is a three part story I have planned, so I have to put a sense of continuity and a slightly more complex plot into it. And anyway, it's not like the original series focused one just one or two girls itself. It balanced several characters into the story rather nicely.


	11. Gentleman

I have problems with my own life, but I will not whine about them and hold my faithful readers accountable for them, unlike that guy who just up and stopped working on the real To Love-Ru series just because his wife left him. I refuse to be that kind of writer.

"One more thing!" I had a great deal of help from **HotelKatz** in order to make this chapter, so I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank him for his assistance.

* * *

**The Day After Victor Caused Problems - Yuuki Household  
**

"I'm back, and boy am I tired." Announced Sallem loudly as he limply shuffled back into the house from his hard work of locking Victor up. "Where are my loving wives?" He asked groggily.

"Right here, Sallem!" Exclaimed Benitsubasa excitedly as she jumped onto his back.

"And here." Sighed Haihame contentedly as she wrapped her arms around his right arm.

Sallem quirked an eyebrow as he turned his head 90 degrees to the left to get a good look at Haihane, and then he turned it another 90 degrees to the left to get a good look at Benitsubasa, while also placing his head in a position that would be extremely painful and quite possibly lethal were it not for the fact that he was a cyborg. He knew that something very weird was going on. Benitsubasa and Haihane didn't usually get along, and Benitsubasa certainly wasn't the type to not go off the handle when someone else was after her man, even if they were supposed to be partners.

Sallem quickly went over the list of obvious possibilities for such behavior. _'Is it either of their birthdays? No. Is it my birthday? No. Karasuba's birthday? No, and she tends not to celibate those anyway. Any other holiday? No. Wedding anniversary? No, we've only been married a little over a month and a half. Anniversary of the day we met? No. Anniversary of the day I winged any of them? No. Half way to any anniversary or birthday? No. The birthday of someone else living here? No.' _After running over these ideas and about fifty other idea that may explain their unusual behavior, disproving them all one by one, all in the span of exactly 1.54861 seconds (rounded up to the nearest hundred-thousandth) he opted to try the direct approach.

"Alright, I'll bite. What the hell did I miss? And did somebody record it?" Asked Sallem, who just noticed that his head was still backwards.

"You missed Yami and Rito going on a date." Explained Haihane.

Sallem's eyebrows both shot up and his head snapped back in Haihane's direction when he heard that. "They went on a date?" He asked, clearly astonished. Haihane nodded. "By their own violation?"

"Yami actually kinda forced him to go." Explained Benitsubasa. "But more or less, yeah."

Sallem stared at Benitsubasa again. "**Yami** took the initiative to drag **Rito** on a date, without me tricking or outright forcing them into it?" He asked, his voice getting louder as he did so. "Is Rito dead?"

"He's not dead," Came Karasuba's voice from the opposite direction from which his head was currently facing, prompting a still reeling Sallem to turn his head an additional 180 degrees to his left, bringing his head about full circle. "But if you ask me, he looks pretty close to it."

Staring long and hard at Karasuba, then Haihane, then Beitsubasa, then back to Karasuba, Sallem finally spoke. "At the risk of sounding redundant, what the hell did I miss, and did somebody record it?"

Smirking, Karasuba was the first to respond. "I might be convinced to tell you, on one condition."

"Riiiiiight." Retorted Sallem, smirking just as much as Karasuba (more so if you counted his missing cheek), already understanding what it would take to get her to talk, at least on her terms. Good thing he never once played on the terms of anyone but himself. "You do realize that I not only do I have rather violent and extreme ways of making you talk, but I also have some photos you may want to be kept secret."

Glaring at him, Karasuba worded her next question carefully. "Exactly what **kind** of photos are you talking about?"

"The kind of photos that only a pro could create," Answered Sallem evilly, knowing that he had Karasuba in checkmate. "The kind of photos that a woman would pay out the wazzo to keep hidden. The kind of photos that would make one person pay out two favors for." _'Come on Karasuba, you're smart enough to piece together the clues here.'_ When he saw her expression swiftly change from one of mild confusion to shocked recognition, he knew she would do anything to keep him quiet.

"You didn't. You couldn't." She hissed through gritted teeth. "You were drunk at the time. You couldn't have gotten **that** on film. Why the hell would you even **want** to get that on film, anyway?"

"What photos are you two talking about?" Questioned Benitsubasa from her position on Sallem's back. "Is there some kinda secret code here? Somebody tell me what's going on!"

"I don't know anything about a secret code," Began Haihane as she moved from Sallem's right arm to his back. "But whatever is on those photos they're talking about has gotta be pretty bad if it's making even Karasuba scared."

"Hey! Find your own spot!" Snapped Benitsubasa.

"In this order," Began Sallem snidely. "I did. I could. So what, I do some of my best work while drunk. I have cameramen, in case you've forgotten. What's so unusual about what I did? Lots of people do that... And will you two stop having a cat fight on my back? It's making it very hard for me to keep my balance when you're doing that." He finished as turned his head around again to give the two girls on his back a firm glare.

"Sorry Sallem." Muttered both Benitsubasa and Haihane as they settled in a comfortable position on his back peacefully.

By this point, Karasuba was trembling with barely restrained rage. "I will get you for this, someday." She finally seethed.

"But, not someday soon." Remarked Sallem bluntly. "Now, tell me what I wanna know."

Sending him one last resentful glare, she finally relented. "Go talk to Kalimba about it. He's got the recording."

"Thank you kindly."

* * *

**Sallem's Room**

"Thank you kindly for recording this, Kalimba." Said Sallem gratefully as he took the disk from the Tiki. "Go into the kitchen and get yourself something nice."

Nodding happily, Kalimba took his leave.

"Maybe now I can get some answers as to why you two are acting this way," Sallem remarked as he glanced at Karasuba, Beitsubasa, and Haihane, who were currently lounging on his bed. "And why you'd wanna watch this a second time. It must be pretty good if you both wanna watch it again." He remarked as he put the disk in his Universal Recording Player (a device that can play any kind of recording holding device, originally designed and developed by Zero Industries of course).

"You break out some good food when you watch movies, and I have nothing else to do right now." Answered Karasuba bluntly before she took a bite out off some of the Jewel Meat Chibi-Robo had prepared, signifying that she was dropping the subject.

"What can I say," Shrugged Benitsubasa. "It was a wonderful tale of romance." _'What I wouldn't give to be treated like that by Sallem.'_ She added internally, forgetting that the man in question could read her expression/mind like a book.

"I just think it's really funny." Chuckled Haihane. "Especially the part with Neuro." She doubled over in recollection of the event in question.

That got Sallem's attention. "Neuro was involved?" He asked nervously, and got a nod in response. "Without my direction?" Another nod in response. "This cannot be a good thing for Rito... I can't wait to see this." He grinned maniacally as he sat down and hit play.

* * *

**The Contents of the Recording - Rito's House - 9:53  
**

"What was that Yami?" Asked a black-eyed Rito nervously. It was at this point in the recording that Sallem realized they hadn't managed to capture the beginning on camera, but he more or less knew where that black-eye came from, and that he was more than capable of filling in the blanks once the film got going.

"I said, that since you say Sallem is too busy with the matter of imprisoning his clone Victor again, that I would like to get your opinion on my cooking again." Said Yami, obviously having stated this once before.

"Why?" Asked Rito befuddled. "I mean, no offense, but the only reason you asked me along last time was because Sallem brainwashed you, and as you remember, that didn't wind up so well." Wound up well in Sallem's opinion.

"True," She admitted. "However, while Sallem likely has the planning skills to plan out and control the actions of people for several days at a time, I've read enough about him to know that whenever Victor escapes, Sallem devotes almost all of his brainpower to coming up with new ways to keep him locked up again for awhile. Ergo, with Sallem as busy as he is right now, there won't be any way for him to push us together." She explained.

"I guess you have a point then," Admitted Rito. "But still, why would you want me to judge your cooking? Wouldn't Mikan be a better choice? She is your best friend after all."

"Exactly, which is why I'd prefer the opinion of a third party, to whom I have no such bonds of friendship to to give me their honest and impartial opinion." She justified.

Sallem could easily see an expression that said _'I'm not so sure that you could call our relationship impartial, whatever it is at this point'_ flash on Rito's face. Outwardly however, Rito was more polite. "Well when you put it that way, how could I refuse. I suppose I was the one who got you so interested in cooking in the first place, after all."

"Very well," Yami nodded. "I'll meet you in the park at noon for lunch." She excused herself.

"See you then." Waved Rito pleasantly.

* * *

**Scene Change - Park - 12:07**

"Hey there, Yami." Greeted Rito as he walked into the park. "Have you been waiting long?"

"I haven't," Yami responded. "I only just got here myself."

"Well what have you got?" He asked. "The food last time was pretty good, so I'm actually pretty anxious to see what your recent cooking tastes like."

Yami turned away as her face turned slightly red at the reminder. "I would rather not remember that incident." She said as her hair instinctively turned into knives.

Rito chuckled nervously at the blades as he recalled that particular incident. "Yeah, I won't bring that up again."

"To answer your question, I've prepared a few different easily portable items." She explained as she pulled a few sandwiches out of a burlap sack she had brought with her. "Such rations are ideal for an assassin like myself, as we have no way of knowing how long we'll have to be in the field. Here." She said as she handed him a sandwich.

"I suppose you've got a point there." Rito said nervously as he accepted the food. Sallem could see that his face was saying something along the lines of _'You're still going on about that assassin thing? It's been over a year since you first came here, you still haven't killed me, I'm doubting you ever will, and you still consider yourself to be in that line of work?'_ Looking at the sandwich somewhat dubiously, which Sallem saw as proof that Rito has had more experience with Yami's cooking than what he was already aware of (most likely involving lots of Taiyaki, Sallem reasoned), he threw caution to the wind and took a big bite out it. After chewing it skeptically for a few seconds, he looked to have realized that there was nothing particularly wrong with it and swallowed.

"How is it?" Questioned Yami expectantly, not even noticing her own sandwich.

"It's pretty bland," Answered Rito. "I can taste some lettuce, a little cheese, and... Is that peanut butter? It's unusual, though pretty decent, but all of it's pretty unflavored."

"I used ingredients that would last unrefrigerated for awhile without spoiling," Explained Yami. "I also made sure to balance everything according to the amounts outlined on the food pyramid." Looking at her own sandwich, Yami took a modest bite herself. "You're right," She admitted after swallowing. "It's not as good a Taiyaki."

As always, Rito's face spoke volumes to Sallem._ 'I have the feeling that she's going to compare all foods to Taiyaki.'_ His expression said. "Well, I can see why you'd want something like this, though you may want to consider adding some spices to it... But not any super powered alien spices!" He added hastily, obviously recalling Lala's rather disastrous attempts at cooking.

_'I feel your pain, Rito.'_ Thought Sallem, sympathetic for once, as he watched this part of the film._ 'You're not the only one who's suffered through the hellish disaster that is Lala's cooking.'_

"I suppose you have a point," Said Yami, back on the film. "What kind of spices would you recommend for making this dish more appealing?"

"That's not really my area of expertise." Replied Rito as he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "You'd really have to ask Mikan about that kind of stuff. Like I mentioned before, she usually does the cooking around the house."

Yami stared thoughtfully at Rito for a few seconds. "Just as I thought. There really aren't very many positive features about you." Rito's expression showed that her words cut like a knife, or perhaps her hair. Sallem always had some measure of difficulty discerning the exact level of feeling people's emotional ques and body language spoke of. The fact that Rito kept his expressions subtle around Yami didn't help either. "What do you think of this?" She questioned as she pulled a canteen out of her bag.

"Well, let's just take a look." He replied as he took the canteen and unscrewed the cap. "You wouldn't happen to have brought any cups with you, would you?"

"I did not. Such things would weigh me down more than necessary, and take up space that could otherwise be devoted to rations and other essentials." She reasoned bluntly.

_'Must she always have the mindset of an assassin or some soldier?'_ Rito's expression subtly said. _'She obviously hasn't been getting any work since she got here, so isn't it about time that she adapted?'_ Vocally however, Rito remained polite. "I guess that's okay." He said before taking a few sniffs of whatever concoction was in the canteen. He must have decided that it didn't smell bad, because he took a few swigs of it. It must not have been very good, however. Because after doing so, his face contorted into a slightly pained expression. "It's kinda bitter. What is it exactly?" He asked as he handed the canteen back.

"Herbal tea," Yami said before she took a drink herself. "I used some potent leaves that were high in nutrients for the brew and stored it in a special canteen to keep it warm and fresh. But you're right, it is quite bitter."

"Next time you might want to try adding a few sweet things." Suggested Rito. "Like some fruit juice or honey. Even a few ground up fruit seeds or leaves added to the brew should add enough sweetness to make this easier to get down. Or you could go the other way and add something sour, like some..." He trailed off as he noticed Yami was looking at him oddly, though in a different way than usual. "What are you looking at me like that for?" He asked curiously, without a hint of the fear he usually felt around Yami.

If Yami heard him, then she wasn't doing anything to show it. She just stared at him. No, stare wasn't the right word, more like... Observed, though for what, Rito had no idea. Finally, after several awkward seconds of silence, Yami finally spoke. "How is it you know so much about tea, but so little about other foods?"

Now Rito had to take pause. He really had no idea how to respond to that, but after a few moments pondering, he settled on an answer. "Well, I suppose it's a combination of things, really." He began. "I may not know much about cooking in general, but I do know a lot about plants. I've taken care of them for long enough to know what smells, and therefore, to some extent, tastes work well together. I've also had to help out my dad at his job a lot, though I don't know much about his work, so I just do odd jobs for him instead. Stuff like picking up supplies, keeping his workspace clear, and sometimes making snacks and tea, since he and his assistants are always so busy writing manga."

"Manga?" Yami parroted questioningly. "Your father's a mangaka?"

"Yes." Answered Rito uneasily, no doubt recalling a similar conversation with Ryouko.

For a moment, Yami looked to be deep in thought. "Your father wouldn't happen to be Saibai Yuuki by any chance, would he?"

"Yes." He repeated, obviously afraid of where this would go.

After thinking things over again, she finally responded. "His work is very good." She said simply, and let it end at that.

Rito exhaled in relief, no doubt thinking _'I'm glad she didn't react like Ryouko did.'_

* * *

**Scene Change - Outside the Park - 12:53**

Neuro was walking to nowhere in particular, when something caught his eye. "Isn't that one of the canine's bizarre banana made Tikis?" He remarked as he looked at the camera, which suddenly started trembling. "There's no need to be so alarmed banana craft. I've recently finished a rather big meal, so I'm in a good mood right now." The camera slowly stopped shaking. "Much better, but why are you here? Usually you only record things on the canine's orders, and the last I heard, he was still locking away his bothersome clone."

The camera panned over to the scene of Yami and Rito having a picnic, before shifting back to Neuro.

"Hmm... I see. So while the canine was away, something developed, and you took the initiative to record it." Neuro deduced.

The camera panned back and forth, indicating that the Tiki was shaking his head "No".

Neuro took a second to digest this information. "Then I suppose that it was his harem girls that ordered you to do this."

This time the camera panned up and down, indicating that the Tiki was nodding "Yes".

"Hmm... I suppose I could try helping, but I don't really have much knowledge on matters of emotion, so I'd probably cause more harm than good." Neuro remarked... "I'm definitely getting involved." As a malicious grin appeared on his face. "Now how to go about having my fun?" He hummed as he looked around. "What are you waiting for? An invitation? Start looking for something I can use." He demanded of the Tiki.

At Neuro's demands, the Tiki dropped the camera and quickly looked around in a panic, obviously desperate to find something that could be of use to his sadistic impulses. The camera, though highly durable, couldn't catch things out of the lens. So for a few seconds, all that could be seen was a sideways view of the background and Banjo Tiki, who had apparently been filming this whole time. During his frantic search, he seemed to catch sight of something good, as he quickly exited screen left, or bottom depending on how you look at it, with a relieved look in his expression.

Off screen, Neuro could be heard chuckling. "Yes. That will do nicely. Very nicely. But let's add some **Demon World Mud** in order to make things more interesting." He remarked before the scene change.

* * *

**Scene Change - Back With Yami and Rito - 1:02**

"So... Thanks for the food, I guess." Said Rito, gratefully yet awkwardly as he helped Yami pack up what was left.

"You're quite welcome," Yami replied as she finished putting away her supplies. "Though your knowledge on cooking is almost nonexistent, you've at least helped me with my tea."

Rito's face showed that he was awkwardly conflicted about whether to be grateful for the compliment, or upset about the insult. Vocally, he settled for something simple, "Well, glad I could-" Or at least he **tried** to, before he was cut off by...

**"YAMI-CHAAAAAAN!"** Interrupted a loud voice that sounded oddly familiar.

"What was..." Began Rito as she and Yami turned towards the source of the shout. "That?" He finished fearfully.

IT WAS THE PRINCIPAL! But not as either of them knew him. Instead of a short, flabby, ugly looking man, there was instead a giant, muscular, ugly looking man. AND HE WAS RUNNING STRAIGHT TOWARDS YAMI!

Before he could even get to Yami, and before Rito had time to try and process what was happening, Yami had already gone on the offensive, paying no heed to The Principal's sudden transformation. She slashed him with a wide array of of blades, beat him with many fists, and even threw in a few dragon heads for good measure. However, The Principal's new muscle mass was quickly proving to be too much for Yami to handle, as he was still slowly making his way through her defenses.

During this entire ordeal, Sallem paid little attention to The Principal and Yami, having seen the man get beaten several times before. Instead, he payed more attention to Rito's physical ques, as he found such things to be incredibly fascinating, more so than usual in this case. The reason for this being the condition Rito's mind was clearly in at the moment. The condition being a massive spike in brain activity caused by chemical reactions, which causes all senses a person has to temporarily process the world much faster, making it seem as if everything was in slow motion, and allows them to have many more thoughts per second than usual. It was a condition Sallem was very familiar with, as he would often cause it through artificial means in order to come up with more brilliant ideas to make money, and though Rito was having his naturally, it was no less effective.

_'Is that The Principal? It is The Principal! How did he get so huge? Sallem isn't here! Did someone else cause this? Lala? No, why would she do this, and what invention does she have that could cause something like this instantly? Momo? No, she's just as disturbed by The Principal as anyone! Neuro? Neuro! He gave Celine the cola that caused a different reaction than normal! He's a sadistic demon! And he's the only person in the area who could and would do this! Wait a minute... Yami's losing! The Principal is getting through her weapons! Why isn't she running? The Principal has her by the arm! What do I do? What do I do? He's just torn away some of her clothes! What do I do? I have to do something! I have to stop him! But how? He's almost impossible to keep down under normal circumstances! How do I keep down a giant, perverted monster who's trying to... Wait! That's it!'_ Rito's rapidly changing expressions showed.

Moving quickly, Rito ran toward the monster that was The Principal in an effort to save Yami. Using all the leg strength he had built up over years of soccer, and over the past year or so of running from the occasional bizarre alien problem, he pulled his leg back, and shot it forward into a kick straight to The Principal's family jewels. It took effect instantly.

**"OOOOOHHHHH!"** The Principal cried out in a pained helium voice as he let go of Yami to comfort his sore nuts.

Wasting no time, Rito grabbed Yami bridal style, and got the hell out of the park.

* * *

**Scene Change - Back Alley - 1:27**

Rito was panting frantically, obviously having been running for awhile now. "That *pant* was *pant* close *gasp*." He took a moment to get his breathing back to normal. "Hey Yami, are you..." He stopped short as he realized that The Principal had torn the top half of Yami's outfit off. "I'M SORRY!" He panicked as he slammed his eyes shut and braced himself for impact. After a few seconds of not getting hit, Rito dared to open his eyes. "Yami? Are you alright?" He asked as he kept his eyes on her face and only her face, and in doing so, he saw that her eyes were closed and that her breathing was much more relaxed and shallow. It was then that Rito realized something which should have been obvious much earlier when she didn't hurt him for carrying her while her clothes were so badly damaged. She was asleep!

_'I guess The Principal must have knocked her out.'_ Rito's expression showed. _'Either that, or she passed out from fear, but that's not very likely... Her clothes are still damaged though. What do I do? What do I do?'_ Rito took a moment to try to find something to cover her with, only to be struck with epiphany as he remembered that he was currently wearing a jacket.

"I hope she doesn't wake up as I'm putting this on her." He gulped as he positioned her so that her head was resting on his shoulder as he took his jacket off and gingerly draped it around her shoulders. Propping Yami up against a wall and zipping up the jacket so as to preserve what was left of her modesty, he couldn't help but wonder.

"Now what?" That was the question. Now that they were out of immediate danger, he could be a little more at ease, but she was still unconscious, and though he didn't want to leave her alone in such a state, he also didn't want to be around when she woke up, fearing what she would do to him if and when the admittedly brilliant girl deduced what had happened. Taking her home was clearly not an option. Not only did the fact that he had been running in a random frenzy cause him to have no idea where they were at the moment, but he knew there was a good chance that she would wake up on the way home.

"Guess she's gonna beat me up when she wakes up." He resigned himself to his fate as he did his best to make himself comfortable on the pavement beside Yami. "I guess it's not really all that bad. I'm used to her pounding me after all."

* * *

**Time Change - Still The Back Alley - 2:06**

Yami felt dizzy and slightly sick, there was no mistaking it. The last thing she could remember as her head was pounding was going on a picnic with Rito. Other that, it was all a total blur, and she had no idea how she lost consciousnesses. After straining to open her eyes, and waiting for the initial glare of the light to wear off, she made a quick assessment of her surroundings. She was seated in an alley, Rito was sitting next to her, and she noticed that there was something wrong with her clothes.

They were damaged, and she was wearing a jacket that she Knew Rito had been wearing before.

"Rito Yuuki..." Yami seethed as she slowly changed her hair into every melee weapon she could think of.

Gulping, Rito turned his attention to a now conscious Yami. "Yes Yami?"

"What happened to me?" Yami demanded with an eerie calm, a Terminator-like glow seeming to be coming from her eyes as she poised her weapons at a feverishly shaking Rito. "Answer truthfully, because I'll know if you're lying, and know that your answer will determine whether you live or die."

Gulping again and trying his best to reign in his nerves, he answered slowly and cautiously. "Something weird happened to The Principal, and he managed to knock you out. I more or less knew what he would do to you, and I just couldn't let it happen. So I took a chance and kicked him below the belt. It worked, but I knew it would only last for a short time, so I grabbed you and got you out of the park as quick as I could. When I finally stopped running, I realized you were asleep, and that The Principal had torn your clothes. So I set you down in this alley, put my jacket on you, and waited for you to wake up." He answered, hoping that Yami would be satisfied and not kill him.

Yami, for her part, could sense no deceit in his words, and did a good job of containing her shock at this, though Sallem could still see through the cracks. _'He really didn't do anything to me, despite having more than enough of a chance to do so.'_ Sallem could see in her subtle expression changes. _'All this time, I've been operating under the knowledge that he was always ecchi. I justified it by his constant groping of my person, but... What if that's not the case?'_ Sallem could see that she was going over some mental checklist. No doubt recalling as many encounters with Rito as she could. _'He's... never really **tried** anything ecchi **on purpose.** Every time... it was always a misunderstanding... But that time where he flirted with me...'_ That threw Sallem for a loop. Rito? Flirting? That was like saying Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and the Ku Klux Klan weren't all completely insane. _'No, wait. That was far too out of character for him, and I've experienced firsthand what the wide array of aphrodisiacs of the galaxy can cause. He's... not ecchi at all.'_ She finally realized.

"Rito Yuuki," She addressed a thoroughly nervous Rito. "My job is done." Rito's nervousness instantly changed to confusion, more so when she changed her hair back to normal. "No, that's not accurate. More like, I never had a job here in the first place." Now Rito was **even more** confused. Job? Was she referring to the fact that she was hired to assassinate him? "You're confused." Yami observed. "If you recall, I was originally hired by Lacospo to kill you. He told me that you were a perverted fiend that planned to take over Deviluke," Rito sighed as he was reminded of that bastard and his corrupt methods. "But that was entirely a lie. In fact, from what I've only recently come to understand, you have no interest in ruling anything, and you detest ecchi just as much as I do." Rito nodded frantically, extremely glad that Yami seemed to finally be getting that. "In short, you are in no way the man I was hired to kill when I came to this planet. In truth, the target who was described to me never existed in the first place, and I can't kill that which doesn't exist."

"But... You said you never cancel a job once you start it." Uttered a very baffled Rito, realizing too late that Yami was essentially letting the assassination thing go once and for all, and that he should just have kept his mouth shut.

"My job was to kill the horrible man named Rito Yuuki," Reiterated Yami. "Up until now, in my mind, you were that man. Now, in my mind, you're a gentleman named Rito Yuuki. The you I once saw is now dead, and in his place is what I now see before me. Is that a satisfactory answer?"

Rito sighed in the greatest wave of relief in his life. Yami was going to stop trying to kill him on a regular basis! He'd dreamed of such a day for so long now, and it was finally here! "Yeah, that's good Yami." Rito replied, only half aware of what he was saying.

"But be warned, Rito Yuuki," She said as she turned one of her hands into a blade. "If my old opinion of you resurfaces, I will have to kill it again. One way or another. Is that understood?" Rito nodded frantically. "Good." She said before she took her leave, leaving a mentally exhausted Rito behind.

"Well... I guess not much is changing for me after all." Rito sighed. He knew his track record. He knew why it happened. He knew his reprieve probably wouldn't last long. He just wished it would stop already.

* * *

Yes! This chapter is done! I am very happy right now. By my count, I only have three more chapters after this one, but I've been wrong before. And even if I'm not wrong about the remaining chapter count, you probably won't be seeing an end to this volume of Rito's New Troubles until at least the end of summer.


	12. Born Loser

Hello again everyone! I hope you like this chapter just as much as any other, because I'm making sure that there's extra funny in this one! Enjoy.

* * *

**A Brief Cut from the Action**

We fade away to a dimly lit room with many monitors, buttons, and various kitchen appliances. On two seats in front of the monitors are a man we all love to hate (or hate to love, depending on your point of view). Sallem Cortez. Sitting next to him is a young man with absolutely nothing remarkable about him. He had plain black hair in a plain, realistic haircut, a plain face that could blend into a crowd of one, a plain black school uniform, and absolutely nothing else of any interest. In other words, he was completely ordinary in every visible way.

As they were observing the monitors, Sallem, with his canine hearing, heard us approaching. "Oh," He says as he takes notice of us. "You're early. We weren't expecting you for another few chapters to be honest." He said as he scratches the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, since you're here anyway, allow us to introduce ourselves. You already know me as Sallem Cortez, otherwise known as the man who likes to mess with love lives and be a big pest to anyone who pisses me off." He chuckled under his breath. "For those of you who're wondering who my friend is, I think it would be best if he introduce himself in the most emotionally scarring and negative way possible, as is his nature. Wouldn't you agree?" He asked as he turned to his friend.

[I couldn't agree more, Sallem.] [For all of you insignificant otaku out there who are actually wasting your time reading, and possibly even writing this worthless shit, you may, and probably already do, know about who I am, which just goes to show what a bunch of brain dead, manga obsessed geeks you all are.] [But enough about how useless all of you minor characters are, let's get on with me.] [My name is Misogi Kumagawa, and I was invited here as part of Sallem's story, which I think is a really horrible piece of literature.]

"Yes, well... Thank you for those biting comments." Remarked Sallem bitterly. "So, besides insulting my story and the readers, what exactly do you have to say right now?"

[Not much really.] [Just that you're a very desperate man if you're writing a story just to fantasize yourself with women.]

"Ouch." Hissed Sallem. "Really should have seen that one coming. But for the record, I'm not desperate. I just have bizarre inspiration for stories, and I really don't feel like getting into a relationship right now."

[Are you gay?]

"No I am not." Sallem growled. "I'm straight and proud of it."

[That would explain all the internet porn you look up regularly.]

"I do no such thing. Don't listen to this guy, people. He's a compulsive liar of the worst kind. Anyone who's read Medaka Box knows that." Defended Sallem.

[I'm getting better at telling the truth.] [And what I'm saying right now is definitely the truth.] [Why else would you be writing about nothing but To Love-Ru and Sekirei if you didn't look up internet porn?] [And why am I not getting any narration in my speaking parts?]

"Okay, A) I have plans for a very good, highly unique, and at least slightly more serious Bleach story for when I'm finally finished with this story. And B) Because the narrator gets very depressed around you and didn't feel like being anywhere near you." Explained Sallem. "He's barely even been narrating me since you started talking."

[That's not very fair to me.] [I have many things to say, and I'd like it if I could have some mental pictures to backup with my words.] [If this were a manga in Weekly Shonen Jump, I'd be completely invisible to the reader right now.]

"Stop comparing things to Weekly Shonen Jump!" Snapped Sallem. "Just because you're a character in it, doesn't mean you have to bring it up all the time! And anyway, the beginning of the chapter states quite clearly what you look like. Not to mention that anyone who's ever read Medaka Box knows that you almost always have a happy expression on your face, even though everyone knows you don't feel happy at all."

[That's not true.] [I've gotten plenty happy since I joined the Student Council.] [And by the way, you're asking me to stop comparing things to Weekly Shonen Jump, yet you've brought up my manga twice in this discussion.]

"It's not your manga, it's Medaka's, and possibly Zenkichi's as well. Since he's the male lead and Medaka's love interest." Corrected Sallem. "Anyway, we're really getting off track here. I brought you here for you to give me your opinion on my story. Not for you to berate and belittle me at every turn."

[Can't I do both?] [You seem like you could really benefit from it.]

"No." Denied Sallem immediately. "Now get to commenting on my story before I have to resort to calling in the Not-Equals."

[You wouldn't bring them here.] [Even you're not that crazy.] [Besides, they're Mary Sues, and nobody likes them.] [Not even you, and you're more or less one of them.]

"Four things: I know I don't like them. I know the readers don't like them. I'm not a Mary Sue. And having Mary Sue as a clone makes these kind of things just slide off your back." Explained Sallem.

[Mary Sue?] [You have a clone named Mary Sue?]

"Yes, and she's as annoying as hell." Growled Sallem as he yanked at his hair. "She has got to be the most annoying, game breaker type character ever made."

[Your clone is a girl?] [But you're a boy.] [And how bad could she be, anyway?]

"A lot of things can get messed up when people crunch the numbers wrong." Grumbled Sallem. "She's known far and wide as the Goddess of Torture, and it really shows. Do you remember Aizen Sosuke from Bleach and Madara and Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto?"

[Of course I remember them.] [They're three of the most hated and evil characters in manga.]

"She's made all three of those guys beg for death!" Exclaimed Sallem. "And the worst part of it is that she has absolutely no idea that she makes people suffer just by being around her. Not to mention that she's a hopeless fan girl."

[Why would she go near those guys anyway?]

"I just said that she's a hopeless fan girl." Groaned Sallem. "Those guys may be evil, but to her, they're premium estrogen bait brigade. And it really doesn't help matters that she fits the bill of Dumb Blond **way** beyond the impossible. She's like the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann of fan girls! There's no stopping her idiocy!"

[Now you're getting off topic.]

"Don't remind me," Grunted Sallem. "Just get to commenting."

[Okay.] [First of all, I'd just like to thank you for writing this story in the first place.] [It's not too often you can find a good harem story on this site.] [Let alone one that's part of a trilogy, and even more so one that isn't in the Naruto section.]

"I thought you said my stuff stank."

[I lied.]

"See ladies and gentleman. What did I tell ya?"

[Second, I'd like to say that you do a very good job portraying the characters.] [It's very difficult to find people that keep things in line with canon personalities.]

"See people. That's two times out of two so far that I'm a cut above the rest. I'm on a roll."

[Third, you're really appealing to the crowd.] [You make your readers laugh themselves silly.] [You give vivid descriptions of any major factors of your story.] [You make the image of the characters seem to jump right into the mind of the reader.] [Not to mention that you're factoring in the libido of some of your more horny readers that no doubt jack off to your work from time to time.] [I especially like it whenever Yami shows up.] [Except for that time when she aged up.]

"Yes... Well. Thank you very much for that disturbing mental picture. And for reminding all of us of what a lolicon you are. I will be needing my brain bleach shortly."

[Fourth, and most importantly of all is that you actually keep at your stories until you're done.] [That is something that far too few writers on this site tend to keep to.] [You can't go more than two pages without running into at least one dead fic on this site.]

"It's true. Very tragically true. Far too many writers abandon their fics once they get tired of them. Like I've said before, I have no plans to become one of those writers."

[And fifth, you're actually good at writing.] [Nine times out of ten, a fic sucks.] [That's where otaku geniuses with no social lives like yourself come in.] [You make stories that actually give the social outcasts of the world some sick enjoyment in their bleak and uninteresting lives.] [And all of that at nothing more than the cost of any hopes and dreams you may have for the future.]

"First you're rude, next you're polite, now you're rude again. Exactly what are you trying to do here?"

[I wanted to get some narration, so I tried being a bit nicer, but since it's not working, I don't want to waste my time and effort on it anymore.]

"Speaking of narration, where did mine go?"

"Hey there lovely viewers! I bet you're wondering what happened to the narrator, I know these two idiots are. Anyway, you won't be finding the guy in the "A Brief Cut from the Action" section for the rest of this chapter. You wanna know why? It's very simple. I nailed the guy over the head with a shovel. Tied up his unconscious (or at least I hope it's unconscious) body and stuffed it in my car trunk. Drove out to the nearest outhouse, and stuck his feet in the toilet. And do you know why I did this my adoring fans?"

"No Deadpool. Would you mind enlightening us as to exactly why you would go through all that trouble?"

"Hey! How did you know it was me Sallem?"

"You talk too much. Plus I read your little jokes in chapter 8, so I was fully aware that this was coming."

[Yeah, you really need to learn when to shut up, Mr. Cancer.]

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU LITTLE SUPER LOSER?"

[I called you Mr. Cancer.] [Since that's pretty much all that you're made of.] [You should be happy to have such a cool nickname.] [Do you know what people call me?] [A Born Loser.] [Compared to me, I've just given you the Red Baron of nicknames.]

"For the record, Mr. Born Loser, I already have a nickname. In fact, I have several, and they're way cooler than anything that you could ever come up with. Are you ready for this? I have been called; The Merc with the Mouth, The Regenerating Degenerate, The Crimson Comedian, Dr. Professor Carlos Winston Lazarus McBatman, Wade Wilson, The Young and Sexy David Letterman, and even Becky! I am just so awesome that I seriously need **that many **names to even begin to describe my awesomeness! As a matter of fact..."

"Don't mind him. He goes off on these random tangents all the time. He should stop just as soon as he realizes that no one's bothering to listen to him anymore. Which, if history is anything to go by, should be just as soon as we cut away to the actual chapter, in: Three... Two... One..."

* * *

**Real Chapter - After the Recording **_"Hey! Don't ignore me!"_

"Wow. So that's really what happened while I was away for the day?" Wondered Sallem. "Hard to believe that both Yami, let alone Neuro, would actually take the time and initiative to do my job for me. I'm also very impressed with the work you three did in getting this recorded." He praised as he wrapped an arm each around Benitsubasa and Haihane, while also wrapping his tail around a now snarling Karasuba. "But what I can't understand is how this could correlate to your sudden change in perspective on harems. Frankly I'm baffled, and that does not happen often I'll tell you that much."

Benitsubasa and Haihane both froze. Sallem could easily see that something was troubling them, but for the life of him, he just couldn't figure out what it was they were both obviously trying to hide. And was he imagining things. _'No, I'm not imagining things.'_ He thought as he double checked. _'That is definitely Karasuba looking as nervous as I've ever seen her, though that's still not very nervous.'_

"Alright. I know you three are hiding something." He insisted. "I may not know what it is, but I at least know you had hopes that I'd make some obscure, false connection between that recording and your change in attitudes. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." He informed them as he held his left hand up to the right side of his face.

The result was almost immediate. Karasuba panicked as she remembered the last time he used that pose. The time he had cut her head off. And judging by the way she held both her hands up to her neck, she could still remember the feeling, both the physical and mental trauma, of the decapitation all too clearly.

"CHIBI-ROBO!" She shouted in a panic. "IT WAS CHIBI-ROBO WHO TALKED SOME SENSE INTO THEM! HE'S THE ONE WHO GOT THEM TO WARM UP TO IT! THE RECORDING WAS ALL JUST A RUSE THOSE TWO THOUGHT UP BECAUSE THEY WERE EMBARRASSED BY WHAT CHIBI SAID!"

Sallem quirked an eyebrow at Karasuba skeptically. He could tell that she was in no way trying deceive him, but the very idea of what she had just said was preposterous. He looked at Benitsubasa and Haihane again, and their expressions reaffirmed the fact that Chibi-Robo did indeed have quite a bit to do with their current outlook on the concept of harems, and judging by their faces, they were quite flustered about what happened in that conversation.

"If I were anyone else, I'd be extremely doubtful that Chibi could have convinced you to finally go for my harem idea." He said. "I mean, come on! I built Chibi-Robo to; cook, clean, garden, and maintain my body from the inside, and that's it. He's not even designed to talk! He just uses a green exclamation point for yes and a red cancel sign for no. How in all the dimensions could someone with such a limited vocabulary convince three women that harems should at least be treated fairly and without instinctively bad judgment or attention to their supposedly bad reputation?"

"Two women, actually." Corrected Karasuba uneasily.

"Like I said. Three women." Repeated Sallem, simply to spite Karasuba.

"Well..." Gulped Benitsubasa. "Even with just yes and no responses, he manages to say an awful lot."

"And all of it is pretty persuasive and well timed." Added Haihane. "He has a way of saying things that you don't want to hear, but actually kinda have to hear. Not to mention that there's a lot of unspoken things he manages to get across as well."

"Alright," Said Sallem as he threw his hands up in the air. "While I'm still somewhat skeptical that Chibi could manage all of that with just two words, I'm also much more open-minded than most people, so I'll accept that for an answer." He consented. "But there is one thing that's still on my mind. Exactly what kind of conversation did he have with you?" It didn't escape his notice that all three of his wives tensed at the mention of the unknown conversation. "I'll admit, the idea that Chibi could be more knowledgeable on matters of relationships than even me, his creator, not to mention the most well renowned matchmaker and all around genius in the entire galaxy, is very interesting in and of itself. I'm quite curious as to how such a phenomenon could come about."

"Er... Well... You see..." Hesitated a madly blushing Benitsubasa as she fidgeted with her hands.

"Is it really all that embarrassing?" Asked Sallem curiously.

"Yes." All three girls responded at once.

"Fine then," Surrendered Sallem coolly. "I won't ask any further questions on the subject. You three are entitled to your own privacy, after all. We'll just say that Chibi is the most persuasive being in the entire galaxy and leave it at that."

"Thank you." Sighed Karasuba, reinforcing Sallem's suspicion that whatever Chibi said to them had affected her too.

"But their is one other thing though," He hummed. "What did you mean when you said that Rito looked close to death?" He asked Karasuba.

At this, Karasuba actually smirked. "I think that you should see that much for yourself. I know you have a way of telling things about a person that they don't even know themselves from just a glance."

"Like how I can tell how much you really love me?" Sallem teased.

"Sh-Shut up!" A red faced Karasuba stammered. "If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times! I don't have feelings for you!"

"Tsundere," Realized Sallem. "Surprising, Karasuba. Surprising. You know, I actually always pictured you as the type of person who expressed her feelings through straight-up, violence, violence instead of flustered, lovesick, violence."

"I am not lovesick." She growled (still red faced, which really wasn't helping her case) as she pulled out her longsword and attempted to cut Sallem down.

"I'm gonna go see Rito now." Sallem said to excuse himself as he casually caught Karasuba's sword and flicked her into the wall. "If he's really as expressive as you say right now, it'll definitely be a sight worth seeing." He said as he walked out.

* * *

**Rito's Room**

Rito was currently lying down on his bed, the events of his lunch with Yami still replaying over and over again in his mind. Sighing for what felt like the hundredth time, he couldn't help but remember that this was all Sallem's doing, in an effort to set him up with an unknown number of women. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the fact that Yami would hopefully be leaving him alone for awhile, but the thought of dating her as Sallem clearly had planned was disconcerting. It also didn't help matters any that he had absolutely no idea about what Yami felt for him, and his own feelings for Yami.

He knew that the fact that Yami wasn't trying to kill him was evidence that whatever relationship there was between them had developed on her part at least, but into what, he had no idea. Then there was his side of the bizarre bond between them. Now he would be among the first to admit that Yami was clearly stunted in terms of emotional growth, but he would also be among the first to admit that, for all her cold disposition and harsh words, she was still a very mature and intelligent young lady, especially for her age. She may not have the best social skills, but she was still capable of expressing emotions and building bonds. He also knew, while hoping that no one would find out, that Yami had become a familiar and at least semi-welcome part of his life, and that, regardless of whatever happened or whatever path their relationship took them, he'd still always want her to be around for the simple fact that his life without her didn't have the same flavor to it.

'Flavor.'

Now that was an interesting way to put things, but it also seemed rather appropriate. He supposed that everyone in his life had some flavor or another to add to it. Haruna had a sour, earthy, and mild flavor to her. Lala had a sweet, sour, and somewhat refreshing taste to her. Ryouko had a super spicy, and slightly refreshing flavor to her. And Yami... He supposed the best way to put her flavor would be refreshing, earthy, and bitter.

He was vaguely aware that all of these mixtures of flavors could be found in tea, but he supposed that could be chalked up to the fact that all he really knew how to make in the kitchen was tea. But none of this brought him any closer to fully understanding where he stood with Yami. Just as he was about to go over the facts again to try and come up with a better answer, his door swung open.

"Aww! Don't look so down!" Said Sallem noisily, scaring Rito off his bed. "I'm sure you'll find the answers to your questions eventually!"

"What the? How the?" Panicked Rito. "Were you listening at my door?" He demanded.

"Now, now, Rito," Teased Sallem as he adjusted the sunglasses he was currently wearing for some reason. "How in all the dimensions could I be **listening** at the door when you weren't even saying anything? I was **watching** you **through** the door with my x-ray glasses." He corrected as he pressed a button on his remote and the x-ray glasses teleported away.

"That doesn't make things any better." Grumbled Rito.

"I never said it did." Sallem taunted. "I'm just correcting you in a snide way so as to make a fool of you, not that it's a very difficult task mind you."

Rito sighed. He should have known that Sallem would show up at the worst possible time and make everything worse for him. "Just leave me alone Sallem. I don't feel like being insulted and tortured anymore today."

"Rito, I'm hurt." Said Sallem in a mocking tone. "No, seriously, I'm really hurt. Victor puts up quite a fight whenever I try to lock him back in his room, and in spite of his frail looking appearance, he's actually pretty strong physically. Not nearly as much as Jackson, one of my other clones, but the fact that he's able to hurt even me is part of the reason it takes me so much time and brainpower to lock him back up every time he gets out."

"Sallem, why do you keep bothering me?" Asked Rito.

"Say what?" Quirked Sallem.

Sighing again, Rito elaborated. "You're always being a huge pest. Sure, everyone else I know causes me near constant trouble, but they're usually either doing it unintentionally, or the causing me more trouble only because I caused them trouble, which usually happens because someone else was already causing me trouble." Rito shook his head with a thoroughly confused expression. "I'm sorry. Did any that make any sense at all to you? Because I'm having a tough time making head or tails of it myself."

"Don't worry about it in the least Rito." Chuckled Sallem. "One of the many benefits of having an I.Q. of over 10,000 is that I can not only understand any and all physics up to and including 20th dimensional physics, but I can also understand even the most unintelligible blubbering of even the most wasted of drunkards."

"Thanks... I think?" Muttered Rito.

"You're welcome... I think?" Mocked Sallem. "Your point with all of this being?"

"Right. Anyway, I understand why everyone else causes me trouble, but I can't understand what reason you have to do all of this." He explained. "Why are you doing all of this to me on purpose? Just today you-"

"Okay, I'm gonna have you stop right there for now." Interjected Sallem as he held up his right hand to Rito's face. "First of all, I can see where you're going with all of this. As far as you can see, which isn't very far at all compared to my foresight, I have no real discernible reason for the chaos I spread, but I assure you that I do have my motives. Somewhat selfish and clearly unjustified motives, but motives nonetheless. Second of all, I'm afraid to say that you're a bit confused as to my recent actions. I have done absolutely nothing to you for the past twenty-four hours. I've been far too busy locking Victor up."

"Right," Remarked Rito sarcastically. "And I suppose that Yami just decided to ask me out to lunch on her own. I suppose The Principal just happened to find some way to buff up since yesterday. I suppose I just happened to wind up in the perfect position for Yami to open up to me." Sallem, or anyone with at least half a brain for that matter, could see that Rito was trying, and somehow succeeding, at insulting Sallem with logic. "Exactly how much do you expect to get away with before someone pieces together that you're always the one causing all these problems?" By the time Rito was done with his rant, he was panting.

"Are you quite done yet?" Asked Sallem rhetorically. "Okay, where to start here? First of all, I really was too preoccupied with locking Victor back in his room to be bothered with messing with your life. Ergo, I couldn't have planned out or executed anything for you during the past twenty-four hours. Second, there is such a thing as dumb luck, as you are no doubt already **very** familiar with. Not to mention that without me around, that 9/11 suicide bomber haunting you **can** and **will** make your life worse than I ever would. Third, up yours Mr. Narrator! Nobody can ever insult me with logic, because mine is always flawless! And I believe I've just proven to you that Rito didn't manage to insult me, and only managed to make himself look stupid! So there!" He said as he crossed his arms triumphantly... Little bastard.

Rito looked at Sallem in pure befuddlement. Wondering who he was ranting to with that last line. When he finally processed the rest of what Sallem had said, his eyes lit up in realization. "You mean... You didn't set yesterday up so things would happen that way?"

"No I did not." Answered Sallem bluntly. "That all happened without my doing anything. Quite a happy turn of events if I do say so myself."

Taking a moment to process the fact that Sallem apparently didn't have anything to do with yesterday, and the implications that came with it, he finally came to a few conclusions. "Yami... Asked me out on her own?" Sallem nodded. "And me saving her... Wasn't planned?" Sallem shook his head this time. "But then... How did The Principal get so..." Rito's face contorted in confusion.

"Well, that's a minor detail that I suppose I'm actually partially responsible for." Sallem admitted in embarrassment. Rito's expression was quite blunt in it's meaning. _'Explain'_. "Alright, fine..." Sallem surrendered as he looked for the right words. "Both Neuro and The Principal just happened to be walking by at the time, and Neuro saw you two in the park and decided to have a little fun by force-feeding The Principal **Demon World Mud** in order to drastically increase his strength. I know this because my wives took the initiative to have one of my Tikis follow you with a camera. And don't worry, the strengthening effects of **Demon World Mud** are only temporary on non-demons, so The Principal should be back to his old stout, fat, and ugly self by now... Quite possibly with several permanently scarred young women ratting him out to the police for a wide variety of... Hold on a sec..." He said as he pulled out his remote again, pressed a button, and some new sunglasses popped on his face. After a few seconds of silence, Sallem burst out laughing. "Yo ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! Oh man! You will not believe this! Yo ho ho ho!" He said as he teleported the sunglasses away again.

"What is it?" Asked Rito. His head still spinning with everything that Sallem had just said. Mostly about the **Demon World Mud** and the scarred young women.

"It would seem that I spoke too soon." Answered Sallem as he got the last few chuckles out of his system. "You remember that Ryouko got super ripped?" Rito turned beet red at the reminder, but nodded anyway. "Well she and The Principal crossed paths shortly after he recovered, and she totally kicked his ass in an epic battle! Yo ho ho ho ho ho!"

Rito gulped nervously. While he knew that Ryouko was strong, as well as that she would never do anything to hurt him, the fact that she was able to beat up The Principal when he was in such a condition was reason enough for him to watch his step around her from now on.

"Anyway, I think it'd be for the best if I just left you alone for now so you can sort out everything that's happened to you in the past few hours." Sallem excused himself. "Just know, that if you need any advice or suggestions, I'll be in my room." He said with a mischievous (and somewhat disturbing, due to his scar) grin as he left the room.

It was then that Rito decided it would be best to stop moping about things and just get on with his life. If this conversation had taught, or rather, reminded him of anything, it was that his life was more or less insane, with or without Sallem around to make a mess of things. The only difference was that at least with Sallem around, the chaos in his life was a bit more organized and quite a bit less painful.

* * *

**Back to a Brief Cut from the Action**

We cut back to the control room, with, for lack of any better way of putting it, Deadpool and Kumagawa singing Earth, Wind, and Fire's "Boogie Wonderland" on a karaoke machine, with Sallem just watching in complete befuddlement.

Looking at the camera, Sallem threw his hands up in defense and said. "Hey, don't look at me. I was too busy with the rest of this chapter to be bothered with whatever shit these two nut jobs were getting up to. I'm as clueless as all of you are right now." Taking a long pause to just sit, watch, and listen as Deadpool and Kumagawa continued to sing.

"You're probably wondering if this part has any point at all to the story, right?" He asked the audience. "Well it's very simple. I've decided to mix this part, with my **Author's Notes**, so let's get down to business, shall we?" He asked as he pulled out a sheet of paper and put on reading glasses. Though of course these were nothing more than props he used to make himself look more official.

"First off, as I mentioned last chapter, I only have two more chapters after this one before this story will be complete, and needless to say, I already have those two chapters more or less planned out. So you all have something to look forward to in the next few weeks." He explained cordially.

"Second of all, I feel it's my duty to inform you all, that I've been receiving some help for these most recent chapters, and I'd like to take this time to thank them for all their help. Thank you very much** Hotel Katz** and **Grimlock King of Stories**. You two have been an inspiration to me in recent times. Let's give them all a big hand, people!" He declared loudly as he clapped his hands.

"This bring us to my third, and most important piece of news right now." He started solemnly. "It is my deep regret to inform you all, that, for all the help I've been receiving, I've just run out of steam for this series, and will be indefinitely postponing volume 3 of Rito's New Troubles. Make no mistake, I will complete this installment before I do anything else, and I will get to volume three eventually, but for now, I have other things to spend my time writing. I mean no offense to any of you, but I have no inspiration for volume three, and I think it'd be best if I wait for awhile, until I get my inspiration and details hammered out for at least the entire third volume before I get to work on it. In the meantime, as I said before, I'll be finishing this installment, and then I'll be getting to work on a Bleach fic I have planned. Once this story has ended, I ask that you all wait at least three weeks, and then look on my profile. I will most likely have the first chapter of my Bleach fic up by then. I will spoil nothing about it, aside from the facts that I will not be inserting myself into the story this time, and it will not be a harem story. I think it best if I take some time off from those." He bowed as Deadpool and Kumagawa started singing The "Sadder But Wiser Girl" from The Music Man.

"Thank you all for your time, patience, and dedication to my work, and tolerance for my inexperience and chaotic update schedule. I hope to see you all again soon. This is Sallem Cortez, signing off."


	13. 4 Equals Death

Hello again, one and all! How are all of you doing today? I'm pretty happy right now since I got three chapters out last month, so let's see if we can't keep this gravy train rolling, shall we?

* * *

**A Little Under Two Weeks After the Last Chapter. I haven't really been keeping track of the time line this time around.**

Rito sighed as he left school for home for the weekend. He realized that he'd already sighed quite a bit today already. Looking back on the rest of the day thus far, he could honestly say that he had every good reason to sigh as much as he had.

Let's turn back the clock a bit and see how this all got started. One step and sigh at a time.

* * *

**Sigh Number 1**

Waking up in the morning hadn't been a very pleasant experience about half of the time over the past year or so. The reason for which is obviously that he kept waking up with nude Devilukians on a regular basis. Fortunately, this morning was not such a morning, and he'd woken up at a more relaxed and peaceful pace for once.

After getting out of bed and prepping for the day, he went down for breakfast. A part of his daily routine that, thankfully, was only very rarely disturbed by one or more of his amorous (and, more recently, a few non-amorous) extraterrestrial house guests. Rito wasn't sure why breakfast, and indeed all of his daily meals as a whole, were, much more often than not, a pause from his usual pattern of trouble, but he wasn't complaining. If he had to guess though, he'd say that the terrorist haunting him probably let him off easy during these times because food was so important, and because the terrorist himself came from a country much less fortunate in terms of, well, everything than Japan, he was probably more understanding in terms of food than anything else. Though he really couldn't be sure. He is a terrorist after all. No one can tell how they think.

"Morning Rito!" Greeted Lala with her usual enthusiasm. "How was your sleep?"

"Surprisingly good for once." Rito answered. "What's for breakfast, Mikan?"

"Don't ask me," Shrugged Mikan. "Chibi's cooking again today." She explained as she gestured to the counter top, where Chibi was currently toiling away at something delicious smelling as always.

"Alright," Smiled Rito, remembering all of the incredible foods Chibi's cooked in the past. "What are you making today Chibi?"

"Why are you asking him?" Teased Sallem as his upside-down face suddenly appeared in front of Rito's.

"GAH!" Exclaimed Rito. "How are you doing that?"

"Anti-gravity shoes." Sallem smirked as he pointed to the ceiling, where his feet were firmly planted. "They have three settings: Reverse gravity. Zero gravity. And wall gravity."

"Wall gravity?" Questioned Rito.

"Walking on the walls like they were floors." Explained Sallem as he jumped off the ceiling and landed on the floor behind Rito. "But to answer your earlier question, Chibi's preparing Puffer Whale. A highly poisonous animal that can only be prepared by an expert chef."

"Are you sure it's safe to have something like that for breakfast?" Gulped Rito fearfully.

"Of course it is." Answered Karasuba. "Chibi was programmed to handle any ingredients that Sallem's company markets, and he's hardly ever failed."

"Exactly." Confirmed Sallem. "And besides, if it turns poisonous, we'll know just by looking at it. The whole thing turns an awful shade of purple if you ruin it."

"I'm not so sure..." Said Momo uncertainly. After the torture Sallem put her through last month, she wouldn't put it past him to poison her.

"Well I am." Said Nana proudly. "I've done plenty of research on all the meat and fish that Zero industries markets because I wanted to see if any of them would make good friends, and I can say with absolute certainty, that what Sallem's saying is completely accurate." She boasted.

"See, Nana knows what she's talking about." Said Sallem smugly as Nana and Momo went at it. "I just wish that she and Momo would stop having lesbian tail sex every time they find themselves not liking each other." He deadpanned.

"STOP SAYING THAT ABOUT US!" Exploded both Nana and Momo before they went back to being aroused by their tail sex.

"See. Even the narrator agrees with me on this one, and we can barely even stand each other half of the time." Boasted Sallem.

Rito's eye twitched. "I have no idea what your talking about."

"And I'll never tell you." Declared Sallem tauntingly. "Besides, unless you want your whole world view completely messed up, I think you'll thank me if I don't."

Rito sighed.

* * *

**Sigh Number 2**

"So, Rito, how's life treating ya?" Asked Sallem loudly as they walked to school, in spite of the fact that Rito was no more than two feet away from him.

"You do realize that I'm walking right next to you, right?" Asked Rito as he cleaned out his now slightly throbbing ears.

"Yes, the narrator already said as much." Chuckled Sallem.

"Will you stop it with that narrator thing?" Grumbled Rito. "There's no one narrating anything. Why are you pretending there is?"

"Poor, sad, unaware little fool." Sighed Sallem to the camera, which happened to be in the opposite direction from Rito. "If only he was aware of exactly how insignificant his life really was."

"Um... I'm over here you know," Reminded Rito. "And I can hear every word you're saying."

"Don't think I don't know that!" Snapped Sallem. "Now what were we talking about again flower boy?"

Scowling at the biting comment about his hobby of botany, Rito was about to remind him that he'd asked him about how his life was going, but Sallem had other ideas.

"Hey! Look at this!" He said enthusiastically as he slammed Rito's face into a pole.

"Look at what? I can't see anything." Mumbled Rito, who couldn't see it due to his face being stuck to a pole.

"Here," Said Sallem as he pulled Rito's face a few feet away from the pole so that he could get a better look. "Perhaps this will help things along a little."

Shaking the stars out of his vision, Rito got a better look at what Sallem seemed so interested in. It was a flier that explained that there was going to be a charity gala being held at Sainan High tonight being held by the Tenjouin Group. "So Saki's dad is holding a party at my school tonight. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that I've arranged for Chibi to prepare the food for the gala, in exchange for a few tickets to this event." Sallem boasted as he flayed out several of said tickets in front of his face like a fan.

Rito stared at the tickets in question with a vacant look on his face, but internally, he was deep in thought. There was only one reason that Sallem would have arrange for Chibi to cook for this event. There was only one reason he would get tickets for this event. There was only one reason he would show off the tickets in front of him.

"You're making me go, aren't you?" Rito asked. Sallem nodded. "And you're inviting Yami too, aren't you?" Again, he nodded. "Lala?" Nod. "Ryouko?" Nod. "Anyone else?"

"I'll be inviting Nana and Momo too, but sure, why not." Shrugged Sallem. "I've got three other tickets that I'm not really planning on using for anyone in particular. But you're gonna be the one inviting them." He said as he handed three tickets to Rito.

"Why me?" Asked Rito uncertainly as he accepted the tickets.

"Because there's really nothing you can do at this point to stop my plans for you and Yami." Answered Sallem with an extremely toothy grin. "I figured that I may as well grant you a little freedom in terms of your actions before I put the finishing touches on my scheming for this part of your harem."

Rito's eyebrow twitched a few times in response to the blatant confession. "And you're telling me all of this because?"

"It's very simple Rito," Smirked Sallem. "It's no fun if I command all of your actions. Gambling is all about leaving at least **some **things up to chance. You have to be granted some degree of freedom if you want these relationships to last your whole life, after all. I'm not forcing you into anything aside from the fact that I'm showing you that your options are open. And I do mean **very** open." He said as he wiggled his eyebrows. "Besides, it's not like I'm asking you to have sex with anyone... Yet." He added as his grin turned sinister and he walked off laughing his head off.

Rito sighed.

* * *

**Sigh Number 3**

Rito's day was in disorder, as it always was, but he'd never really been one to let things like that affect him too much. If he did, he'd already be long dead. Instead, he saw today as an opportunity. Sallem may have devious plans for him, but Rito had an ace up his sleeve. He'd been given three tickets to the gala by Sallem himself, and he intended to use them to his own advantage. He'd use two of them to bring along his sister and Celine, and he'd use the third to invite Haruna. _'This plan is great!'_ Cried Rito in his head. _'If I bring Haruna along, I can use this chance to get closer to her instead of Yami like Sallem obviously has planned, and I'll even have a perfectly legitimate excuse to not wanna be around anyone else. Ryouko and Lala both know that I like Haruna. Nana and Momo will no doubt keep each other distracted. Not to mention that I can ask Mikan to keep Yami and everyone else away from me. It's a perfect plan!' _Now he just needed to ask Haruna to the gala, and everything would fall into place. Sallem couldn't do anything to mess things up this time, but first thing came first.

"Where is Haruna, anyway?" Wondered Rito aloud. "Come to think of it, I've barely seen her at all for the past few days."

Finding Haruna was actually quite an easy ordeal. Rito figured that the reason he hadn't seen her around much recently was because he was stewed too deep in his own problems to really pay attention to much else. It was managing to talk to her that was the real problem. Not in the sense that he got completely red faced, shy, and tongue tied around her like he used to. That particular problem of his had ended long ago when he had finally gotten at least somewhat accustomed to the fact that his life involved ecchi situations at least once a week (usually much more than that, though things have quieted down a bit recently. Rito knew he had Sallem to thank for that).

The problem now was that, for some strange reason, Haruna seemed to be avoiding him the whole day. Every time he got close to her in the halls, or the classroom, or in front of the school, or one incident in the **men's** room instead of the women's for once that he and Haruna would both much rather forget about, she always ran away before he could even get in a word with her.

_'I wonder if Haruna's avoiding me for some reason.'_ Pondered Rito as he noticed that school was just a short ten minutes from letting out for the day. _'What reason could she have for this?... Don't tell me... She's avoiding me because of something Sallem did! That would be just like him! Thinking so far ahead than should be possible!'_ Rito thought with a jolt as his mind started attempting to come up with ways to get revenge on him. Not only for this possible offense, but for everything he'd put him through since getting her. He gave up thinking about it when he realized that Sallem would no doubt thwart any attempts made against him.

Looking up a the clock again, he noticed that it was now only five minutes until school lets out for the day. _'Of course...' _Rito thought hesitantly. _'She could also be avoiding because of what Ryouko said to me in front of her all those weeks ago... Then again, Lala also said that she was trying to convince her a harem was a good idea, so that could have scared her off easily too. And there's always the possibility that she saw me acting very familiar with Yami at some point or another.'_ Rito went into an inner panic attack as his mind conjured up all manner of biting rejections from Haruna. Usually involving; slapping him, kicking him below the belt, pitching him the classic, not to mention overused "Enemy of All Women" line, calling him indecisive, calling him ecchi, and one very odd rejection where she reveals that she's secretly been a lesbian for years. (Seriously, the things this guy comes up with) _'Where the hell did that one come from?'_ Wondered Rito, just as confused as the narrator. His face turning red as he found himself imagining the implications the last one could bring.

Looking up at the clock once more, he saw that class had ended a few seconds ago, and he had spaced out during the bell. In his panicked rush to get out of class, he accidentally bumped into someone and fell over.

"I'm so sorry," Grunted Rito as he rubbed his head. "Are you all..." He trailed off as he realized who he'd fallen over. "H-Haruna!" He panicked as he noticed the red expression on her face. He was confused as to why she looked like that, until he saw that his hand was on her chest (AGAIN! Seriously, how many times is this gonna happen before it gets old?) "S-S-S-S-Sorry!" Panicked a now equally red-faced Rito as he swiftly got up. "D-Do you need any help?" He asked as he held out his hand for her.

"Th-Thank you, Rito." She accepted politely as she took his hand and he hoisted her up.

"Haruna," Rito called out to her as she was taking her leave, causing her to take pause.

"...Yes, Rito?" She asked hesitantly, her back tuned to him.

_'That's not a good sign.'_ Rito thought. "Um, well, I was wondering," He paused to gulp. "Do you know about that gala being held here tonight?"

"...Yes, I know about it." She answered.

"Well, a few tickets for it just happened to fall into my hands a little while ago, so I was wondering," He gulped nervously again. "Would you like to... Go with me? I mean, I'll be bringing my sister and Celine along too! So it would sort of be a group thing! And if you don't want to... Well, I, er..." He trailed off awkwardly.

Haruna looked at him with what something akin to what Rito could tell was anxiety and... regret? "I... I'm sorry, Rito, but I have other things to do tonight." She said sadly.

"Oh, okay then." Said Rito dejectedly. "Well, goodbye then."

"Goodbye, Rito." Said Haruna, equally dejected as she walked off.

Rito sighed.

* * *

**Detour - Haruna's reason for not going with Rito**

Haruna sighed as she began the trek outside. When Rito asked if they could go to the gala together, she would have jumped at the chance normally, albeit a shy and awkward jump. She could have used that opportunity to get closer to Rito. To tell him how she felt. But she had a very good reason for not going.

"You're five seconds late, slave." Informed Neuro from the wall of the alley she'd walked into as he somehow twisted her head 180 degrees without killing her.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Panicked Haruna.

Yes. This was her reason for saying no to Rito. Apparently, the exchange student Neuro was actually a mystery eating demon in disguise, and she was now acting as his proxy. He had apparently determined that he was attracting a bit too much attention to himself with his current actions, and she was to act as though she was the brains behind all of his detective work the whole time, and that he had just been acting as her proxy, instead of the other way around.

What she didn't know, was that Sallem had paid Neuro in more diamonds to do this, in order to keep needless thoughts of Haruna out of Rito's head during his plan to set him up with Yami. It may sound harsh, and indeed, it was. However, Sallem knew that events had to be done in this order, as Haruna confessing to Rito, and vice-verse, had the potential to put a cork on Rito's harem growth. He determined that such actions were necessary once he got wind of Ryouko letting slip that Rito had feelings for Haruna to the person herself.

"Neuro, will you please stop that?" Complained Haruna as she rubbed her neck.

"Not a chance," Neuro shot the idea down instantly. "I'm far too accustomed to having a slave or two to abuse. It would be far too troublesome to be bothered to change that habit now." He explained as he jumped down from the wall.

"What do you want this time, Neuro?" Asked Haruna bitterly. "I had to pass up a... a..." She blushed as she couldn't bring herself to finish her statement.

"You had to pass up a what?" Asked Neuro curiously. Most would have waited at least a few seconds for an answer, but Neuro was impatient. "Tell me what you have to pass up to work for me today, or I'll imprint a hideous image into your eyes, and you'll see it every time you open them." He demanded as he painfully held Haruna's head in between one of his hands which he transformed into claws, and placed two fingers of his other hand in front of her eyes, which he transformed into tiny lights.

"A date!" Panicked Haruna. "Because of you I have to miss a date!"

"A date?" Quirked Neuro. "How insignificant." He scoffed.

"It's not insignificant!" Exploded Haruna. "It's a really, really special day where two people share thoughts, feelings, and emotions! Though I couldn't expect a demon to know that." She muttered at the end, regretting standing up to him when it was obvious that he'd be punishing her for speaking her mind.

Much to her surprise, the beating she expected didn't come. Instead, Neuro thought this information over. "Share thoughts, feelings, and emotions?" He hummed. "Ah, I understand. We have something like this in the** Demon World** as well."

That got Haruna's interest. "You do?"

"Of course," Said Neuro. "Your definition of 'Date' is like how demons attack each other over food and entertainment." Haruna's spirits were instantly dampened. "And that being the case, since we're fighting over my food and your entertainment, you could think of tonight's mystery as our date." Haruna's already dampened spirits were now mortified.

"Ehh! You two are going on a date!" Came one of the last voices Haruna wanted to hear.

"R-R-Risa! Mio!" She panicked.

"Wow, Mio. Looks like Haruna beat you to the punch on this one." Remarked Risa. "And here I thought you were interested in Rito."

"Maybe she's just shopping around Risa." Suggested Mio mischievously. "After all, a catch like Neuro doesn't come by often."

"Y-Y-Y-You two have got it all wrong!" Panicked Haruna.

"Ohhh, don't mind us you two lovebirds." Teased Risa. "We're just passing through for now. Enjoy your date."

"Make sure to use protection!" Teased Mio.

It was official. Haruna was on the brink of a heart attack, and Neuro couldn't be happier about it.

* * *

**Sigh Number 4**

Rito sighed as he left school for home for the weekend. He realized that he'd already sighed quite a bit today already. Looking back on the rest of the day thus far... Oh, wait, we already did this part, didn't we?

...Awkward.

Well, anyway, Rito's on his way home, Lala, Nana, Momo, Yami, and Ryouko just got their invitations to the gala, Sallem had convinced Lala and Mikan that Yami needed some coaxing to get her to come to the gala, and Sallem was aware of all of the events of this chapter.

"Now we just need to get planning on what to do with that last ticket of Rito's." Hummed Sallem from his control room. "There. Done." He said almost immediately. "Now I have the finishing touches for this story ready, and the groundwork for the next story ready. Well, almost ready. I just have to wait until Yui gets that forged letter from Rito containing the last ticket I gave to Rito but then stole back after Haruna passed up the date with him in order to stay alive. Oh, there, she got it." He amended as he saw her panicked and flustered expression on one of his monitors. What made her reaction so entertaining was that she hadn't even opened the letter yet, and she was still blushing just because she thought it was from Rito. "This girl has got it bad for him. I just hope she can stand the long wait until I start construction on her addition to the harem. Yo ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! More construction jokes... Well they're not really jokes, so much as comparisons, but the mere fact that I'm referencing construction so much is funny in and of itself."

Looking at the camera, Sallem gave one of his signature Glasgow Smirks. "Well, if you'll all excuse me, I have to go put on my fruity monkey suit for the gala... And yes I was completely serious just now... In case you're wondering why I'm acting like this right now, it's because I've been watching too much Chuggaaconroy on YouTube... And now I'm just trying to eat up time... Ta ta."

* * *

Well, that gravy train kept on rolling. I got this chapter out a lot quicker than I usually do. I think this amount of time may be becoming the new norm for me. I sure hope so, because I have a few ideas I'm just dying to try out. I case anyone's wondering or just forgot, the next chapter in this volume will be the last one, and then I'll be shifting my focus in writing a little bit. Where once I wrote stories based on harem series, I will now write a story for Bleach. Taking a break from harems before going back to them. I will finish this trilogy eventually, just not now.

Look forward to my new stuff!


	14. And Forever

Hello again everyone! And now. The moment you've all been waiting for. Here it comes. Right before your eyes! It's the final chapter in Rito's New Troubles Volume 2! And the crowd goes wild! Anyway, enough joking around. Let me just shut up and let you get on with your reading.

* * *

**Entrance to the Gala**

"So, Rito. You ready for this?" Asked Mikan with a mischievous glint in her eye.

Rito sighed, as if he hadn't already done enough of that today. "As I'll ever be." He answered as he took a second look at what everyone else was wearing.

Mikan was wearing a simple yellow dress. Nothing too fancy, or too plain, and, as Rito had insisted, it covered everything. Just the kind of thing a girl her age would wear to something like this.

"I can't wait to see what these things are like here on Earth," Said Lala excitedly. "The only other fancy party I've been to on this planet was the present hunting party at Saki's house." She smiled as she remembered the experience.

"I'm really not sure if you'd call that a typical example of this kind of party." Rito explained awkwardly.

Speaking of atypical, Lala's outfit could only be described as such. She was wearing Peke in the exact same outfit she'd worn to that very party all those many months ago.

"I'm really looking forward to the after party I'm planning with Rito." Said Momo lustfully.

"Oh no you don't Momo!" Exclaimed Nana. "Rito is Onee-sama's fiance! You can't have your way with him!"

"Um, I'm right here you know." Muttered Rito nervously as Nana and Momo continued their, thankfully only verbal war.

Like their sister, Nana and Momo were both dressed rather unusually by Earth standards. But really, they were wearing the same clothes they usually did. Rito could only assume that they were either both formal and casual wear for Devilukians, or because they were royalty, they always dressed in fancy clothes.

"Can we just go in already?" Asked Yami, completely deadpan.

Unlike everyone else, who was wearing what could easily pass for somewhat elegant clothing, Yami didn't bother to dress up. Instead, opting for her usual outfit like Nana and Momo had. Unlike them however, her typical wardrobe couldn't exactly pass for formal-wear.

"Not yet. We're still waiting for Ryouko." Explained Rito as Nana and Momo each made a grab for the others tail. He sighed. Those two just couldn't stay away from each others throats for more than a few seconds, could they?

"Such a gentleman, Rito." Cooed Ryouko as she pressed her chest into the back of Rito's head, causing his face to turn a vibrant red.

"R-R-Ryouko!" Stammered Rito as he quickly got out of her breasts, turned around to face her, and turned an even deeper shade of red.

Ryouko, as is her nature, had chosen what was likely to be the most erotic and provocative dress he'd ever seen. It was a completely black, backless dress, but there was a bit more, or a lot less to it than that. The neckline went all the way down to her midriff, once again showcasing her massive cleavage and eight-pack abs. The sleeves were detached from the dress, and worn like skintight gloves that covered her arms from wrist to just below her shoulder, highlighting her massive arms. There was a slit up and down each side of lower half of the dress, bearing her tree trunk sized legs for the world to see from hip to ankle, which her black high-heels and black thigh-high stockings accentuated even further. But the real kicker, was that she was wearing a black lace bra which was mostly uncovered by her dress, and the straps of her black panties were visible from the slits in her dress.

Before Rito could comment on the extremely risque and erotic nature of her choice in apparel, someone beat him to it.

"What on earth are you wearing!" Demanded Yui as she walked up to them.

"Ah, Yui," Greeted Ryouko calmly. "Did you get an invitation for the gala as well?"

"A-An invitation?" Stammered Yui nervously. "Wh-What on earth would make you say that?"

"Well, you are wearing a very nice blue evening gown and matching shawl." Pointed out Peke bluntly.

Yui realized with a heavy weight in her gut that the talking hair accessory was right. How could she possibly come up with an excuse for being dressed in an evening gown and shawl? She couldn't, but she could still try her best. "Well, Rito slipped a letter into my locker with a ticket inside, and my mom and annoying brother got their hands on it and kept on insisting that I get dressed up and go, so here I am." She was well aware that she was rambling, but she hoped that they would buy her excuse.

"Letter?" Wondered Rito quizzically. "But I didn't-"

"If I may." Yami intervened. "Most likely, Sallem forged a letter from Rito and slipped it into your locker. He's the one who gave us the tickets we're all using in the first place after all."

"Sallem." Seethed Yui. "He's always messing with everyone! What's he up to this time?"

"If the present crowd and his reputation are anything to go by, I'd say giving Rito a harem is his goal here." Informed Yami in all seriousness.

Yui blinked a few times in shock, not fully believing what she just heard. "Come again?" She asked, completely befuddled.

"Giving people harems... is sort of a hobby for him." Explained Rito awkwardly.

Yui blinked several more times before the implication of Rito's words finally caught up with her. When they did, to say she was embarrassed and angry would be an understatement, especially if the deep red blush adorning her strained face was anything to go by. "N-Now wait just a second here! Exactly what kind of hobby is giving people harems? And what kind of girls would lower themselves to that! Men, especially Rito, I can understand, but what on earth would make him think that I would have any interest whatsoever in such an outrageous idea? It's not even legal! Not to mention that all these people getting involved is-"

"Just calm down, Yui." Ryouko cut off a frantic Yui as she pushed her protesting into the doors. "Sallem knows exactly what he's doing. He's done this kind of thing many times before, and he'll do it many times again, so just roll with it. Lala and I are happy having Rito's affections, and in time, I'm sure you will too."

"Wh-Wh-What are you talking about!" Panicked Yui as Ryouko fished both of their tickets out of their respective purses and gave them to the doorman. "I will not now, nor will I ever, feel anything for such a... such a... such a shameless and flirtatious thing! And you! You're a member of the faculty! What kind of example are you setting for the school by flirting around with-"

"Yui," Ryouko interjected while placing her hand over Yui's mouth to keep her quite. "You might not want to be so loud in here. People are starting to stare."

Yui took a panicked look around the room, and found that many well dressed and obviously important people were indeed staring at them. Yui turned a shade of red so deep, it may well have broken the color scale. She quickly took her leave and shot off towards the buffet table.

"What an entertaining girl." Ryouko smirked. "I'll bet it never occurred to her that it was actually me people were staring at. It's going to be so much fun having her as a sister-wife." She chuckled as she went off to mingle.

* * *

**Party Goers - Lala, Nana, and Momo**

"Now keep in mind you two," Lala began to lecture her sisters. "This is a very fancy party, and you have to be on your best behavior. Got that?"

"Says the girl who ruined most of the political parties dad held." Muttered Momo.

"Hey! You were hardly any better at those!" Snapped Nana at her twin.

"I just want to find the alcohol, get drunk with Rito, and then wake up the next morning after a night of love and sin." Sighed Momo, completely ignoring her sister.

"You're completely crazy!" Exploded Nana. "Rito is Lala's fiance! Not yours! I'm already upset enough as it is with Sallem meddling!"

"Sallem!" Realized Momo with a start. "Damn it!" She cursed as she bit her thumbnail. "He's the one who gave us these tickets. He's obviously planned for me trying anything."

"Oh yeah." Realized Nana snidely. "With Sallem calling the shots, you can't do anything, can you?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I can do something." Growled Momo as she looked at Nana's tail deviously.

"Don't you dare!" Warned Nana as she guarded her tail.

"-And those are the rules for this party. Got it?" Asked Lala, who had apparently not noticed their entire conversation at all.

"Er... Right! Got it Lala." Chirped Momo convincingly, or at least convincingly enough for Lala.

"Yeah, we got it." Seconded Nana, who already knew more or less how to act at these things anyway.

"Good, now go off and have fun you two." Approved Lala, unaware that Momo's idea of fun was not only lecherous in nature, but also off limits to her if she wanted to keep her all her hair, as Sallem had threatened to cut it off last time if she tried anything again.

* * *

**Party Goers - Yui**

_'I can't believe this!'_ Shouted Yui internally as she angrily took a bite out of a very good sandwich. _'After spending so much time fussing over what to wear, only to cave in to my stupid brother's suggestion, and suffering through my mother's dating advice, it all turns out to be a prank! And not just any prank, but a prank designed to put me in a harem with Rito! That dirty, vile, shameless, handsome, gentle-Stop that!'_ Trying to shake any positive thoughts of Rito out of her head, she angrily took another big bite out of the sandwich she was holding, but found it hard to stay angry because of the wonderful taste.

"Hey, Yui." Came the last voice she wanted to hear right now, not to mention one that turned her face bright red.

Shaking her embarrassment away, she responded. "What do you want, Rito."

"Well, it's just that I feel kinda bad about how you went through all this trouble, only to find out it was a prank." He explained awkwardly.

Yui was caught by surprise by his remark, but didn't let it show enough for Rito to catch it. "You don't have to feel so bad about it Rito," _'What am I talking about? Of course he should feel bad!' _"I don't blame you for all of this. It's all Sallem's fault after all." _'What the hell? I blame both of them! Not just Sallem!' _"Besides, the food here is good enough to make up for it." _'It's not good enough! I don't care how juicy the meat, or how zesty the cheese, or how well blended the condiments in just these sandwiches alone are! And I don't care that the rest of the food is probably just as good, if not much better-Stop that!'_ "I know you well enough to know that you'd never be interested in something like a harem." _'Oh, I'm sure he'd love to have one! What male in their right mind wouldn't?'_

"Er, right, about that..."

"Rito," Yui began suspiciously. "What exactly are you saying?"

"Well, it's just that... Sallem is really good at getting what he wants," Began Rito awkwardly. "And if you spend enough close bonding time together with someone... Er, well, things can happen, and..."

"Rito," She seethed. "What exactly is your stance with all the girls Sallem brought to this Gala?" _'Including me.'_ She added internally.

"Well, I fell for Lala just a few weeks before Sallem arrived on Earth." Rito started out on a bad note for him. "And within a month of him arriving, Ryouko led me on one date to the next, and well... I wound up falling for her too." It was at this point that Yui had her mind made up, but stayed in order to see exactly how much she should hate him. "And recently, he's been trying to set me up with Yami, and he seems to be succeeding somewhat, at least on her side."

"I see." Yui strained to say with a straight face. "And... What about me?"

"Eh?" Was all Rito managed to get out as he blinked confoundedly.

"Well... If he's really as good as you're making him out to be," _'You sick pervert! I can't believe I ever liked you! Stop that!' _"Then, do you suppose it's possible that he has plans for me as well?"

Rito blinked a few more times before his face got faint hints of red to it. "Well, probably. I mean, he invited you here while saying it was from me, so he's probably got plans for you too. But! I know that's crazy talk! I mean, you and me. Can you really imagine that?" He chuckled awkwardly as he finished his panicked rant.

"Rito." Yui seethed.

"What is it?" Rito asked.

"YOU IDIOT!" She screeched before giving him a firm slap to the face before storming off.

"Owww," Whined Rito as he rubbed the red hand print on his cheek. "What did I say?"

* * *

**Party Goers - Ryouko**

_'This is certainly turning out to be quite a lot of fun.'_ Ryouko thought to herself as another person she had been talking to had been intimidated and quickly excused himself in a not so subtle manner. _'And that's number five. I wonder how many people I can scare off before the night's over.'_ She was aware that she was probably enjoying herself a bit too much, but she couldn't help it. Being a tease was in her nature after all, and it's not like she intended to take any conversations she had tonight beyond making people stare and feel awkward, unless of course Rito was feeling up for some one-on-one time in the bedroom. _'Ohhh, why did you have to go and think that, Ryouko? Now you're gonna be hot for him all night.'_

"Hey, Ryouko." Came a voice cutting into her thoughts.

_'Speak of the devil.'_ Though Ryouko. "What is it, Rito?" She asked as she noticed that Rito was understandably blushing.

"Well, I was just wondering how you were doing." He said as straight faced as he could manage. Quite a feat given that he was struggling not to stare at her breasts, made even harder by the fact that they were at eye level.

"It's okay, Rito. You can stare if you want." She reassured him as she flexed her body in a typical bodybuilder pose.

"Will you stop doing that?" Rito said as he struggled to avert his eyes and keep his voice down.

"Do you not remember what I went through to get these?" She asked sarcastically. "Not to mention how much work I go through on a daily basis to keep them. I think I've earned the right to flaunt my body to my lover." She noticed that many people who overheard her comment were quite discomforted by her admittance to being in a relationship with a schoolboy, not that she really cared what they thought.

"Fine," Sighed Rito, though not in an unhappy way. More like content surrender. "I've already told you that I love you, right?"

Ryouko, for her part, was actually rather stunned. She had expected Rito to be a bit more reluctant to admit anything, but the look he was giving her was not reluctant or the least bit angry. Instead, the look he was giving her was more... Sexy, than anything else. She wasn't even sure Rito was capable of looking how he currently was. Not knowing what to say, Ryouko just gave him a silent nod.

"Well I'm not the kind of guy to say something like that carelessly." Rito explained. "Well, actually, there have been a few times where I've said that and the wrong person heard it. But when I said it to you, I meant it completely, so I'll take responsibility for what I said, and follow through completely."

Now Ryouko was just plain shocked. She'd never seen Rito act so responsible before. This wasn't the face of a boy who didn't know what the world was like. This was the face of a young man, fully prepared for whatever the future may bring his way. Ryouko found herself falling in love with him all over again. Before she knew what she was doing, her arms wrapped firmly around Rito and brought his face in between her breasts.

"R-R-Ryouko." Stuttered Rito from within her chest as he struggled to get out. Okay, so there were apparently still some traces of a boy left in him.

"Calm down, Rito." Cooed Ryouko as she brushed his hair. Looking down lovingly at his confused face staring up at her from her breasts, she couldn't, or rather, didn't want to, keep her next words from coming out of her mouth. "I can't wait to start a family with you, Rito." She said before leaving a gibberish spouting Rito to fully process what she'd just told him, and to fully process it herself.

If there was one thing Ryouko really knew how to do aside from her job, it was messing with members of the opposite sex.

* * *

**Party Goers - Mikan**

"How are you enjoying things so far, Yami?" Mikan asked as she munched on a few weird looking, but still very delicious slices of apple she got from the buffet table. If she didn't know any better, she'd say that there was a screaming face on it, but that was crazy.

"For something that's obviously a trap, it's going well so far." Said Yami as she took a sip of some soda that was labeled Mellow Cola.

"Can't you just learn to enjoy these things a bit more, Yami?" Pleaded Mikan.

Yami cast Mikan her usual dull look before replying. "I have no intention to fall prey to a scheme of Sallem's." She rejected as she pulled out a manga she had brought with her.

"Rurouni Kenshin?" Mikan observed. "That's an interesting choice for something like this."

"I really don't care." Replied Yami in her usual monotone. "One of Sallem's wives delivered it and many other manga to me, and as much as I don't want to fall prey to one of his plots, I find these hard to put them down for very long."

"Looks like you're on the last volume." Observed Mikan as she got a look at the cover and remembered when she had read the series at her dad's office. "You're really gonna like the ending. I think it will really help you out." She smiled knowingly.

Yami gave Mikan a curious and suspicious look before hesitantly returning to her book.

"By the way, I can't help but wonder why you came to this party if you're so suspicious of Sallem." Wondered Mikan aloud.

"Sallem offered me a deal," Yami answered immediately. "If I can make it through this party without falling for Rito, then he'll leave me alone from now on."

"Yeah, about that," Began Mikan in all seriousness. "Why would you think anything about Rito either way? I'm glad you've stopped trying to kill him, but what do you really have against him?"

Yami stared at Mikan, suspicion heavy in her eyes. "Why are you so interested in the subject?"

"Well, it really says something if you're willing to cancel the assassination on him when it's your policy to never do just that." Mikan noted. "Not to mention I think you and my brother would really fit."

Yami took another pause to ponder Mikan's words. She had already shot down the idea in her mind, but she needed to come up with a way to drop the subject. "You are aware that Rito already has the affections of several women as it is, right?"

"So does Sallem." Shrugged Mikan. "He seems to make it work, and not just with himself, but with almost everyone he's ever matched up."

Yami actually sighed. She hadn't figured it would be this hard to get her friend to drop the subject. "Mikan, we're friends, right?" She asked.

"Of course." Mikan replied instantly. "You're my best friend, Yami. Most other people I know look up to me instead of really trying to get to know me. They think I'm some incredible little girl for being able to keep a household together almost by myself, so it's always been at least a little awkward for people to praise me about that all the time. It's good to have a friend who just likes you for who you are."

"In that case, why don't you respect my wishes and leave this topic alone?" Asked Yami.

"So that's what the problem here is." Realized Mikan. "It's not that I'm doing this in spite of the fact that we're friends, I'm doing it because we're friends." She corrected.

Now Yami was completely baffled. "Exactly how does the fact that we're friend mean that you have to do this?"

"It's simple, really." Began Mikan. "We're friends, so I can tell what you're feeling, even when you don't really show it, and with you as a friend, I have to practice this a lot. You're happy around me, I can see that much easily, and you're happy around Lala too, though that's a bit harder to tell. Normally you always have something of a barrier around you, like you don't really want to get close to people, but you can't help it, so you keep yourself at an emotional distance. You probably do this because you've always thought that you'll have to leave someday. Then there's how you feel around Rito."

"And exactly how do you see me feeling around Rito?" Yami asked. Right now she really wanted to end this conversation. Mikan was analyzing her too well for comfort.

"Well, it varies from day to day really," She started. "Usually you're indifferent around him, until something goes wrong or right. When he accidentally winds up touching or seeing you in a way you don't like, you're embarrassed. When he does something nice for you, you seem happy, but in a different way than you do with me and Lala."

"And exactly how do I seem happy around Rito?" Interjected Yami.

"It's hard to describe, really." Said Mikan as she tried to think of a way to put it. "It's like, you're always polite around me and Lala, like you don't want to offend us. But you can be biting and cold to Rito, and you know he won't get upset about it. It really says something if you're willing to be that open with him, even when you're happy to be around him."

Now Mikan was really digging into things Yami didn't want her to know about. Things that she wasn't even completely aware of herself. Looking deeper, she had to admit that there was much merit to what her best friend was saying. She didn't exactly hate that Mikan was analyzing her better than she could analyze herself, but she wasn't happy about it either. Why couldn't she just let these things be?

"Because we're friends, Yami." Mikan said, causing Yami to realize that she'd said at least the last part aloud. "You probably think it's weird, but sometimes friends have to be a bit harsh for their own good."

"I've read about that." Remarked Yami. "It's called tough love. I'm surprised you'd think I need it."

"What can I say?" Shrugged Mikan. "You look like you could use a push in the right direction. Not to mention that if you and Rito get married then we'll be in-laws." She added mischievously.

Yami looked at her skeptically before walking off to clear her head.

* * *

**Party Goers - Yami**

Yami was skeptical of Mikan's earlier words. She knew her friend only had her best interests at heart, not to mention that she had somehow gotten a better read on her than perhaps even she herself had. She chalked this up to likely having some training on the subject from Sallem, but she couldn't deny the validity in her words.

"Hey Yami. How are you doing?" Came a voice that she could really have gone without right now.

"Rito," She acknowledged. "What are you doing here?"

"Things have been kinda hectic for me at this party so far." He explained. "I'd kinda like it if I could just relax around here without having to worry about getting hurt or embarrassed."

Yami raised an eyebrow at him quizzically. "And you came to me to accomplish such a goal?" She asked disbelievingly. "You are aware that, even though I've currently labeled you as a gentleman, that could change at the slightest mistake on your part, and I'd be left with no choice but to correct the problem."

Rito chuckled awkwardly. "Yeah, but right now, you seemed like you could use a friend around." Right after he said this, he stumbled over his own feet for a few seconds before righting himself. "But, just to be on the safe side, we should really find someplace to sit down." He added awkwardly.

Now Yami was intrigued. In spite of the fact that he had stumbled, she had to admit that he had a point to his words. She could indeed use some perspective from an outside party right now. "Very well. There are some chairs over there." She agree, against her better judgment. "I believe it would be best for someone as clumsy as you to not multitask, so as to avoid any painful encounters." She said as she turned some of her hair into blades.

"Right." Chuckled Rito nervously as he steadily made his way to the chairs Yami pointed out, so as not to trip and fall again.

"So why exactly did you come to talk to me when you're well aware of what Sallem has planned?" Yami asked once they were both seated. "If you say that you're trying to seduce me, I'll be forced to kill you."

"That's not it at all!" Panicked Rito as he waved his hands frantically. "I just wanted to make sure that he didn't try to use any weird chemicals or something like that on you again. I wouldn't put it past him to try."

Yami, like she'd been doing for the past several meetings with him, studied him and his words for a few seconds before responding. "It's very kind of you to do such. However, I highly doubt that he hasn't accounted for such an event if he's really planning to use such methods again." She said, coldly yet factually. "To the contrary, there's even the chance that you taking such actions is a part of his plan, so you could very well be playing right into his hands." She stated as she pulled out her manga and resumed reading it.

"Do you really think that that even he could prepare for something like this?" Asked Rito, somewhat hurt that, even though her opinion of him had risen in recent times, she still thought so little of him. "I mean, I just randomly thought to come talk to you after all. If his plan really worked like that wouldn't the whole thing fall apart if I didn't come talk to you?"

"He's a very meticulous planner." Pointed out Yami. "He never has just one plan. He's always brainstorming more and more. Even right now, we could very well be falling into his plans. That's why I'm trying to stay as closed as possible right now."

"I think it might be best if we just stop talking about him for now." Suggested Rito. "All this talk about him and his plans is starting to weird me out."

"Very well," Consented Yami. "What do you suggest we discuss, if anything?"

"Well, let's see here..." He said as he paused to think. "Hey, isn't that Rurouni Kenshin you're reading?"

"It is," Yami comment, her face still in the book. "I'm currently on the final volume. It's quite a tale of relationships, well thought out plot and characters, and fighting techniques. I've learned quite a few ways to attack and defend from this series."

"I'll bet." Said Rito awkwardly. "How did you get interested in it in the first place?"

"One of Sallem's wives gave the series to me." Commented Yami casually. "I know that I probably shouldn't but-"

"Wait." Interjected Rito "One of Sallem's wives gave them to you?" Asked Rito fearfully. "And you're reading it?"

"Yes."

Rito thought hard, trying to remember what happened in the entire series. "Put the book down, now." He demanded firmly. "You can read it anytime after Sallem's gone, but while he's here it's too risky."

Yami cast him a look that, if he didn't know better, was one of subtle fear and panic. "I've... Already finished it." She said uneasily.

_'This is it!'_ Rito realized with a panic. _'This is what Sallem was aiming for from the start! I've gotta get away from Yami!'_

"Rito," Yami began nervously. "What's wrong?"

Before Rito could say anything however, the lights dimmed and a few spotlight were aimed at the stage that had been set up just for this event. On stage, there was a man in a white, featureless mask, pink dress shirt with a white waistcoat, and a green and red full plaid and kilt.

"Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Said the man dramatically. "My associates and I have been hired for this night to provide you with the finest music you will find far and wide for many a mile! I welcome you all to enjoy our tunes and tomes of music that we've prepared for this very night!" He explained ecstatically as he walked over to a piano on stage with a mike on it, as the lights panned out to reveal two girls with violins, and one up by a mike, all three of which were wearing evening gowns with a long slit up the left leg. As the music began to play, Rito and Yami found themselves frozen to their seats.

**Sometimes I feel so all alone**

**Finding myself callin' your name**

**When we're apart, so far away**

**Hopin' it's me that you're thinkin' of**

**Could it be true, could it be real?**

**My heart says that you're the one.**

**There's no one else, you're the only one for me.**

**Yes, this time my love's the real thing.**

**Never felt that love is so right.**

**The world seemed such an empty place.**

**We need someone we could give our all.**

**Baby, it's you, we'll be together now and forever.**

During the musical interlude, Yami found herself entranced by the music. In spite of the fact that she could honestly say that she never felt what could be classified as what she's heard love is like, she couldn't help but wonder again what it was like. Emotions had never been her strong suit, but as much as she may try to deny it, she was still as curious as ever, and wondered if someone as emotionally stunted as her could ever really feel love as great as she's read tales about.

**Could it be true, could it be real?**

**My heart says that you're the one.**

**There's no one else, you're the only one for me.**

**Yes, this time my love's the real thing.**

**Never felt that love is so right.**

**The world seemed such an empty place.**

**We need someone we could give our all.**

**Baby, it's you, we'll be together now and forever.**

**Never felt that love is so right.**

**The world seemed such an empty place.**

**We need someone we could give our all.**

**Baby, it's you, we'll be together now and forever.**

As the song wound down to a close, the singer slowly walked over to the pianist, and they finished the song singing into the same mike, and as they did so, Yami felt something moving within her. She knew that the people on stage were likely Sallem and his wives, or at least people he had hired, but she was entranced by their words and actions. Casting a sideways glance at Rito, she saw that he was doing the same. For some reason, she felt as she usually did whenever something ecchi happened, and that she should be hitting him, but she found herself unable to, and she knew the exact reason why.

She finished Rurouni Kenshin. She knew Rito warned her not to. She could put two and two together. The ending was the killer getting a happy ending with a family. She was a killer. Mikan had said she wanted to be her family. She knew she had been completely set up right from the get go. But as she moved her lips against Rito's, she found that she didn't really care. Funny, she hadn't even noticed that she had moved to kiss him, or maybe he moved to kiss her. It didn't matter to her either way. She was happy, and that was that. And as for the harem, well, she didn't mind sharing him.

* * *

**Party Goers - Rito**

Rito, on the other hand, was a bit more in tune with the music. He knew, perhaps better than anyone what love was like, having fallen in love with three women at the same time. Some would see him as a playboy for this, and to an extent, so did he, but part of him also understood that the fact that he held feelings for three women gave him a better understanding of why and how people fall in love than most.

Looking at Yami as the song wound down, he saw that she was giving him the same look of simplicity that he imagined he had on right now. He would admit it. Sallem had won again. He'd fallen for exactly who Sallem had wanted him to fall for, and again, he didn't really mind. Yami was Yami. Yami was a girl, no, a woman he loved. She may be young now, but to Ryouko, he was young now. Age really didn't matter to him or Ryouko, and as his lips moved against Yami's, he found that it didn't matter to her either. Funny, he hadn't even noticed that he had moved to kiss her, or maybe she had moved to kiss him. It didn't matter to him either way. He was happy, and that was that. And as for his harem, well, she was kissing him, so she probably didn't mind that she'd be sharing him.

* * *

And, done! There you are folks! The last chapter of Rito's New Troubles Volume 2! Hope you don't mind if the ending feels rushed, I just felt like doing something kinda soft and mushy here. Just a reminder, I won't be posting the final volume of this until I'm done with the Bleach fic I'm working on, which will take quite awhile. I should be posting the first chapter of it around the beginning of September. Look for it on my profile!

"One more thing!" If anybody's wondering where that song is from, look up "And forever" on YouTube. It's the closing theme for Big O.**  
**


	15. Darkness   SO NOT

Hey, everyone! Bet you're all surprised to see an update in this story again, aren't you? Well, I have a good reason for this. Looking back on my old stories, I realized that this story of mine felt unfinished. Not in the sense that I still have one more volume of this story to go (though I will get around to that once I finish writing my Bleach fic, 1 Face, 2 Face, 3 Face, 4th Division. Please read and review, because that's what motivates me best, and people not reviewing to it is what got me into a funk in the first place) but rather, in the sense that I originally finished this installment on a half-assed note. Therefor, to amend this, I will add one final chapter to volume 2 as a sort of wrap-up. Please enjoy, and more importantly **REVIEW!**

* * *

**After The Party**

"Yo ho ho ho! What a bash! What a bash! What a bash!" Cheered Sallem enthusiastically as he, his wives, Rito, Lala, her sisters, Mikan, and even Yami walked back to the Yuuki household. "And how did all of you enjoy it?" He asked Rito and Yami with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"It was a great party!" Cried Lala happily. "It was really nice to see Saki and her friends getting along so well with Zastin." She didn't notice Sallem chucking under his breath at her comment.

"Get away from me." Deadpanned Yami as she turned her hair into a razor sharp blade and tried to decapitate Sallem, who quickly ducked out of the way.

"Hey, hey, hey now!" Teased Sallem, slightly nervous. "Careful with those things! Even a body as sturdy as mine could be cut to ribbons by such sharp blades. Not to mention I'm not The Headless Horseman, or Buggy The Clown, or Celty Sturluson, or anything like that. My head has to stay attached, you know?" Tapping on his head, he added, "If this thing comes off, I could actually die, you know?"

"That's the point." Remarked Yami coldly.

"Yami, it might be best if you try not to let him bother you." Advised Rito as he placed his arm around Yami's shoulders, causing her to blush slightly, but she didn't call him out on it like she probably would have before this night started. "I mean, after having to put up with him for two months already, I've learned that nothing can get to this guy."

"To some extent, yes." Shrugged Sallem. "I mean, I'm not completely invincible or anything, but I'm certain that none of you could manage anything against me. That goes double for you, Momo." He scolded.

"I didn't even do anything today!" Cried Momo in her defense.

"What do you mean by 'today'?" Asked Nana suspiciously.

"Well, yesterday, there was the fiasco with the pancakes..." Sallem trailed off.

"That was you!-?" Shouted Nana as she engaged Momo in another one of their bouts of violent tail sex, drawing quite a crowd of perverts with cameras.

"I'll just never understand the appeal some people find in watching two girls go at it in a sexual manner." Muttered Sallem disapprovingly to his wives. "I mean, if it was a full blown cat-fight, I'd enjoy the bloody brawl as much as the next violence junkie. But if it's done in an overly sexual manner, I just don't see the point. What do you three think?"

"This is going on the internet." Haihane chuckled.

"Some pervert's gonna post this on the internet." Scoffed Benitsubasa.

"You're gonna post this on the internet, aren't you?" Deadpanned Karasuba.

"You know me so well, Karasu-chan." Cooed Sallem as he motioned for the Tiki Tak Tribe to get a better shot of the two Deviluke Princesses going at it.

"Don't call me, Karasu-chan." Growled Karasuba as she pulled out her sword and took a slash at Sallem, only for it to clang against his metallic body. If Haihane and Benitsubasa weren't already used to their Ashikabi easily surviving or dodging normally lethal blows, they would have gotten angry. As it was, this was pretty much business as usual for them.

"Anyway, as fun as this has been, I'd really rather they continue this somewhere I can't see them." Remarked Sallem as he pulled out his remote.

"You're not gonna send them to Rito's Principal again, are you?" Asked Mikan sternly.

"Of course not." Denied Sallem with a mischievous glint in his grin. "I have something much better in mind for them." He remarked as he teleported the two squabbling girls away.

* * *

**On a Flight to Japan**

"Finally." Sighed a very relieved Run and Ren in unison as the plane they were on announced that they were halfway to Japan. During their highly less than ideal trip to Paris, they'd finally hit a milestone of growth for their species, and their male and female halves split into two separate people. While they were grateful for the fact that they no longer had to share a body, they both knew that, until Sallem was out of their lives again, their separation was only likely to make things worse for them, rather that better.

You two poor saps don't know the half of it.

Just as Ren got seated it the lavatory, Nana and Momo suddenly appeared.

"This is for those two hours I spent stranded on the toilet!" Shouted Nana.

"I keep telling you, that wasn't me!" Denied Momo.

"What's going on-Hey! Don't touch that!" Panicked Ren as Momo squeezed his family jewels, hard.

"How did he get here?-!" Demanded Nana as she punched Ren in the face.

"How did I get here?-! How did you get here!" Shouted Ren as he accidentally grabbed Momo's tail.

"Ahhh!" Moaned Momo in ecstasy. "R-Ren! That f-f-feels so goooooood!"

"I didn't mean to touch any-Ah! Who bit me!-?"

* * *

**For the sanity and well being of the readers, I will continue no further in this edition of:**

**"Ren and Run, Momo and Nana, Major Prank Victims."**

**Thank you, and have a nice day.**

* * *

**Back With Sallem and Company**

"-but regardless of why I was spreading trouble at the party tonight, the bottom line here is, if anyone asks, I did** not** smuggle six metric tons of cocaine into Japan via jet-propelled ostrich." Explained Sallem.

"Why would anyone besides you do that?" Asked Mikan disapprovingly.

"Sometimes I think you're on cocaine." Muttered Karasuba.

"Sometime I am, sometimes I'm not." Shrugged Sallem. "But my overall favorite drug would have to be Electric Bananas."

"Somebody shoot me, I married a junkie." Sighed Karasuba.

"If you paid attention, you know most Earth drugs are good for Sallem." Scolded Haihane.

"Like I'll believe that." Scoffed Karasuba.

"Hey, when the atmosphere of your home planet is primarily methane, you develop a few very interesting quirks in your biology." Handwaved Sallem. "Along with some highly offensive body odors, but all of that is nothing that can't be dealt with by a little cybernetic enhancement. Yo ho ho ho ho ho!"

"Shove it." Deadpanned Karasuba as she pulled hard on Sallem's torn cheek in annoyance.

"Well, all that aside, it would appear as though we've lost track of a certain somebodies." Smirked Sallem as he did a quick headcount, and came up two short. "Now I wonder who we could be missing?" He asked sarcastically. "Oh! Tiki Taks!" He called, and his floating cameramen responded. "Go see if you guys can't find out where Rito and Yami-chan went. Here are some tracking devices to find them with." He said as he handed them their equipment, and they took off with a salute.

"You really take too much pleasure in getting involved where you aren't wanted." Observed Karasuba and Mikan, who subtly bumped fists in agreement.

"Since when have you two gotten so close?" Questioned Sallem curiously.

"I'm not sure." Said Mikan honestly.

"Mutual idiot sense." Suggested Karasuba.

* * *

**With Rito and Yami**

"Yami! What are you doing?-!" Panicked Rito as Yami jumped from rooftop to rooftop, Rito cradled in her arms.

"Getting some distance between us and Sallem." Explained Yami as if it were obvious.

"I can empathize, really I can, but don't you think this is a bit extreme?-!" He shouted.

Normally, she would have gone further than this, but taking Rito's nerves into account, Yami stopped on the roof of a Chinese Restaurant. "This should be far enough." She said as she placed Rito down. She didn't really think it was far enough, but she knew that there was a good chance it'd be futile anyway.

"Well, anyway," Began Rito much more calmly as he dusted himself off. "What did you bring me here for anyway?"

"I want to know." Whispered Yami quickly as she turned away from him.

Blinking in confusion, Rito asked, "What do you want to know?" When Yami didn't answer, he asked again. "What do you want to know?" Still no answer, Rito decided to dare to press this a bit further than he would have dared just this morning. Slowly walking up to her, he placed his hands on her shoulders. She stiffened for a moment, causing Rito to stiffen as well, but when she relaxed, he followed soon after. "Yami, what do you want to know?" He asked a third time, this time much more tenderly.

Hesitating for a moment, Yami asked quietly, "I want to know... what we are?"

"What we are?" Rito repeated and Yami nodded. "Well..." He hesitated. "I'm not really sure what we are exactly." He admitted.

"If you don't know, then why did you... kiss me?" Asked Yami.

"Well... I don't mean to sound rude or anything... but I wasn't the only one who made a move tonight." Defended Rito. At first, he was slightly worried that she might try to cut him or something, even more so when she turned her hair into several blades. However, Yami showed remarkable self-control and let the blades turn back into her hair again.

"You're right." Admitted Yami shyly. "And I'm not sure why I did what I did either. All I know was that it just felt so right at the time, and that I don't regret it."

"Yami." Breathed Rito.

"No," Amended Yami. "It's not that I don't regret it. It's that I don't want to regret it."

"Yami, I..." Began Rito, not fully sure what to say. After a few moments of thinking, however, he decided on something he thought would help. "I don't want to regret it either." Hearing Yami gasp slightly, he hesitated for a moment before continuing. "I don't want to regret it... because kissing you... felt good. It felt like someone who was really stepping out into the world for the first time was placing their trust in me, and I didn't want to do anything to break that trust."

"How would you know what that felt like?" Asked Yami sternly.

"Well, you're probably going to think this is stupid," Began Rito awkwardly. "But it felt a little like what I felt when Lala turned down a forced offer to marry me from her father. Or when Celine turned into a little girl and started following me around. Or when Ryouko first told me some things about herself on our first date."

"I don't understand," Said Yami, slightly confused as she turned to face Rito. "What do all those things have in common with each other, let alone what happened between us tonight?"

"I guess it's like... seeing a person grow and mature for your sake." Explained Rito. "Like when you learn something that could change you for better or worse, and you decide to change for the better."

"Like suddenly gaining a lot more responsibility," Yami understood.

"Yeah," Nodded Rito. "That kind of thing. When you learn and grow. When you find something you see a goal you want and you strive for it."

"When you fall in love." Whispered Yami uncertainly.

Hesitating for several seconds, Rito eventually nodded in agreement. "Yeah. When you fall in love."

"So... what does this make... us?" Asked Yami hesitantly.

Rito, for his part, was actually taking Yami's uncharacteristic behavior in stride. He wasn't entirely certain why she was acting so oddly, but he had a theory. Yami was injured, though obviously not in the physical sense. No, Rito was pretty certain that even if she was in any physical pain, it wouldn't bother her in the least. She was injured in the emotional sense. While Rito didn't know anything about Yami's past besides the fact that she had quite a reputation as an assassin, he did know from having a manga-ka for a father that nobody ever got into that kind of work without some big reason, or at least not the ones that still seemed sane. And given that Yami was still so young and how little emotion she ever shows, it was very likely that she never really learned how to express herself, or worse, she knew, but then forgot. Still, Rito wasn't entirely certain about anything yet. For all he knew, this was just how her species acted naturally.

"I don't really know," Yami looked at him with a disappointed glare. "I mean, I have a few ideas, but there's still so much about you that I don't know. Until I know the answers to at least some of the questions that have been burning in my mind about you for a while now, I wouldn't know how we should move on from here, or even where 'here' really is."

Her gaze softening slightly at his words, she mulled it over a bit before replying. "You want to know about where I came from, and why I am who I am." It wasn't a question.

"Well," Rito began awkwardly. "When you put it that way, it sounds kinda philosophical... but yes. That's what I'm asking."

After thinking it over for several seconds, Yami nodded. "Very well. If only to find out... where we stand." In spite of the blush on her face, Yami was actually smiling slightly.

"Why are you smiling?" Asked Rito curiously.

Her smile getting slightly bigger, Yami answered. "I've just gotten to say so many romantic things that I've wanted to say for a long time now."

Blinking a few times in confusion, Rito couldn't help but laugh at the sheer hilarity of Yami's remark. Yami quickly joined in, the tension between them quickly dissolving.

"Did you know saying that would make us both laugh so hard?" Rito said in between laughs.

"No." Chuckled Yami. "But I'm kinda glad I said it now."

"Me too." Agreed Rito as he and Yami both pulled themselves together.

"Very well," Nodded Yami. "It all goes back to when I was first created-"

* * *

**A/N: If you want to know about Yami's past, go read To-Love-Ru Darkness. I'm not gonna bother telling a story that people can easily find in canon.**

* * *

**With Sallem - Chinese Restaurant  
**

"Damn that girl." Growled Sallem, slightly bitter, but at the same time unable to pull it off properly. "How did she know I had a weakness for Chinese food? Or maybe it was just by chance that they stopped here." He remarked before stuffing a wonton into his mouth. "Soooooo goooooood! The crunchy and oily texture of the fried wonton blends so well with the creaminess and earthiness of the melted cream cheese filling it! Truly the Chinese know what they're doing better than anyone else on this planet when it comes to cooking!"

"Glad to see you still like stuffing your face." Karasuba actually chuckled. "I thought it was weird that you didn't eat anything at the party."

"Yeah, usually you eat enough for four or five people." Agreed Benitsubasa as she took a bite out slice of something or other - it's really hard to tell with Chinese food - that smelled faintly of brain to Sallem. "But I don't really mind, since it gives me a chance to cook something else for you. Just like a housewife." She added to herself, blushing as she did so.

"Your cooking sucks," Muttered Haihane before taking a bite out of an egg roll, causing Benitsubasa to glare at her. "And you'd make a horrible housewife."

"And I suppose you cook better and would make a good housewife?" Questioned Benitsubasa angrily.

"Well, you each have your strengths and weaknesses." Intervened Sallem before things could escalate. "Benitsubasa, you have a habit of making your food too sweet, just like you." His Crimson love turned red with embarrassment. "While Haihane has a habit of making things too sour, just like those teasing remarks of yours I love so much." His Indigo love began to turn blue with laughter. "While Karasuba... you poison my food just the way I like it, though you may not want to give that cooking to anyone else. Not everyone has Anti-toxin systems built into their bodies, after all." Benitsubasa and Haihane both shot fierce glares at his Black love, who growled at Sallem for ratting her out, and making her look stupid at the same time. "But, enough about all of us. I'm certain that the readers are tired of seeing us talking, so let's do a scene change, shall we?"

"What are you talking about?" Asked Karasuba irritably.

* * *

**Back with Rito and Yami**

"-And I haven't seen her since that day." Finished Yami, she and Rito sitting together on edge of the restaurants' roof.

"It must have been hard to have that all ripped away from you so suddenly." Said Rito in understanding.

"I suppose it was, back then at least." Nodded Yami. "She was the closest thing I ever had to a mother, and my time there was the only life I ever knew."

"How did you adapt?" Asked Rito worriedly.

"I managed." Shrugged Yami. "Truthfully, becoming an assassin was something that just sort of happened. People attacked people. I killed them. Soon enough, people started to pay me to kill others. I didn't know of any other way to make money, it all just happened."

Sighing, Rito wrapped his arm around Yami's shoulders. Neither of them felt the least bit uncomfortable about it. "I know I don't really have to tell you this, but there are better ways to make money."

"I know that now," Nodded Yami as she adjusted her head to rest in the crook of Rito's neck. "But back then I didn't. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where else to go. Killing and surviving was enough back then."

"And now?" Asked Rito as he absentmindedly brushed Yami's hair.

"Now?" Sighed Yami as she moved herself to Rito's lap. "I think I'll keep my job." She deadpanned.

"Oh." Said Rito with a start, his arms moving away from Yami.

Yami however, grabbed his arms before her could pull them away. "I'll just... keep you too." She smiled at him as she pulled his arms around her.

Chuckling as he tightened his arms around her, Rito said, "You know, if anyone else had said something like that to me, I'd probably be worried... But since it's you, I actually don't think I really have anything to worry about."

"So," Began Yami confidently. "What does this make us?"

"Errr..." Utter Rito awkwardly. "I'm... still not really sure." He answered lamely, getting a fist of hair to the face for his response. "Owww," He groaned as he rubbed his face.

"You still have no shame." Yami grumbled, though in spite of her words, she kept Rito's arms firmly wrapped around her.

"Don't misunderstand me, Yami." Rito began explaining. "I do love you," He noticed Yami blush and hide her face. "But there are other people I love too, and I love them all just as much as I love you. In all honesty, I really don't know what to do here."

For a long time, they were both completely silent. Neither one of them daring to say a word. Eventually though, Yami broke that silence. "Most would say that your indecisiveness is horrible, and makes you the enemy of all women." Rito didn't say anything. Mostly because he had no defense against that, and didn't want to make things worse for himself. "But since I'm an assassin, I have no room to judge you on your amount of romantic partners." Rito still kept silent. Mostly because he had no defense for Yami, and didn't want to get hurt due to any major comments against her. "I can't really say I mind the idea of sharing you, since I've never really given love too much thought. I just want to know who else is involved."

"Well..." Mumbled Rito as he nervously scratched behind his head. "It's a bit complicated, to tell you the truth."

"How so?" Asked Yami curiously.

"Well... for starter, there are a lot of people who love me, but some of them aren't mutual." Began Rito. "So I guess I'll start with those. Run and Momo really like me - and I don't just mean that they love me. They are **way** too open about it. Momo climbs into my bed all the time and constantly tries to seduce me. And when she's not working as an idol, Run's affections for me can sometimes border on something outright crazy and obsessive. Run's not really all that bad, it's just that she gets really out of hand sometimes."

"Doesn't Lala do that to?" Asked Yami.

"Well, sometimes." Admitted Rito, recalling all the mayhem she'd caused in the past. "But the troubles she's been causing me have been getting less and less frequent, and she never really meant any harm in the first place, not to mention that she's actually been pretty helpful lately whenever weird stuff happens. I guess she's just still maturing and adapting." He explained.

"It sounds nice," Said Yami, catching Rito by surprise. "Having so many people who are important to you."

"It is." Smiled Rito fondly. "Anyway, aside from all that. I've gotta say that I really do love Lala."

"Even after all she's put you through?" Questioned Yami.

"Even after all of that." Chuckled Rito. "Then there's Ryouko - er, you probably know her as Mikado-sensei though."

"Doesn't she seem a bit old for you?" Deadpanned Yami.

"Aren't you a bit young for me?" Joked Rito, eliciting a giggle from Yami. "And of course there's you," He said as he nuzzled slightly against her hair, prompting her to pinch his side. "And then there's one more, who I'm not really sure about." He winced.

"Haruna, correct?" Asked Yami.

"Yeah," Nodded Rito. "I've had a huge crush on her since way before my life got completely messed up with aliens, but I have no idea how she feels about me."

"If you've liked her so long, why haven't you acted on your feelings yet?" Asked Yami.

"I keep meaning to," Sighed Rito. "But it seems that whenever I muster up the courage to try and tell her, something always gets in the way. Then there's the fact that my feelings are being pulled between four girls at once..."

"You don't seem to mind it that much." Observed Yami.

"That's what's worrying me." Grumbled Rito. "I'm afraid that I'm turning into some kind of man-whore."

"Rito," Yami began as she twisted his face to meet her eyes. "You're not a man-whore. If you were, I'd have killed you."

Blinking at her several times in confusion, Rito eventually burst out laughing. "Thanks, Yami. I really needed to hear that." He said happily.

Smiling, Yami remarked, "If death threats make you that happy, I'll make sure to give them to you whenever I see you from now on."

"Er," Panicked Rito. "There's really no need to do that, Yami."

"I know," She confessed as she nuzzled under his chin. "I was just joking."

"I love you, Yami." Rito said automatically, slightly surprised by himself.

Yami, equally surprised, quickly regained herself. "I love you too, Rito."

* * *

**On a Rooftop Several Blocks Away**

"Damn that boy." Muttered Mea Kurosaki, Yami's metaphorical sister made by the same evil organization who made Yami. "First, my mission to retrieve my older sister from Earth gets reevaluated by my boss because of the presence of Sallem Cortez on this planet. Now, she's fallen in love with her target. I'll admit that he's pretty cute, but still... At this rate, she may never come back with me... At least not willingly." She said as she turned her hair into a laser cannon, preparing to finish the boy getting between her and her sister once and for all, in spite of her orders to just observe for now.

**"Well, well, well,"** Said an evil, otherworldly sounding voice as someone grabbed and pulled on Mei's hair cannon. Hard. **"It would seem that there was some merit to what the canine was saying when he called me to help keep an eye on things."**

"Who are you?-!" Demanded Mea as she changed her hand into a blade to try and stab whoever had the nerve to grab her, only for the blade to be stopped between two fingers.

Humming as he observed the blade in his fingers and the cannon in his hand, Neuro regarded the girl before him with some interest. "Impressive. Most impressive. I don't think even Sai was capable of converting his body parts into non-organic material. And even if he could, I don't think he could manage to make such complex machinery."

"I said, who are you?-!" Demanded Mea as she turned her other hand into a set of claws and took a swipe at Neuro. Though he simply took a step back and placed her hair in the path of the blades, causing her to cut through that instead. "MY HAIR!" She panicked.

"Oh, was this valuable to you in some way?" Asked Neuro, obviously faking innocence. "I'm sorry. I should have known that girls placed high stock in their appearance. Allow me to return this to you." Grabbing Mea's head harshly by her cheeks, Neuro shoved all of her freshly cut hair into her mouth, causing her to gag heavily as she tried to spit it out, only for Neuro to cruelly hold her mouth shut.

Struggling to get free and get her hair out of her mouth, Mea tried morphing her limbs into various weapons to kill this man, only for him to effortlessly swat them all away with one hand, then throw her face down on the ground and sit on top of her.

"In case you're wondering why I'm doing this, it's quite simple, really." Said Neuro cheerfully as Mea finally managed to start spitting out her hair. "That annoying canine offered me a deal: I do a few jobs for him. He supplies me with a few mysteries, some more air for me to breath, and a few precious gems. And then he sends me back to the Earth I'm used to, only a few years later so that my "Top Slug" partner can have some time to grow on her own." Mea had no idea what he was talking about, and only wanted to kill him. "Which leads us to right now," He said enthusiastically as he grabbed her by her - now short - hair, and pulled her up harshly. "He's asked me to torture you in the worst way I can imagine without killing you, and then hand you over to him so you can work as a zombie hunter for his company." Pulling off his glove, Mea was shocked - some might say terrified - to see that his fingers were all sorts of painful looking instruments of torture, including a snake! "This is the last job he's giving me before he sends me home, so I'm going to make certain that I do a thorough job."

It was at that moment, that Mea knew she was screwed.

* * *

**At the Yuuki Household**

"So... I guess we'll be seeing each other around then?" Asked Rito uncertainly.

"Of course we will." Said Yami as she nuzzled up against Rito. "I look forward to having an official date with you... as soon as Sallem leaves." She tagged on the end.

"Yeah," Sighed Rito. "I don't think I'll be doing much besides getting more girls forced in this dysfunctional harem I'm getting while he's here." He said as he opened his front door.

"How rude!" Huffed Sallem, who'd been on the other side of the door and heard everything. "I'll have you know that I'm doing you a huge favor by doing this!"

"How so?" Asked Rito skeptically, finally used to Sallem popping in and out of nowhere.

Sallem simply pointed at Yami in response.

"Er..." Panicked Rito. "Besides Yami!"

Sallem pressed a button on his remote and a picture of Ryouko popped up.

"Er..." Panicked Rito further. "Besides Ryouko!"

Sallem pressed the same button again, and a picture of Yui showed up.

"Er..." Panicked Rito as he fell backwards. "What?"

Sallem smirked before saying, "Yui's next on the list, Rito. Oh, and you might want to pack your bags sometime soon."

Rito, much to his credit, took the flat out confession that Yui Kotegawa, the least likely of people to ever even think of feeling affection for him - in his opinion at least, and we all know how much credit that gets in this series - was the next person Sallem would be setting him up with, and quickly got up. In all honesty, Rito kinda actually saw it coming.

"Don't let it get you down, kid!" Came Karasuba's voice from inside. "If it helps, Sallem was too busy stuffing his face with wontons to bother watching you two up on the roof of that Chinese Restaurant!"

"Karasuba! I told you not to tell them that!" Panicked Sallem.

"No, you told me not to tell them you have a weakness for Chinese food!" Karasuba corrected him.

"You just told them!" Panicked Sallem as he rushed inside.

Chuckling at Sallem's sudden show of panic, Rito and Yami bid each other adieu, and went their separate ways for the night.

* * *

There you go. I realize that this chapter kinda ends on a sudden note too, but I like to think that I've wrapped up any regrets I had concerning this installment. Look forward to the next and final volume! A volume which will only come out after I finish my Bleach story "1 Face, 2 Face, 3 Face, 4th Division" which I will only get around to finishing once some more people start reviewing! So if you want more To-Love-Ru, you'll have to read my other stuff and review to it too!


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